


A Thousand Miles From Comfort

by littlelouishiccups



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Amazing, Drugs, Famous!Louis, M/M, Personal Trainer!Harry, but in the past, harry and louis actually COMMUNICATE their FEELINGS, idk the ziam arc really ran away from me it had a mind of its own ok, louis is recovering, there will be smut i promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-09
Updated: 2014-10-21
Packaged: 2018-02-08 02:42:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 74,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1923720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlelouishiccups/pseuds/littlelouishiccups
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>It wasn’t like Louis was Lindsay Lohan or Justin Beiber. He’d had one fucking meltdown and a handful of public drunken accidents. And now he could never screw up ever again. He hit the STOP button on the treadmill and matched his pace as it slowed to a stop. </i>
</p><p>  <i>“It’s not break time yet!” Harry told Louis, tapping his watch with a stern expression. “Come on, you were doing so well! Don’t quit now! Ten more minutes and then you can have a break!”</i></p><p>  <i>“I don’t want to be here anymore,” Louis spat. “It’s not anything you did, okay? I just… I don’t know. I can’t do this. I hate playing the stupid media game. That’s what all of this is! There’s no point.” </i></p><p> <br/>In which Louis is a closeted gay actor and a recovering addict with a troubled past. Harry is the personal trainer who helps him get his life back in shape.</p><p>With Liam as Louis' childhood best friend, Zayn as a famous R&B artist, and Niall as a fanboy.</p><p>(aka the trainer au)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. October

Louis Tomlinson was a fuck up. Everyone knew it. He knew it. The media knew it. His manager knew it. His friends and family knew it. His fans knew it. And for a while, all anyone could talk about was Louis Tomlinson fucking up. The thing was, nobody was especially surprised when child stars fucked up later on in life. It happened all the time. The difference was that Louis Tomlinson did surprise people when he started to fuck up. The critics called him “the Leo of his generation” and “raw natural talent”. His career had really been going places. But like every other part of his life, he had gone and royally fucked that up as well.

Louis checked out of rehab on a Sunday. When he walked out of the center, a suitcase in either hand and a backpack hanging off one shoulder, he was greeted by Liam and Zayn, who were leaning up against Zayn’s range rover. Liam looked anxious, kept fidgeting and running his hands through his hair, but Zayn looked unperturbed, typing away on his phone. Nothing out of the ordinary, really. They both stood up when Louis approached, smiling and moving to help him with his bags. He hugged both of them after they closed the trunk and then he got into the backseat of the car.

“Missed you, mate!” Liam said, twisting around in the passenger’s seat to look at Louis.

Louis nodded and looked out the window. “Yeah, I missed you too.”

“We moved the rest of your stuff into my flat,” Liam continued in his usual cheery voice. “Simon said he talked to you about it.”

“Yeah,” Louis murmured, recalling the conversation with Simon. “We talked about it.”

Simon, Louis’ manager, had called him earlier in the week. He was trying to clean up Louis’ image to the best of his ability. Rehab had been the first step, and now he proposed that Louis live with Liam, rather than by himself. Firstly, because Liam would watch out for him. Secondly, because Liam had a squeaky clean image. Louis and Liam were childhood best friends. They’d met when they acted as brothers on a family sitcom called _Little White Lies_ when Louis was seven and Liam was six. The show’s last season aired when Louis was fifteen and Liam was fourteen. They grew up together, had been best friends ever since, and they had a bromance that the media loved. 

Liam didn’t act anymore. He mostly stuck to hosting reality competition shows and, occasionally, he would have a small role in a movie or a guest appearance on a television show, but for the most part he stayed under the radar. Despite his attempts to keep himself at B-List celebrity level, everyone still loved him and his charming personality and insane good looks. The media trusted Liam, and having Louis move in with him was a good move.

“You don’t sound so happy to be out of there, man,” Zayn noted as he pulled up to a stoplight.

“Simon’s got me scheduled to do all of this shit,” Louis told them, rolling his eyes. “I’ve got to do radio interviews and start tweeting again and he even hired a personal trainer to get me back into shape. You’d think the guy hung the fucking moon, the way Simon was talking about him.”

“Who is it?” Liam asked, pulling his visor mirror down to look at Louis’ reflection.

“I think he said his name was Styles?” Louis said, shrugging.

“Harry Styles?” Liam asked, and of course Liam would know him. Liam was obsessed with working out.

“That sounds right,” Louis nodded. “You know him?”

“I met him at a party in the States once,” Liam told Louis. “He’s a pretty big deal as far as trainers go- did a season on one of those weight loss shows in America, has his own gym and workout DVDs. He’s the real deal. Simon knew what he was doing. It will look good to have you training with Styles. People like him and he’s fairly popular right now.”

“He’s fit too,” Zayn added nonchalantly.

Liam laughed and nodded in agreement. “Yeah, he’s definitely well fit.”

“Fucking weird, though,” Zayn said with feeling, as he pulled into the parking garage of Liam’s flat. “I was on tour in The States during that season and I caught a few episodes. He’s a complete nutter.”

Zayn was England’s answer to Usher or Chris Brown. His popularity had skyrocketed in the past three years due to the success of his second album and a collab song he did with Alicia Keys. Louis met him about four years prior, at the after party of a premiere of one of his movies; one of Zayn’s songs had been featured on the soundtrack. They’d hit if off immediately. His second album was currently at the tops of the music charts and Louis couldn’t be happier for him. Zayn deserved it. Zayn deserved a lot.

“He’s really weird?” Louis asked, slightly worried as he stepped out of the car. 

Zayn nodded emphatically at him over the top of the car, but Liam rolled his eyes.

“He’s not that weird,” he assured Louis, patting him on the shoulder. “Just one of those flower child types.”

“Nah,” Zayn shook his head. “He’s weird.”

“You think everyone is weird,” Liam huffed, squinting his eyes. “You thought Perrie was weird at first too, remember? And you ended up dating her for over a year.”

“I never stopped thinking Pezza was weird,” Zayn said as he popped the trunk and they retrieved Louis’ bags. “I just got over the weirdness.”

“Can we stop saying ‘weird’?” Louis asked. “It doesn’t sound like a real word anymore.”

“Whoa, weird!” Liam exclaimed and then chuckled. “It doesn’t! How weird!”

Zayn slapped him on the back of the head. 

“What the fuck, man?” Liam shouted, running a hand through the hair on the back of his head. 

They bickered like an old married couple as they carried Louis’ things up the stairs of the complex, Louis following closely behind. Nothing had changed while he was away apparently. Damn, he had really missed them. 

Liam had already prepared the guest room for Louis and most of the essentials from his house were already at home in the new room. Zayn and Liam helped him unpack and then they retired to the living room to watch some telly and relax, Liam saying something about ordering a pizza. Neither of them asked him about his rehab experience and he wondered if he was that easy to read, or if his two best friends just knew him really fucking well. Either way, he was glad he didn’t have to talk about it. He was pretty sure he’d be doing nothing but talking about it in interviews for the next few weeks anyway. 

“You know,” Liam said after he ended his phone call to the pizza delivery place. “I actually think I have one of Styles’ DVDs.”

He walked over to his entertainment center and ran his finger along the DVD collection, stopping when he found what he was looking for.

“Yep!” He said, taking the DVD off the shelf.

“Well pop it in then,” Louis motioned to the TV. “Might as well see what the big deal is.”

Liam popped the disc in and pressed play. He walked back to sit on the couch in between Louis and Zayn and the three of them watched the screen expectedly. Louis was surprised when Harry came on screen, He’d been expecting beefy, and Harry definitely wasn’t beefy. Harry was muscular, yes, but lean and tall with tanned skin and floppy curly hair. He was wearing white running shorts, a tight blue shirt that clung to his abs, and a white bandana in his hair. His shoes were a shocking bright yellow and intricate tattoos and inked doodles decorated his arms. Liam and Zayn had been right. He was extremely fit. He was also extremely goofy. He called his audience and the four other people working behind him, “loves” and constantly said things like “You can do it! You’re gonna look great! You’re already tens, you’re gonna be elevens!” with a cheesy dimpled smile plastered on his face.

“What the fuck?” Zayn muttered, shaking his head in exasperation after Harry had told everyone to “let their lights shine” during an ab exercise.

Louis had to admit that his technique was… interesting. He seemed way too happy to be doing jumping jacks and yeah, Louis was already dreading working with him. It was going to be difficult refraining from punching someone like that in the face while being forced to work out. Louis silently cursed himself for putting on twenty pounds, because while it was easy for him to keep his weight off if he was active, it was not as easy for him to shed the weight. 

“When are you starting up with him? Liam asked, nodding to the TV.

“Tomorrow,” Louis scowled. “Simon’s got me signed on for a Monday, Wednesday, Friday thing. Early in the morning, as well.” 

“I can drive you, if you don’t want to bother with a car,” Liam told Louis. 

Louis’ license had been suspended after he’d been arrested for a DUI. He needed to pay the reinstatement fee to get it back but he hadn’t had the chance. He made a mental note to remind Simon. 

“That’d be great, Liam,” Louis told him. “But, I have to be there at 8:30.”

Liam shrugged. “You know I’m an early riser anyway.”

“Thanks, mate,” Louis replied.

Zayn left about an hour later, after they’d finished eating the pizza Liam had ordered, saying something about going to the studio. Liam locked the door behind him  
and Louis raised his eyebrows in question when he turned around.

“What?” Liam asked defensively.

“I’m guessing nothing happened while I was away?” Louis asked, motioning to the door Zayn had just walked out of.

Liam’s shoulders sagged as he walked over to the kitchen. “Don’t ask stupid questions, Louis.”

“It’s not a stupid question,” Louis said, moving to join him. “And you know it.”

He sat down on one of the stools at the island and watched as Liam cleaned up the mess he’d presumably made at breakfast.

“I don’t want to talk about this, okay?” said Liam sternly as he scrubbed viciously at a pan.

Louis rolled his eyes but didn’t press. “Fine, alright. So, what’s new?” 

*****

The next morning saw Louis laying in bed and repeatedly pressing snooze on his alarm until the last possible minute. When he finally woke up he stared at the ceiling, questioning his life and how he got to this place. He knew he’d brought all of this upon himself but that still didn’t make him feel like this new babying by Simon and Liam was justified. He was twenty-six years old damn it. 

“Louis, we need to leave in five minutes!” Liam banged on his door. “Are you up?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Louis sat up in bed and ran a hand over his face. “Be out in a minute.”

He pulled on a pair of sweatpants and a tshirt, throwing a hoodie on over it and exited the guest room to find Liam eating a bowl of cereal in the kitchen, leaning against the counter.

“I have cereal and granola bars if you want to eat something really quick,” He told Louis, taking one last bite and then turning to rinse his bowl in the sink.

“Granola bar is fine,” Louis grumbled, still upset about being awake so early. He wasn’t even hungry. Mornings sucked. Who invented mornings?

Liam threw him a bottle of water and a granola bar and pushed him out the door. 

They arrived at Styles Fitness at 8:28 and Liam told Louis he’d be back to pick him up at 10:00 before driving off, leaving Louis to walk in by himself. He took a deep breath before pushing the door open and walking in.

The gym was huge; with hardwood floors and hundreds of scary looking machines and weights. Rooms for specific classes lined the walls and the main desk at the front sat behind a tall counter made out of stainless steel. There was a brunette behind the desk, bent over and searching through a filing cabinet. Louis approached her and cleared his throat, trying to catch her attention.

She turned around and smiled, standing up straight. She was quite pretty, and fairly tall. 

“Louis Tomlinson, right?” she asked, her eyes twinkling. “I’m a huge fan.”

Louis nodded with a small, forced smile. “Thank you,”

“I’m Barbara,” she held her hand out and he shook it.

“Nice to meet you,” he said. “I’m here for-”

“You’re here for Harry, right?” She interrupted, ducking down to type something into the computer. 

“I believe so,” Louis nodded, moving to rest his arms on the tall counter.

Barbara clicked the mouse a few times and nodded.

“Yes, I have here that you’re training with Harry from 8:30-10:00. He’s finishing up an abs class right now, but he’ll be right with you.”

“Okay, thanks,” Louis said and he was about to ask where he could wait when a loud guy with bleached blonde hair walked in through the front door and started shouting obnoxiously, a huge work out bag slung over his shoulder.

“Oi! Top o’ the mornin, everybody!” He screeched in a thick Irish accent, way too jolly for morning hours in Louis’ opinion.

All of the other workers, who were scattered throughout the large room -some with clients, some cleaning machines- turned around and shouted greetings back. Everyone who worked at the gym could be identified by their matching black wind pants and fitted neon yellow collared Under Armor shirts. It looked like the Irish guy worked there as well.

“So annoying,” Barbara muttered under her breath and Louis couldn’t have agreed more.

“Hello Barbara, you are looking radiant this morning!” The guy said loudly, moving behind the counter to swipe what Louis assumed was his time card.

“As opposed to when?” Barbara asked with raised eyebrows and Louis decided he liked her. 

The guy took a deep breath, obviously preparing to retort, but he stopped when he glanced over and recognized Louis.

“Hey!” He shouted in Louis’ face. “You’re Louis Tomlinson! Harry told me you were gonna start training here! That’s the craic! That film that’s out with Jennifer Lowrance and George Clooney is fucking aces, man! I bawled like a baby. Big fan! Big! Fan!”

“Um,” Louis blinked a few times, slightly startled. “Thank you.”

It wasn’t like he wasn’t used to really enthusiastic fans. But this guy seemed so genuinely excited about everything and Louis wasn’t sure how to take him.

“You’re late,” Barbara told the guy sternly. “Harry’s still in that class, waiting for you to take over.”

“Oh, shit!” The guy’s eyes widened but his attention still stayed on Louis. “Well it was nice to meet you, man. My name’s Niall by the way. I’m sure I’ll be seeing you around.”

Louis nodded. “Yeah, nice to meet you.”

“Thanks, babe,” Niall muttered to Barbara and then he slapped her lightly on the ass and left, sprinting to one of the classrooms.

Louis’ eyebrows skyrocketed. Surely that could be reported as sexual harassment, exactly what kind of place was this, but Barbara caught his expression and laughed, shaking her head.

“That wasn’t what it looked like,” she reassured him. “We’re dating. Niall’s my boyfriend. Sometimes he forgets what’s appropriate for work and what isn’t.”

Louis opened his mouth to say something, although he wasn’t sure what, when his phone started to ring in his bag. He quickly ducked down to retrieve it, thankful for the excuse not to keep up small talk and when he stood back up he turned around and ran into a hard body.

“Oops!” the person said and Louis looked up. It was Harry and oh fuck he was even more attractive in person. He was wearing the same outfit as everyone else but with bright orange running shoes and a gray bandana in his curly hair. His hair looked extremely soft.

“Hi,” Louis said once he realized he’d been staring for longer than necessary.

“You okay?” Harry smiled at Louis and his smile was slightly crooked and he had an obnoxiously endearing dimple. 

“Yeah, fine,” Louis nodded, suddenly remembering the ringing phone in his hand. He looked down and saw that it was Simon. He rolled his eyes and ignored it, knowing Simon was double checking that he’d remembered to go to the gym. Louis sent him a quick text.

**Yes Simon, I’m at the gym.**

“Sorry,” Louis muttered sheepishly, looking back up at Harry.

“Not a problem!” Harry assured him. “I’m sorry for running late. I’m Harry.”

Louis shook his hand, trying not to think about how big it was. “Louis,”

“Well, let’s get right to it, shall we!” Harry clasped his hands together and started walking. Louis followed him.

“Today we’ll start with doing your measurements and weight,” Harry told him as he led him to a room. “I’ll ask you some questions about your current diet and exercise routine and then we’ll work on what plan we think will be best for you.”

They entered a small room that held two scales, an elliptical, a treadmill, a bicycle, and several contraptions Louis didn’t know the names of.

“You’re pretty quiet.” Harry said, sounding slightly surprised as he motioned for Louis to stand up on one of the scales. Louis had the reputation of being a talkative, sarcastic asshole -a reputation that was rightly deserved- but he hadn’t been feeling himself lately, not since everything happened. 

Louis shrugged as Harry wrote his weight down on a clipboard. “It’s a bit early for me.”

“Ah,” Harry nodded. “Understandable.”

“You’re…” Louis searched for the right word. “Calmer than I expected. I watched one of your DVDs. You aren’t as… chipper in real life.”

Harry threw his head back and laughed. “Honestly, I’m kind of nervous. You’re the most... you’re the highest profile client I’ve ever had, by far. But I can be a cheeseball if you want me to. I’m told I’m quite good at it and it will probably come out eventually anyway.”

Louis shook his head quickly. “Don’t be nervous. Trust me, I’m not cool at all. As long as you don’t start yelling at me during training I think we’ll be good. I tend to get stubborn when I feel like people are pressuring me to do something.”

Harry smiled cheekily. “Good to know.”

They talked about Louis’ diet and exercise routine while Harry measured him. 

“I never really had a routine before,” Louis told him. “I ate what I wanted to eat and I can’t even remember the last time I was in a gym.”

“You stayed in shape, though,” Harry noted. “How did you do that?”

Louis shrugged. “I played footie occasionally. Sometimes I went running. Never really had to worry about my weight until I started drinking.”

“That will definitely do it,” Harry nodded. Yeah. And constantly having the munchies from being constantly high. Louis didn’t say that though. “So are you wanting to just get your old figure back or bulk up a bit more? What’s the plan?”

“The old figure,” Louis told him, patting his bum subconsciously. “That’s what gets me roles.”

Harry laughed. “You are pretty famous for that ass, aren’t you?”

Louis would be offended, but it was true. Especially after he’d had a nude scene in a film two years prior, all anyone could talk about was his ass. Sure, before he’d developed a beer gut, he’d been toned, but nobody ever talked about the rest of his body. It was always all about the ass.

“We can tone that ass back up and also get you some serious abs and arms,” Harry said, pointing to each body part as he spoke. “You’ll kill them over in Hollywood. A cute British accent and a nice bod? They won’t know what to do with themselves.”

“They really won’t.” Louis grinned cheekily, not sure if Harry was flirting with him or if he was just this nice to everyone. He figured that, unfortunately, that it was probably the latter, as Harry went right back to writing on his clipboard with a small chuckle.

“You know,” Harry said after a bit, “I disagree with you.”

Louis narrowed his eyes in confusion. “About what?”

“It’s not your ass that gets you the roles,” Harry told him sincerely, looking back up from the clipboard. “You’re really, really talented. My all time favorite film is one of yours.”

“Which one?” Louis asked, curious despite himself.

“ _They Don’t Know About Us_ ,” Harry told him and Louis had to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat.

“Yeah?” He asked, genuinely touched. _They Don’t Know About Us_ was one of his lesser known films, even though it had earned him his first Academy Award Nomination when he was only eighteen. It also happened to be one of Louis’ favorite films he’d ever been in. He had played a teenage prostitute who was abused by his pimp and addicted to heroin. To this day, it was probably the most emotionally draining role he’d ever played. Those always seemed to be his favorite; they were the most challenging. Louis liked a challenge.

“Yeah,” Harry nodded. “I think it was the first film to really make me cry.”

“Well, thanks,” Louis smiled and damn, he’d smiled more since in the thirty minutes since he’d met Harry Styles than he had in over a month. “That’s when I know I’ve done my job well.”

“And I know I’ve done my job well when I start seeing results,” Harry said. “So go hop on that treadmill.”

*****

Louis had to wake up extra early on Thursday morning, because he was scheduled to do a morning radio show interview. Simon called him the night before, stressing how important this interview was for Louis’ image. It was his first chance to reassure the public that he had cleaned up his act and was going to be fine, and he gave him the same lecture on the way to the BBC Radio station.

“Just be your usual charming self,” Simon said for the fiftieth time. “Keep your answers regarding rehab vague and talk about how happy you are to get back into the swing of things.”

“Yes,” Louis huffed, holding up a hand. “Okay, Simon. I’ve got it.”

“I’m just looking out for you,” Simon defended himself.

“I know,” Louis sighed as they pulled up to the studios. “I know. This is just a lot all at once.” Everything always seemed to happen all at once when it came to Louis life. Simon patted Louis on the back as they made their way to the entrance, telling him he would do a good job. 

The host went to a commercial break when Louis walked into the studio. Nick Grimshaw was a loud guy with a huge quiff and a nice handshake. Louis wasn’t sure if he liked him. When the commercial break ended, Nick introduced Louis and they talked for a few minutes about his most recent film, which was still in theatres. Louis had missed the premiere due to being in rehab, but most everyone applauded him for getting help, rather than frowning upon him for missing the premiere of a highly anticipated film.

“So,” Nick said, about ten minutes into the interview. “I don’t know if you’ve listened to the show before, but we have this game called Call or Delete, and I was wondering if you’d like to play.”

“Okay, sure” Louis nodded, playing up a positive attitude. He was supposed to be down for anything. “What does that entail?”

“Basically you scroll through your contacts on your phone,” Nick explained. “And when I say stop, you stop, and whatever name it lands on, you have to either prank call them or delete their number from your phone.”

“Alright,” Louis said, brightly for the radio’s sake. “Sounds fun!”

“We like it when we get the big name celebrities to play,” Nick told him. “Because they’ve always got the best people on speed dial. So anyway, shall I go first?”

“Yeah, yeah,” said Louis. “You can show me how it’s done.”

Nick pulled his phone out. “Scrolling, now!”

“Stop!” Louis said after a few seconds.

“All right!” Nick said. “It landed on my friend Harry Styles,”

Louis raised his eyebrows at that coincidence. It couldn’t have gone better if Simon had planned this out himself. In fact, Louis suspected that Simon had probably planned it out with Nick beforehand and neglected to inform him. That sounded like something he would do.

“He’s a personal trainer,” Nick explained. “Did a show in the States.”  


“Yeah, I know him,” Louis interrupted him, with a small laugh. “He’s actually my personal trainer.”  


“Oh, no way!” Nick exclaimed, overdoing the surprise for the radio’s sake. “So, you’ll know he’s really laid back. I’m trying to think of how we could possibly prank him.”  


Louis shrugged. He’d only met him a few days before. He had no idea.  


“Okay, okay!” Nick said excitedly after a few moments. “I’ve got it. I’ll call him and ask for money. Talking to friends about money is always awkward.”  


“Sure,” Louis said, assuming Nick knew what he was talking about. “Let’s do it!”  


The phone started ringing and Louis suddenly got nervous, even though he wasn’t the one doing the calling. He looked over at Nick who smiled and gave him a thumbs up.  


“Hello?” Harry picked up on the fifth ring.  


“Hi, you all right?” Nick said.  


“Yeah, I’m good, just got to the gym,” Harry said. “How are you?”  


“I’m good, I just got off work and-”  


“I’m on the radio, aren’t I?” Harry interrupted him. Louis bit his lip to keep from laughing.  


“What?” Nick asked, feigning confusion.  


“I’m on the radio, aren’t I?” Harry repeated, sounding impatient.  


“No…” Nick said slowly, looking over at Louis and making a face.  


“I am,” Harry argued, almost whined.  


“You are,” Nick admitted with a groan. “We’re playing Call or Delete. I’m here with Louis Tomlinson, actually.”  


“Oh, hi!” Harry said, his tone much more cheery and Louis smiled.  


“Yeah, Louis says he knows you.”  


“I’m working with him, yeah,” Harry said. “He there? How are you, Louis? You all right?”  


“Yeah, Harry,” Louis said into his mic. “I’m great.”  


“So Harry,” Nick teased. “Give us the scoop. How many sit ups can the Louis Tomlinson do? Can he run a mile without breaking a sweat?”  


“I can run five miles without breaking a sweat, Grimmy,” Louis scoffed, playing up his sassy image. “Come on, have a little faith.”  


“He’s telling the truth,” Harry said in a serious tone. “I’ve never seen the man sweat. I’m not even sure if he’s human.”  


Which was a lie, Louis had been dripping sweat at training the day before. Harry was merciless. In a really nice, positive way.  


“Yeah, they say his ass is out of this world.” Nick joked and Louis forced out a laugh. Yeah. He definitely didn’t like Nick.  


Harry chuckled over the line, and his laugh sounded equally strained.  


“You shouldn’t objectify people like that, Nick.” Harry said mock sternly.  


Nick scoffed and winked at Louis  


“Well, I guess we’ll let you go Harry!” Nick said.  


“Okay, sorry for ruining your game!” Harry replied. “Louis, I’ll see you tomorrow! Bright and early!”  


“Yeah,” Louis nodded. “See you tomorrow!  


Harry hung up and Louis turned his attention back to Nick.  


“So,” Nick said. “You’re training with Harry?”  


Louis looked questioningly over to Simon, who nodded.  


“Yeah,” Louis said, starting the spiel he had practiced with Simon. “It’s new, I’ve only been training with him since I got out of rehab. I’m really trying to get back into shape in every way: mentally, physically, professionally. I’m ready to come back and be the best me that I can be, you know?”  


“That’s great,” Nick said genuinely. “It’s good to hear and we are all rooting for you and we’re proud of you for getting the help you needed.”  


“Thank you,” Louis said warmly, looking back to Simon who smiled and nodded, telling Louis without words that he’d done a good job. Louis felt the weight on his chest lift just a little bit.

Liam was sprawled out on the couch in his underwear, watching reality television, when Louis came back from a long day of “promoting his new self”, as Simon liked to call it. Louis joined him on the couch, and Liam lifted his legs so that he could sit at the end. Liam put his legs on Louis’ lap once he was settled.  


“How ya doin, mate?” Liam asked.  


Louis shrugged. “I’m pretty tired… and kinda hungry.”  


“Well Zayn wanted to go out to that new pub for dinner,” Liam informed Louis, muting the TV. “I told him I’d see what you wanted to do.”  


Louis just looked at him.  


“Oh, shit,” Liam cursed apologetically. “Right. Pubs probably aren’t a good idea.”  


“That wasn’t what the look was for,” Louis rolled his eyes. “I don’t have to drink. Pubs do have water, you know.”  


Liam looked at him in confusion, sitting up straighter. “Well, then what was the look for?”  


“You sure you want me third wheeling?” Louis teased.  


“Oh, my God,” Liam groaned, rubbing his hands over his face.  


Louis chuckled and held up his hands in surrender. “Okay, okay, just making sure that you weren’t just deflecting yesterday and that really nothing happened while I was away.”  


Liam shook his head sadly. “Nothing has happened. He’s still completely clueless. I’m still a total fucking loser coward.”  


“Li,” Louis chastised softly, reaching over to pat his stomach. “You’re not a total fucking loser coward.”  
Liam sighed and stood up. He ran a hand over his hair."You coming or not?"  


Louis shrugged and nodded and Liam walked to his bedroom, muttering something about needing to shower. Louis watched sadly as Liam closed the door behind him. He knew it was Liam and Zayn’s business, so he shouldn’t get involved, but he was so tired of the charade. They always tip toed around each other, pretending not to be interested, until the sexual tension got so intense that Louis was sure something would happen. But it seemed like every time things had a chance of working out with Liam and Zayn, something had to come around and screw it up.  


The first time Louis was sure they were going to happen, Zayn had a sexual identity crisis and ended up dating Perrie for a year to reassure himself that he wasn’t gay, which ended in a bad break up and a drunken confession that maybe he was bisexual . The second time Louis was sure they were going to work everything out, Liam got asked to host a show in the states, which meant he was gone for three months and Louis had to deal with Zayn moping about 24/7. And most recently, it was Louis’ fault. He ended up going off the deep end and his two best friends were too worried about him to even think about each other.  


The thing was, Liam had convinced himself that Zayn would never be interested in him as anything other than a friend, and Zayn was so scared of his feelings for Liam that he pushed them away and often did come across as disinterested, sometimes even uncaring. Louis had made a vow to himself while in rehab that he would help them sort things out, and if that meant tagging along to a pub he wasn’t supposed to be at, then so be it. Simon would have a field day if the press found out, but Louis really couldn’t be bothered to care, which was how he found himself standing at the bar with Liam and Zayn.  


“I’ll just have a still water,” Louis told one of the bartenders. She raised her eyebrows but poured him a glass before turning to Liam and Zayn, who both ordered beers and then a plate of appetizers for the table.  


“I don’t know if I’ve said it yet, mate,” Liam said with a small smile, “But I’m really proud of you, Lou.”  


Zayn nodded. “Me too.”  


“Thanks,” Louis smiled and ducked his head. It meant more when Liam and Zayn said it than when some random interviewer did.  


They were half way through their food and Zayn was talking about some girl who had stalked him to the recording studio, when a big booming voice shouted Louis’ name. Louis saw both Liam and Zayn look behind him with wide eyes, and he turned around to find the blond Irish guy from the gym skipping towards them.  


“Um, hi,” Louis offered weakly. One look at Zayn and Liam made it obvious that they thought the guy was some random, obnoxious fan. Louis would have introduced them but he couldn’t remember his name and he didn’t want to embarrass the guy by asking.  


“How are ya, man?” the guy asked, standing at the head of their table.  


“I’m well,” Louis nodded. “How are you?”  


“Fuckin aces, bro!” the guy exclaimed, glancing over at Liam and Zayn. He looked back at Louis before his eyes widened in recognition and he snapped his head back.  


“Holy shit!” he breathed. “You’re Zayn Malik! I’m a huge fan! Love that one song, what’s it called?”  


He tilted his head as if thinking about it and Louis, Zayn, and Liam all watched on nervously.  


“Shit, I can’t remember!” the guy groaned. “But it goes like-”  


He started to sing an awful rendition of one of Zayn’s biggest hits. Zayn looked at Louis, pleadingly, which Louis translated to mean “please stop this crazy person right now.” Luckily, Louis was saved from the task because Harry Styles appeared at their table, an apologetic look on his face.  


“Niall, stop harassing people,” he rolled his eyes, and Louis just drank him in.  


He looked completely different than he did at the gym. His hair was styled into a quiff and his curls looked insanely soft. He was wearing a thin gray shirt with a giant scoop neck, that showed off what looked like bird wings tattooed on his chest. He was also wearing the tightest pair of black jeans imaginable and Louis was pretty sure he wasn’t supposed to be this attracted to his personal trainer.  


“Hi Louis,” Harry smiled, his hands clasped behind his back.  


“Hi,” Louis said, turning to Liam and Zayn. “This is Harry, my trainer.”  


“And I’m Niall,” Niall held a hand out. “I work with Harry.”  


Understanding dawned on Liam’s face as he realized who Niall was and he shook both Niall and Harry’s hands with a warm smile.  


“Oh, and you’re Liam Payne!” Niall shouted in Liam’s face. “Man, this is the craic! I’ve met more famous people in the last week than I have in my entire life!”  


“Ignore him,” Harry told Liam and Zayn. “We’re just here to grab a drink. We’ll stop bothering you now.”  


“You could join us!” Louis blurted out, not sure what had possessed him to do so. Zayn looked at him like he had suddenly turned purple and suggested they all go streaking in the freezing rain.  


“Seriously?!” Niall’s face lit up. “Oh man, that would be so cool!”  


“Are you sure?” Harry asked. “We don’t want to bother you.”  


Liam, who had been looking curiously at Louis, turned to Harry and shook his head.  


“Not at all!” he said. “I’m sure we can pull up a chair!”  


And that was how Louis found himself sitting next to the most attractive guy he’d seen maybe ever in his life with his two best friends as they listened to the loudest person in existence ramble on about how he lost his ‘second virginity’ to one of Zayn’s songs. And towards the end of the night, taking pictures with the bartenders who finally got up the guts to admit they recognized them. This wasn’t how he had pictured his life after rehab, but somehow he didn’t mind. 

The next morning, Louis was running while Harry cheered him on from his place at the head of the treadmill. He was drenched in sweat when Niall barged into the private room reserved for Louis’ sessions.  


“There’s an article about us on the internet!” Niall announced, waving his phone around.  


“Oh?” Harry asked, already turning his attention back to Louis, obviously used to Niall’s shenanigans.  


“Louis Tomlinson Visits New Pub With Friends Zayn Malik, Liam Payne, And Others!” Niall read excitedly. “We’re others, Harry! They mentioned us!”  


Harry looked up at the ceiling and shook his head in exasperation. Niall was practically bouncing up and down on his toes. Louis bit his lip to keep from laughing.  


“Hey Niall, what did they write?” Louis asked, wondering how much damage control he would have to do.  


“Just about how it was good to see you out and about again. The waitress tweeted that picture she took with us and told everyone that you ordered water so the article is talking about how it’s nice to see that you might have actually changed your ways.”  


Louis rolled his eyes. It wasn’t like he was Lindsay Lohan or Justin Beiber. He’d had one fucking meltdown and a handful of drunken accidents. And now he could never screw up ever again. There wasn’t really any logical reason for it -it didn’t look like he would have to do any damage control- but suddenly Louis was angry and frustrated. He hit the STOP button on the treadmill and matched his pace as it slowed to a stop.  


“It’s not break time yet!” Harry told Louis, tapping his watch with a stern expression. “Come on, you were doing so well! Don’t quit now! Ten more minutes and then you can have a break!”  


“I don’t want to be here anymore,” Louis spat. “It’s not anything you did, okay? I just… I don’t know. I can’t do this. I hate playing the stupid media game. That’s what all of this is! There’s no point.”  


Harry looked at Louis with wide eyes, obviously shocked. Louis couldn’t blame him. He usually had to pester Louis into talking, and then they really only shared small talk. Louis definitely knew a lot more about Harry than Harry knew about him, but up until now they had remained fairly professional.  


“There’s no point,” Louis repeated, mostly to himself. Harry turned to Niall and nodded towards the exit, not so subtly suggesting that he leave the two of them alone.  


“Uh… I’m gonna go help Barbara in the women’s weight room,” Niall said quickly, before shuffling uncomfortably out of the room, closing the door behind him.  


Harry turned his attention back to Louis, who was still standing on the treadmill.  


“What’s up?” Harry asked calmly, his eyes open and accepting.  


Louis shook his head. “It’s nothing. I’m sorry. I just think we need to call it quits for today.”  


He stepped off the treadmill and intended to go grab his stuff from where he’d thrown it in the corner but Harry stopped him by grabbing his shoulder. His hold was firm, but Louis could easily pull away if he wanted to.  


“If I let every client who wanted to call it quits after a couple of weeks leave, I wouldn’t have any clients,” Harry told him. “You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to, but I’m a good listener, and I signed a nondisclosure agreement before we started if you’re worried about that.”  


“It’s not the working out thing,” Louis said with a sigh. “It’s what it means.”  


“Believe it or not,” Harry said, releasing Louis’ shoulder. “Most breakdowns I see aren’t about ‘the working out thing’. People come to see me for different reasons, and getting in shape is very rarely the only one.”  


“What are you, a therapist?” Louis raised his eyebrows and crossed his arms defensively.  


Harry didn’t reply, just smiled at Louis encouragingly. And it would be so easy to just give in and tell someone how much everything sucked for once, about how he couldn’t even remember the last time he did something for himself, rather than the public.  


“Forget it,” Louis shook his head. He turned around and got back on the treadmill. Harry sighed but didn’t say anything else non work-out related for the rest of their session. Louis mentally thanked him. He wanted to just break down, let it all out, instead of putting on a brave face and ignoring it, but when it came down to it, Louis didn’t really know Harry. He liked him, thought he was a good guy and attractive as hell, but he didn’t know him, didn’t trust him. Louis didn’t trust anyone, really.  


Word had gotten out that Louis was training with Harry in the mornings after a few interviews, so Louis usually had to deal with paparazzi on his way in and out of the gym. He’d gotten pretty good at ignoring them over the years, but every now and then one of them knew just the right thing to say to push his buttons. It was really only a matter of time before it happened again.  


Louis waited at the counter with Barbara until he could see Liam pull up outside.  


“See you next week!” Barbara said brightly as he swung his bag over his shoulder.  


“Bye!” Louis gave her a half-hearted waved before he pushed the door open and the cameras started flashing.  


“Louis, how does it feel to be out of rehab?” Someone shouted.  


He ducked his head and ignored them.  


“Louis, how much weight have you lost?” Another rudely asked  


Again, Louis ignored them.  


“So, I might say some of us were a bit surprised when you chose to train with Harry Styles, given your reputation,” the closest person to him, a tall guy with a beard said. Louis looked up and the camera flashed in his face.  


“What are you talking about?” He asked in confusion. He looked over the pap’s head to see Liam looking at him questioningly through the windshield. He’d been so close.  


“Well,” the pap said. “What with Styles being gay,”  


Louis tried not to let his surprise show across his face. He had assumed Harry was straight, assumed everyone was straight, which was actually a really stupid thing to do now that he thought about it. Simon would skin him alive, but Louis was already having a bad day, and now he was beyond annoyed, and he couldn’t just bite his tongue and let people go on thinking idiotic things about him.  


“It doesn’t matter to me if Harry is gay,” Louis told the crowd with a shrug. “A person’s sexuality is no concern of mine. People can love who they want.”  


The cameras continued to flash around him. People on the streets stopping as they walked by to see what was going on.  


“So, you’re saying that you are not homophobic,” A different pap said.  


Louis bit his lip to keep from screaming. If only everyone knew.  


Instead he rolled his eyes. “That’s exactly what I’m saying. Now, if you’ll excuse me.”  


He pushed past and hurriedly got into Liam’s car.  


“What was that?” Liam asked, his eyebrows furrowed in concern.  


Louis shook his head. “Some pap pissed me off. I couldn’t let it go. Did you know Harry’s gay?”  


“Uh,” Liam looked over at Louis briefly in confusion, trying to catch up with the quick change of subject. “Yeah? Did you not know? I mean… I assumed that was why Simon picked him. To like, show that you aren’t homophobic or whatever without having you come out.”  


“Oh,” Louis murmured, comprehension dawning. “You’re… probably right. That actually makes a lot of sense.”  


“Yeah,” Liam nodded. “I figured that was why he had you move in with me too. Like, obviously because I told him I wanted to keep you company and stuff… while you’re… you know, figuring your shit out. But also because I came out last year and reminding people that we are friends can’t hurt your image either. Not that people even consider me bisexual, because apparently dating women means I’ve forgotten that I also like dick, but whatever. Us living together can’t hurt. Simon knows that.”  


Simon was a sneaky bastard. And a smart one. Louis needed to call him. To yell at him for keeping secrets, and then say thank you.  


By the time they got home, though, Louis had forgotten about Simon and his mind was just a constant stream of HarryIsGayHarryIsGayHarryIsGay. He stormed into the flat and collapsed onto the couch, grabbing his laptop from the coffee table. He went to the google search bar and typed, “Harry Styles”.  


“What are you doing?” Liam asked, still standing in the doorway, a slight frown on his face.  


“Googling Harry,” Louis scoffed, as if that was a perfectly normal thing to do and Liam should have guessed.  


"I knew you fancied him!" Liam announced triumphantly.  


“I don’t fancy him,” Louis huffed as he scrolled through the links “I don’t even know him that well.”  


“You don’t have to know someone to fancy them,” Liam pointed out, as he joined Louis on the couch and started to read over his shoulder.  


“I don’t fancy him,” Louis repeated, rolling his eyes. “I just think he’s fit. And nice. And funny.”  


Liam snorted. “Yeah, okay then,”  


So maybe Louis fancied him. But he wasn’t going to tell Liam that.  


“Click that one,” Liam said, pointing to the link to Harry’s wikipedia page.  


Louis clicked on it and they started reading.  


An hour later found Louis and Liam looking at pictures of Harry on google images. They had also learned possibly everything there was to know about him. Harry was twenty-four, had opened the gym about eight months prior, after the success he’d had on television in the states, and he had been open about his sexuality from the start by the looks of it. He was from Cheshire, had a sister whom he was close with, and his mum had remarried recently. Louis would never get over those pictures of Harry in a tux. There were also rumors that Harry was dating Nick Grimshaw, the guy who had done Louis’ first post-rehab interview, and there were enough pictures of them out together that Louis found himself believing the rumors. And having been the subject of truthless media rumors countless times himself, he knew better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've never been to a pub in the uk ok
> 
> thanks to [chelsea](http://www.wherestommo.tumblr.com) and [hafsa](http://www.hafsaherazade.tumblr.com) for being encouraging betas ily guys
> 
> i plan on updating on fridays after this chapter. and the fic is almost finished so that shouldn't be a problem
> 
> come say hi to me on [tumblr](http://www.littlelouishiccups.tumblr.com) :)


	2. November

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> flashbacks are in italics!

Louis started hooking up with Aiden when he was twenty-five. Aiden had been thirty-seven. He was directing a mockumentary and sought Louis out, asking him to be the lead. Simon encouraged Louis to accept the offer as he didn’t have anything else lined up and Aiden was popular at the moment. A few months later, Louis found himself spending his summer travelling across the United States with a tiny cast and crew. They filmed the mockumentary over the course of two months, and Louis and Aiden were sleeping together by the third week. They hooked up randomly all throughout filming and during post-production, but it wasn’t until January that they decided to become exclusive- right before the film would be released at Sundance.

Aiden was the second man Louis ever had sex with and the first man he ever had serious feelings for. The fact that Aiden was twelve years older than him and also his director didn’t worry Louis as much as it worried Liam, whom he called minutes after he and Aiden shared their first kiss. Liam tried to get Zayn on his side, but Zayn didn’t care what Louis did as long as he was happy. And Louis had been happy with Aiden at the beginning. He’d thought Aiden hung the bloody moon. Louis trusted him not to out him, because Aiden had been in his place once too, but in the end what happened was worse.

*****

_“You never stay over anymore,” Louis whined, sitting up in bed to watch as Aiden walked around the room, picking up the various items of clothing they’d thrown around in their rush to the bed earlier._

_Aiden didn’t respond. Louis glanced at the alarm clock on his bed side table. It was two in the morning. Aiden hadn’t even arrived at Louis’ until after midnight and he was already leaving. It just didn’t seem right. They’d spent more time together when they were just fucking around. They were supposed to be serious now._

_“Babe,” Louis tried again. “It’s late. Just sleep over.”_

_“Why should I stay over?” Aiden huffed, pulling his shirt down over his head._

_The real answer was because Louis just desperately wanted a cuddle, but he went for a cheeky response instead. “Because I’ll wake you up with a winner blow job in the morning.”_

_Aiden just looked at him._

_“What’s wrong?” Louis asked, getting annoyed. “Are you mad at me? Why don’t you want to stay?”_

_“Why should I stay over?” Aiden asked again, sitting down on the side of the bed to tie up his shoes. “Why should I stay over when you don’t even want to be seen with me?”_

_“That’s not true and you know it.” Louis retorted, offended._

_“What do I know, Louis?” Aiden threw his hands up in exasperation and stood up. “We’ve been doing… whatever this is, for half a year now. I’ve been patient, but you’re still, like, ashamed or-”_

_“I’m not-” Louis started but Aiden cut him off._

_“I’m thirty-seven years old, Louis. I can’t be in a secret relationship forever. I want to settle down soon, and I can’t settle down with someone who is still trying to figure their shit out.”_

_“Where is all of this coming from?” Louis asked quietly. “I- I thought you understood.”_

_“It was different when we were just sleeping together,” Aiden told him. “But we’ve been trying this boyfriend thing about for a month or so now. I thought this was gonna give you the push you needed to come out and I want to give you time to do your thing, but I- I’m not getting any younger and I don’t want a boyfriend anymore. I want a partner. ”_

_“I’m only twenty-six,” Louis said, getting defensive. He didn’t need any more pressure to come out. He was already getting it from his mum, and even more so lately now that Liam had done._

_“And maybe that’s the problem here,” Aiden sneered, and that pissed Louis off, because it wasn’t like Aiden hadn’t known about their age difference going in._

_“Are you trying to break up with me?!” Louis shouted. “Because if that’s what you want to do, you should just do it! Don’t bring all of your midlife crisis shit into this!”_

_“Jesus!” Aiden shouted back. “I’m not breaking up with you! I just think you need to stop with your stupid charade! At least for me. I think I deserve that after all I’ve put up with.”_

_“I think you should go.” Louis said quietly._

_“Yeah, don’t worry,” Aiden laughed harshly. “I’m leaving.”_

_He grabbed his keys from Louis’ dresser and paused at the doorway, tilted his head slightly to look back at Louis._

_“You have to come out some time, Lou.” He said, his tone softer than before, and then he left._

_Louis waited until he heard the front door close and Aiden’s key turning in the lock before he got up and pulled on a clean pair of boxers. He grabbed a bottle of vodka from the bar before collapsing onto the couch. He then proceeded to get absolutely smashed._

_He got smashed pretty much every night after that as well, and that was the start of his downward spiral._

*****

“You want me to put what, where?!” Louis asked incredulously.

“Stop being so dramatic,” Harry teased. “Put your hands behind your back and grab your ankles, like this.”

Louis watched as Harry got on his stomach, reached behind himself, and grabbed his ankles to settle in to what looked like a stupidly complicated and painful stretch.

Louis shook his head. “Nah, I’m good thanks.”

Harry sighed as he pulled out of the stretch, and then he scooted over to Louis and pushed him down onto his stomach.

“Harold,” Louis warned.

“Lewis,” Harry mocked him.

Louis had been training with Harry for over a month now, his break down that first week long forgotten. They’d gotten pretty friendly, teasing now a regular thing. Fantasies about Harry in Louis' bed were also becoming a regular thing. How could they not be when Harry was always there with his broad shoulders and toned arms, winking at him and smiling cheekily? 

All in all, they were comfortable with each other now, which meant that Harry thought he could try new things with Louis, like yoga, because he obviously hated him. Which was unfortunate because Louis was pretty sure he was already in love with Harry and his stupid curls and his stupid long legs and his stupid strong hands. Okay, well maybe he wasn’t in love. Love was a strong word. But he really wanted to make out with him. And maybe choke on his dick. Whatever. Details.  


It was especially really hard to concentrate on not spontaneously making out Harry when he was doing things like pushing Louis onto his stomach and manhandling him into weird positions.

“What does this have to do with losing weight?” Louis grumbled as he grabbed his ankles.

“It’s good for your soul,” Harry told him, scooting back to look at his form.

Louis rolled his eyes. “You talk a lot of shit.”

“It is,” Harry insisted, and Louis couldn’t argue with those dumb dimples so he did as he was told, biting back a cheeky remark when Harry told him that next time they would try a pose called the ‘downward dog’.

After Louis pulled out of the pose, they finished the session with a few breathing exercises.

“You’re definitely getting more flexible,” Harry told Louis with a wink. “Do you feel better? I’ve seen major improvement in the last two weeks.”

Louis just shrugged, but the truth was that he _did_ feel a lot better. Liam told him it was the endorphins being released in his head from working out. People who worked out were generally happy. Louis was pretty sure Liam only knew that from watching _Legally Blonde_. However, he had to admit that it made sense; Harry, Niall, and basically everyone at the gym were way too happy to be alive.

They walked to the locker room together, Harry complaining about the spin class he was about to cover because one of his trainers was out sick. Even his complaining was cute. Louis really needed to take a step back and look at his priorities.

Louis grabbed his stuff from his locker and headed towards the exit, telling Harry he would see him the next week. He waved at Barbara as he left and it wasn’t until he was home at Liam’s and about to take a shower that he realized he’d left his phone back in the exercise room. Niall had brought it in, telling him that it kept going off, and Louis had a short conversation with his sister before telling her he was busy and ending the call. He’d left his phone on the ground next to the treadmill and made a mental note as he lathered shampoo into his hair to go pick it up on his way to Zayn’s later.

A shower, a bowl of cereal, and a short nap later found Louis in his car (because he finally had his license back) on his way back to the gym. The gym was a lot calmer at this time of day, whereas it was still surrounded by paps in the mornings when Louis was expected to be there. After his little love-is-love speech, paps had started to swarm, hoping he would lose his cool again.

When he pulled the door open it was to see, not Barbara, but a blonde girl that Louis knew was named Cara, manning the desk.

“Hi!” she said brightly.

“Hello,” he greeted. “I left my phone here earlier.”

“Right,” she nodded. “Barbara told me. Apparently Niall tried to call you, but you see the problem there.” She laughed and he joined in with a small chuckle. “It’s in Harry’s office if you want to go back,” she nodded in the direction of the locker rooms and Harry’s office, and Louis thanked her before making his way back. He walked through the locker room and down the hall to Harry’s office, where he could hear talking.

“Harry,” a girl’s voice was carrying. “I swear to God, if you start waxing poetic about his eyelashes one more time I will personally make sure that the importation of bananas into England is stopped.”

“Heyyy,” Harry’s deep voice scolded. “First of all, that’s a little harsh. Second, it is not my fault that he is beautiful.”

Well. Whoever the fuck beautiful eyelashes guy was, Louis was going to kill him. He wasn’t being irrational. 

He pushed the door open all the way to see the girl opening her mouth to retort but she stopped when he entered and both she and Harry turned to look at him. Harry smiled and the girl’s eyebrows skyrocketed. She had a mischievous glint in her eye that Louis didn’t like at all.

“Louis!” Harry exclaimed, “Hi!”

“Hello,” Louis smiled back at Harry.

“This is my sister, Gemma,” Harry pointed to the girl. Louis turned his attention back to her and sure enough, now that he was paying attention, she looked exactly like Harry. The only difference he could see was that her hair was bleached so blonde it almost looked white, with the ends dip dyed a light purple.

“Hi,” Louis held his hand out to her. “I’m-”

“Louis Tomlinson,” she interrupted him, shaking his hand. “Believe me, I know. Harry looooved _Little White Lies_ when we were kids. He watched it religiously.” Louis smirked and his eyes darted to Harry before settling on Gemma again. This was certainly new information.

“Is that so?”

Gemma nodded emphatically. “Absolutely obsessed. He even had posters of y-”

“Here’s your phone, Louis!” Harry interrupted loudly, suddenly standing in between Louis and Gemma as he shoved Louis’ phone in his face.

Gemma snorted. Louis blinked.

“Um,” Louis blinked again before taking the phone from Harry. “Thanks”

“I was gonna call you to tell you left it,” Harry explained. “But... And then I was gonna try to call Liam or Zayn or someone from your phone, but it’s locked and I couldn’t figure out the passcode. Not that I was like, trying to creep on your phone or anything. I wasn’t. I promise.”

Louis chuckled. “It’s okay. I’m sure Simon thinks I’m dead in a ditch somewhere, but I didn’t miss it for too long.”

“Okay, good.” Harry let out a sigh of relief.

“Right,” Gemma said slowly. She stared at Harry and Louis, her look calculating. “Well, I’m going. It was nice to meet you Louis. I’ll see you at home, Haz.”

“Can you please get all of the sex you’re gonna have out of your system before I get home?” Harry asked with a groan.

“He’s leaving the country tomorrow, Harry,” Gemma said, looking at him incredulously. “No promises.”

With that, she left, and Louis looked back at Harry with confused eyes.

“You’d think that they’d have a bit more courtesy,” Harry said, like Louis knew what he was talking about. “Considering I introduced them.”

“Her boyfriend?” Louis guessed.

“Fiance,” Harry nodded. “He’s going back home to Australia tomorrow.”

Louis nodded in understanding. “Well then Curly, maybe you should be the considerate one and wear earplugs.”

Harry gasped, putting a hand to his heart like he was hurt. “Maybe you should jump in and let me stay at your place. Considering you’re talking about being considerate.”

Louis’ stomach did a somersault, but he ignored it. “Considering being considerate. Wow, excellent sentence structure there, Harold.”

“Heeeey,” Harry said, ducking his head with a small smile playing at his lips.

“You can come round to mine later if you want,” Louis shrugged, trying to sound nonchalant about the situation. They’d never hung out outside of the gym and Louis wanted to change that. “Well, technically I’m staying at Liam’s, but you can still come round. He won’t mind.” He’d probably be fucking ecstatic actually, since Harry was all Louis could talk about nowadays.

Harry’s face brightened. “I think I’ll take you up on that! I’ll make dinner for you guys. Show you that healthy food can also taste good, since you always complain about that. You know you’d be losing weight faster if you were eating clean.”

Louis rolled his eyes and ignored the dieting jab. “Whatever tickles your fancy, Curly. You can head over any time.”

“My last session ends at 6:30.” Harry told him. “So I’ll head over after that.”

Louis told Harry the address, which Harry put into his phone. He looked up from his phone when we was done, saying something about needing to do his rounds, so they said their goodbyes and Louis left. 

When Louis pulled up to Zayn’s house, Liam’s car was in the driveway. Louis rolled his eyes. For two men who claimed they were just friends, Liam and Zayn sure spent an obscene amount of time together. He went in through the back door of the house, knowing that paps liked to hang round the front, hoping to get a glimpse of R&B Bad Boy Zayn Malik. He found Zayn in the kitchen, leaning against the counter and eating what looked like something his mum probably sent him out of a Tupperware container. The telly could be heard from the other room; and Louis assumed that was where Liam was.

Zayn nodded at Louis in greeting and Louis threw himself down onto a chair at the table dramatically.

“My life is a tragedy,” Louis sighed.

“Is this supposed to be news?” Zayn asked, furrowing his eyebrows at Louis. This was why Louis loved Zayn. Yeah, Louis loved Liam too; Liam was his best friend, but Liam would never joke about the tragic state of Louis’ life, especially now.

“Harry’s in love with someone with beautiful eyelashes,” Louis said, sinking even lower into the chair. “I heard him talking to his sister about it. Apparently he’s written poems about the eyelashes. I can never compete with that. Fuck eyelashes, honestly.”

Zayn just looked at him.

“I just really want to suck his dick,” Louis whined. “It’s probably such a nice dick. I bet he’s proper hung. I hope beautiful eyelashes knows how lucky he is. Hey, it’s probably you! You have really good eyelashes. How dare you, Zayn. Honestly, how could you do this to me?!”

“What’s going on?” Liam asked, entering the kitchen, looking between Louis and Zayn with a confused look on his face.

“Harry fancies someone with eyelashes,” Zayn told him, his tone revealing just how fed up he already was with this conversation. “So Lou’s life is a tragedy.”

“It’s a tragedy,” Louis nodded gravely.

“So does this mean you don’t think Harry is dating Nick Grimshaw anymore?” Liam asked, trying to keep up.

“Grimshaw doesn’t have nice eyelashes,” Louis made a face. “He doesn’t have nice anything.”

“He has nice hair,” Liam pointed out, unhelpfully.

“When is this conversation going to be over?” Zayn asked with a groan, obviously pained.

“Harry has nice hair,” Louis ignored Zayn.

Liam’s phone started ringing.

“Thank God,” Zayn muttered.

Liam pulled his phone out of his back pocket and his eyes narrowed when he looked at the screen.

“It’s Sophia...” He murmured before bringing the phone up to his ear and retreating to the back of the house.  
Louis watched him go before turning to Zayn, whose face was suddenly completely blank. Louis knew that meant he was shutting down. He didn’t want Louis to know how much hearing Liam say those two words -and then watching him proceed to take the call- bothered him. Unfortunately for Zayn, Louis knew how to read him. Zayn wasn’t nearly as mysterious as the public thought he was.

“I’m sure it’s nothing.” Louis tried to reassure him after a few moments of silence.

Zayn shrugged. “None of my business anyway.”

“Right,” Louis said sarcastically.

“It doesn’t matter to me if he talks to his ex-girlfriend.”

“Sure.”

“It’s not like that.”

“Okay.”

“Mum sent over some chicken biryani,” Zayn changed the subject, holding up the container he was eating out of.

Louis was about to tell him not to avoid the topic when Liam walked back in with his bag slung over his shoulder, keys in hand.

“Well?” Louis asked impatiently, when it became clear that Liam wasn’t going to freely offer up any information.

“Sophia’s back?” Liam told them slowly, making it sound like a question. His mind was clearly somewhere else. “She wants to catch up. I’m… gonna go.”

He waved before leaving, closing the door carefully behind him.

When Louis turned his attention to Zayn this time, his reaction wasn’t as masked as it had been before.

“Zayn,” he murmured, prepared to comfort him.

“More containers in the fridge if you’re hungry,” Zayn said quietly, before putting his empty one in the sink. He grabbed his keys from the table. “I’m going to the studio. Lock the door for me, will you?”

He paused with his hand on the doorknob and ducked his head, sighing. “Don’t worry about me, Lou. I’ll be fine. Always am.”

Louis watched Zayn close the door before he pounded his fist on the table. Fuck.

*****

Louis stressed about Liam and Zayn all afternoon, to the point where he forgot all about Harry’s plans to come over, so he startled when a knock sounded on the door. His heart leapt when he realized who it was, and he cursed inwardly as he looked down to see that he was wearing sweatpants and a tank top. Sure, Harry saw him in worse at the gym, but Louis would have liked to dress up a little bit now that they were spending time together outside of that. He didn’t want Harry to see him as his client forever, and dressing in what looked like workout clothes probably wasn’t going to help. Oh well. It was too late to change now.

Louis cursed inwardly again when he opened the door to find Harry standing there looking freakishly good, carrying a sack of groceries in hands. He had changed clothes. He was wearing a flannel shirt, buttoned up only about half way, more of those stupidly skinny jeans, and he had a silk headscarf tied in his hair. Louis looked like a homeless person in comparison. Still, Harry smiled widely at him all the same.

“Sorry, I didn’t get a chance to clean up,” Louis told him, stepping aside to let Harry in.

Harry shrugged, looking around at what he could see of the flat. “It’s fine. I’m just happy to be out of my house and away from the lovebirds for a while. Thanks for letting me come over.”

“Well you’re cooking me dinner, mate,” Louis pointed out. “I wasn’t gonna turn that down.”

Harry giggled. “Fair enough. Show me to the kitchen and I’ll get started.”

Louis led him to the kitchen and Harry followed closely behind.

“Make yourself at home,” Louis told him, sitting down at the table. “I won’t really be much help, never am in the kitchen, but use whatever. Do what you need to do.”  
Harry set about doing just that.

“Is Liam in?” he asked Louis as he set the bag of groceries down on the kitchen counter.

Louis shook his head and sighed. “No, he got a call from his ex-girlfriend earlier? I guess he’s still with her.”

Harry bit his lip and nodded in interest. “And I’m guessing you aren’t happy about that? Do you not like her?”

“She’s fine,” Louis said, watching as Harry pulled items out of his sack. Vegetables. He was pulling out a lot of vegetables. “I’m more worried about how Zayn feels about it, considering he’s in love with him.”

Harry looked up, his eyes wide. And fuck, Louis probably shouldn’t have told him that. “Zayn’s gay? I mean, I know Liam is bisexual. I was actually really happy and proud for him when he came out. Nobody really expected it, you know? But Zayn too?”

Louis nodded hesitantly, but he figured he’d already let the cat out of the bag anyway. “Zayn’s bisexual too.”

“Huh,” Harry tilted his head to the side and zoned out for a second, before shaking his head and turning his attention back to the food. “I always assumed he’d end up getting back together with Perrie Edwards.”

Louis actually laughed at that. “Yeah, I don’t see that happening.”

“Really,” Harry made an inquisitive sound. “I rooted for them, thought they were perfect.”

“And they were,” Louis acknowledged. “Minus the fact that Zayn’s always been in love with Liam. Wait, you’re not gonna tell anyone about this, right? I can trust you?”

Harry nodded emphatically. “You can trust me. Besides, I signed a nondisclosure anyway. Can’t tell anybody anything you tell me even if I wanted to.”

“Cool,” Louis smiled. “Thanks.”

Harry grinned back before he set about chopping up the vegetables.

“Knew you weren’t homophobic,” Harry said, half to himself, half to Louis. “Was kind of worried when I first booked you with Simon, since that was the rumor going around, but Gemma reminded me that your best friend is bisexual. So I knew you wouldn’t care that I’m gay either.”

“Would be kind of hypocritical.” Louis admitted, wondering if he should come out to Harry. He wanted to, but only a handful of people knew about him. He kind of wanted that information to stay within the small circle of people he trusted, but he also hated hiding from those close to him, and if anyone would accept Louis with open arms, it would be Harry.

“Exactly!” Harry said. “Can’t believe I trusted the media for even a second. How could you be homophobic with a bisexual best friend?”

“Right, well,” Fuck it, he was gonna do it. “And also, like, because I’m gay too.”

Harry dropped the zucchini he was holding.

“Oh,”

Louis winced, already regretting his decision to tell him. “Yeah,”

“Cool,

“Not a lot of people know, so don’t like, spread it around.” Louis flipped his hand dismissively, not able to read Harry’s reaction. Maybe if he acted like it wasn’t a big deal then Harry would play along.

“Oh yeah, definitely.” Harry nodded, bending down to pick up the zucchini. “Um, who all knows?”

“Just my family, Zayn, Liam, Simon, and maybe a handful of others.”

“Well then,” Harry finally looked up again and smiled. “I’m glad you knew you could tell me.”

“Me too,” Louis said, relief washing over him. 

“Now,” Harry clapped his hands together “Where are your pots and pans?”

Harry made some kind of salmon and vegetable dish, and they were finishing up the dishes when Liam finally came back. He walked into the kitchen, assessed the situation, and looked at Louis with narrowed eyes.

“Um, hello,” he said, clearly confused.

“Hi!” Harry said from the sink. He handed off another dish for Louis to load into the dishwasher.

“How’s Sophia?” Louis asked, fixing Liam with a look.

“She’s…” Liam sat down with a sigh. “She’s good. There’s a party for her this Saturday? She wants me to go. I told her I would. Will you go with me, Lou? Please?”

“It’s probably not the best idea for me to go to a party,” Louis said, surprised that Liam even suggested it. Louis didn’t want to relapse, didn’t want to go back to that dark place. So it hadn’t been hard to keep from drinking so far, but there was only so much he could avoid in that environment.

“Shit. You think it will be triggering?” Liam asked, putting his head in his hands. “I really don’t want to go by myself and you know Zayn won’t go. He hates Sophia.”  
Louis wanted to shout at him. Zayn didn’t hate Sophia. He disliked her in the same way that Liam had disliked Perrie. In that he was jealous of her.

“And what happens to me when you have a few drinks and starting clinging to Sophia?” Louis retorted. “Because that’s when it’ll get triggering for me. I’ll be fine until I’m by myself. I’ll need a distraction.”

“I can go with you,” Harry suggested quietly. Louis looked back at him, surprised. “If you need someone there with you, someone to keep you grounded, I can go. I don’t have any plans.”

“You don’t have to go, Harry,” Louis told him, although he appreciated the offer.

“Sophia Smith, right?” Harry asked. Both Louis and Liam nodded, not surprised that Harry knew who she was. Liam and Sophia had been pretty public with their relationship. “I want to go. My sister loves her makeup line. I can rub the fact that I’ve met Sophia in her face, get back at her for having obnoxious sex in my house.”  


Liam narrowed his eyes in confusion at that but shrugged it off quickly, a sign Louis knew meant he was thinking ‘none of my business’.

“You’re sure?” Louis asked Harry.

“Yeah,” Harry smiled. “It’ll be fun.”

 

Louis got ready on Saturday night with a mission. He planned on looking the best he ever had, or... well, the best he’d looked in a long time. Then, hopefully Harry would like, fall in love with him. Or something. He wore one of his tightest pairs of jeans, the ones that showed off his ass, and a loose black sweater. He’d originally planned on going for something tighter, but he still had a belly. He was in much better shape than he’d been when he started training with Harry, but he still had a little pudge that made him kind of self conscious. He’d styled his fringe instead of pushing it back with a headband like he usually did, and he looked pretty damn good if he did say so himself.

Of course, Harry looked ten times better. He had layered a distressed gray sweater over a sheer black shirt, and he was wearing another headscarf in his hair, this one blue and pink. He was standing at the bar when Louis and Liam walked in.

“There’s Harry,” Liam pointed, like Louis didn’t have Harry Vision and hadn’t spotted him and his annoyingly long legs the second they walked in. “I’m gonna go find Sophia.”

Louis wanted to punch him in the face. Why was he even here? Liam didn’t need to drag him to parties only to leave him the second they got there. He made his way over to the bar and caught Harry’s eye when Harry glanced over. Louis was pretty sure he imagined it but it looked like Harry gave him a quick once over before smiling appreciatively. He gestured for Louis to join him and scooted over so Louis could stand next to him.

“You look nice,” Harry told Louis.

“Thanks,” Louis said, before pointing to Harry. “You do too. I like your scarf.”

Harry brought his hand up to his hair and adjusted it with a shy smile.

“So, I’m guessing we’re not getting drinks,” Harry said, nodding his head to the bartender.

“You can drink,” Louis told him. “But I’ll order something without alcohol.”

“How long have you been sober?” Harry asked, after he ordered some tasty looking mixed drink and Louis ordered a coke.

Louis thought about it for a second. He’d been in rehab for two months and out of rehab for almost the same amount of time. “About four months.”

“That’s really, really great, Louis,” Harry said warmly, reaching out to squeeze Louis’ arm. “I only see one side of your recovery and sometimes I forget just how much you’re doing.”

Louis shrugged. He hated talking about this stuff, didn’t feel like people should be proud of him for trying to live a better life. He didn’t really deserve it and it made him uncomfortable.

“Let’s do something to keep your mind off of it,” Harry suggested and Louis was glad that Harry was starting to be able to read him just as well as Zayn or Liam could.

“What do you suggest?” Louis asked, eyes scanning the room.

Harry stood up straighter and grabbed Louis’ hand. “Let’s dance,”

Louis looked at Harry skeptically. 

“Come on,” Harry wiggled his eyebrows. “I love this song.”

“Fine,” Louis allowed himself to be pulled towards the crowded dance floor. “Yeah, okay.”

They started out facing each other, moving awkwardly to the music. Harry was all long limbs and goofy jerky movements. It was clear he was making a fool of himself to make Louis more comfortable. He grabbed Louis’ finger and turned him around in circles, and when Louis came back to him, the music changed to something dirtier, with a slow and sexy beat. Louis decided to take a chance -he did come out tonight on a mission after all- and he settled in with his back to Harry’s front. The room was so crowded with drunk people that he was pretty sure nobody would notice. He could feel Harry tense for a moment, but eventually he relaxed and settled into a rhythm, placing his hands on Louis’ hips. 

Louis reached back to wrap an arm around Harry’s neck, holding him in place. That apparently gave Harry all the permission he needed. His grip on Louis’ hips tightened and he pulled him back against him. Louis smiled to himself and started to move his hips in a filthy rhythm. One of Harry’s hands came to wrap around his stomach, while the fingers of the other hooked into Louis’ belt loops. 

They danced for a long time, their movements getting dirtier and hips closer with each song. They were so close that Louis could feel Harry’s breath hitting his ear. He tilted his head to the side and half a second later Harry attached his lips to Louis' sweat slick neck. That startled Louis out of his trance. He didn’t need everyone to see that. He pulled back a bit to look at Harry, whose pupils were blown wide and cheeks flushed. Louis raised his eyebrows in a silent question. Harry nodded in response. They walked out of the club and got into a cab together and it was like the next thing Louis knew, he was pulling Harry into Liam’s flat and pushing him back against the door. 

It happened just like it did in the movies: one second they were having a fun time at the party, and the next they were in each other’s arms. In fact, Louis had acted out scenes just like this one several times for work. Only this time, he wasn’t completely bored and turned off, and he didn’t have instructions being whispered into his ear by the director. And this was a guy. And that guy was Harry. And Harry was everywhere.

“I can’t believe this is happening,” Harry whispered, as if in awe, before leaning down to suck at Louis’ neck. Louis couldn’t believe it was happening either, but he thought it was kind of strange that Harry felt that way. However, his confusion was pushed to the side as Harry started shoving back against Louis, walking him further into the flat. Louis allowed himself to be guided back into his bedroom, wrapping his legs around Harry’s waist when Harry’s hands moved to his ass and pulled him up.

“What do you want?” Harry asked as he dropped Louis down onto the bed.

Louis was taken aback by the question. He’d never been asked that before. The girls he’d been with always let him take charge, and Aiden had never really spared him the thought. When they’d started sleeping together Louis let him take charge, because he didn’t really know what to do himself, and towards the end Aiden just used him as a quick way to get off. Louis realized that now.

He moved so that his back was against the headboard and Harry followed, hovering over him and crowding into his space. His face was open and patient and Louis didn’t know what to do with himself.

“Um,” Louis sputtered. “Anything.”

Harry grinned and Louis wanted to smack those dimples right off his face, but Harry leaned in to kiss him before he could do anything.

“I wanna ride you,” Harry whispered into Louis’ mouth.

“Shit,” Louis groaned and Harry pulled back with a chuckle. He brought one leg over so that he was straddling Louis’ hips and he pulled his shirt off in one fluid motion. Louis couldn’t help it. He stared. He stared at Harry’s body, trying to take it all in: the tan skin, the muscles, the abs, the tattoos and Jesus Christ, he had a giant butterfly tattoo painted on his stomach. When he finally looked back up into Harry’s eyes, he was smirking.

“Wanna take a picture?” he teased, his eyes twinkling in amusement.

“You have a butterfly tattoo,” Louis told him in response.

“I do,” Harry nodded, giggling fucking adorably.

“Why?” Louis asked him, even though he hated the question himself. You didn’t have to have a fucking reason to get a tattoo.

Harry shrugged, moving his hands down to work the button of Louis’ pants as he spoke. “I liked it, thought it was pretty. And you know, butterflies in my stomach… it’s a pun.”

Louis shook his head, fondness suffocating him. “You’re ridiculous.”

Harry’s response was to pull Louis’ pants down and take hold of his dick. He hummed appreciatively and glanced up to make eye contact with Louis before bending all  
the way down to take Louis’ cock in between his lips, sucking gently. Louis cursed and fought to keep his hips from bucking up into Harry’s mouth. Harry started working him with his hand as well and Louis’ eyes rolled back into his head.

“Not that I’m not enjoying this,” he gasped. “But, it’s been a while and I won’t last very long, so if you wanted to ride me…”

Harry pulled off and wiped at his mouth.

“Right,” he winked at Louis. “Where’s your stuff?”

Shit. They would need stuff. Louis wasn’t sure if he had stuff. Lube, yes. That was essential. Condoms? Well, he hadn’t been laid in a really long time and any condoms that he might have had were probably still back at his house.

Louis pushed Harry off of him gently and stood up. Harry watched on with a mixture of confusion and amusement as Louis walked over to the dresser and pulled a bottle of lube out of his underwear drawer. He tossed it to Harry, who caught it easily with is right hand.

“I’ll be right back,” Louis told him, and then he rushed to Liam’s room, still naked from the waist down, as he had assumed Liam was still at the party. However, when he barged into Liam’s room, he was sat up in bed, reading a book. 

“Lou, what the fuck?!” Liam exclaimed, dropping the book and looking at Louis with a startled expression.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were here!” Louis told him, wincing. He was still standing in the doorway.

“I left early! Saw you dancing with Harry, figured you were fine. Do you always run around naked in my room when I’m not here?” Liam asked incredulously, raising an eyebrow.

Louis didn’t have time for this. “Look, I need a condom. You got any?”

“Is there someone here?” Liam hissed, his eyebrows skyrocketing. “You brought someone back? Is it Harry?”

“Yes!” Louis all but shouted, getting impatient. “Do you have a condom or not?”

Liam nodded, wide eyed. “Cabinet under the sink in my bathroom.”

Louis ran to the bathroom, throwing a “thank you” over his shoulder and opened the cabinet. A box of magnums was tucked neatly into the corner, sat beside a roll of toilet paper. Louis hastily grabbed a few from the box before sprinting back to his room, not bothering to close Liam’s door. He paused in the hallway, everything suddenly catching up with him. Shit, he had Harry Styles waiting for him in room, in his bed. He’d thought about this several times over the past month, but he never thought it would actually be a reality. 

He took a deep breath to steady himself and when he re-entered his room, Harry was riding his fingers. Louis let out a groan at the sight and Harry’s head snapped up.

“C’mere,” He breathed. Louis obeyed, hurrying over.

Harry straddled him again once Louis was settled on the bed with his back against the headboard.

“Wanna help me out here?” Harry asked, nodding to the lube, which was lying on the pillow next to him.

Louis reached for it and squeezed a bit onto his fingers. Harry removed his own fingers and waited for Louis, who reached behind him and pushed two fingers into his tight hole. Holy fuck. Louis’ movements were tentative, and Harry reached behind himself to push Louis’ fingers deeper.

“Oh, my God,” Louis hissed and Harry leaned up to kiss him while simultaneously moving his hips in circles. Louis started to move his fingers and Harry moaned, reaching for Louis’ cock.

“Another,” Harry whispered against Louis’ mouth as he jacked him off, squeezing and twisting his hand. “Give me another and then I’ll be ready for you. Fuck- please, Louis. Feels so good.”

Louis complied and Harry fucking whimpered, looking down into Louis’ eyes. Louis bit his lip to keep from screaming. 

Harry reached for a condom with the hand that wasn’t wrapped around Louis, and ripped it open with his teeth, before rolling it down over Louis’ cock. He grabbed the lube again and squeezed it directly onto Louis, spreading it down. 

“Are you-”

Harry cut Louis off. “Yeah, yeah I’m ready,”

Louis removed his fingers and Harry grunted at the loss before scooting up Louis’ body slightly and positioning himself over his cock. Louis grabbed onto his hips, noticing the tattoo there for the first time. “Might as well”. He would have contemplated that a bit more if Harry hadn’t slammed himself down onto Louis, causing him to shout out in surprise and pleasure. Harry was so tight and warm and wet and _tight_. Louis held Harry in place for a moment, everything just too intense, and shivered.

Harry grinned down at him cheekily and rolled his hips experimentally.

“Jesus, fuck-” Louis gasped.

Harry hummed his agreement and began moving his hips in circles, clenching around Louis, and yeah, Louis was not going to last long. 

Harry leaned in again to kiss him and Louis thrust up, causing Harry to gasp into his mouth and bite down on Louis’ lip. He ran his tongue over Louis’ lip in apology before he sat back and started to bounce up and down, his hands bracing himself on Louis shoulders. Louis moved his hands from Harry’s hips, to his cock and Harry’s eyes rolled into the back of his head when Louis squeezed.

“Louis,” He panted, nearly whined and _goddamn_ he was beautiful. Louis realized that Harry was still wearing his headscarf and he couldn’t help himself, he reached up to slide it off of his head. He tossed it to the side and Harry’s curls fell into his face, floppy and sweaty and Louis ran his hand through them, pushing them out of his eyes.

He could feel his impending orgasm, the tightening deep in his stomach.

“I’m gonna come,”

“Yeah,” Harry raked his teeth across his bottom lip. “Me too.”

Harry clenched around him some more, rolled his hips. “You first, though.”

He leaned down to kiss him again, ran a hand through his hair and yanked. And that was it. Louis’ orgasm hit him hard, Harry swallowing his moans as he kissed him.  
Harry came a few moments later with a loud groan, head thrown back as he continued to bounce up and down on Louis’ now softening cock, his chest glistening with sweat, and Louis wanted to cry, because he doubted that he would ever again see something so beautiful, feel something so beautiful, deserve something so beautiful.

 

When Louis woke up the next morning, the spot where Harry would have been if he’d stayed was cold. Louis wasn’t sure why he felt like he’d been punched in the gut, but he did. He felt let down, and he didn’t want to face Liam, who he knew heard them the night before, so he pulled the covers up to his chin and settled back into a sleepy haze. He was asleep enough that he didn’t hear his bedroom door open back up and he assumed he was dreaming when he felt the mattress dip and a body settled in next to his. He only started to second guess himself when he felt fingers trailing up and down his side underneath the blankets.

Harry kissed his hair softly. “You awake?” he whispered.

Louis yawned. “Kind of,”

“Mmm,” Harry purred, and his teeth clamped lightly on Louis’ earlobe, causing him to squirm. “I bet I could wake you up.”

Louis rolled his eyes. “You’re a walking, talking cliche, Styles.”

Harry’s hand travelled down Louis’ body and gripped at his half hard cock. He gave it a squeeze and Louis’ breath stuttered.

“I don’t hear you complaining,” Harry said, and Louis turned onto his back. Harry straddled him under the covers and looked down into Louis’ eyes. He was perched up with one hand next to Louis’s head, the other pumping Louis’ cock, working him to full hardness. All Louis could do was look at him. His eyes were bright and he wore a smug smile on his face. His curls fell in his eyes without being styled or his usual head scarf and there was a bruise on his neck, showing that Louis had been there the night before. He was fucking gorgeous and Louis was entranced.

Harry ducked down and kissed Louis quickly, biting at his bottom lip, before traveling down his body, his curly mop of hair disappearing beneath the covers. Louis watched the movement of Harry’s head as he felt him kiss down his stomach, tongue at his belly button, and nip at his hips before removing his hand from Louis’ cock and enveloping him in warm, wet heat. Louis sighed and moved to run his hands through Harry’s hair, but Harry grabbed them and pinned them down on either side of his hips.

“Harry,” Louis breathed, and in response Harry went down, down, _down_ , until Louis could feel that his dick was at the back of his throat. He started bobbing his head, and Louis was unraveling beneath him when his door opened and Liam appeared in the doorway. Louis’ eyes snapped up in shock. He made eye contact with Liam and could see the exact moment all the pieces clicked into place.

“Jesus Christ!” Liam shouted, covering his eyes. “Oh, my God!”

Harry chuckled beneath the covers, his nose huffing out breath against Louis’ hip, but he didn’t stop his movements and Louis gulped, torn between coming down Harry’s throat and pushing him away in embarrassment, and Liam was _still in the room_.

“I’m s-sorry,” Liam stammered. “I- oh, my g- I thought-”

“Liam,” Louis hissed as Harry did something incredibly talented with his tongue, “Get out.”

“Right.” Liam nodded, his hand still covering his eyes. “Yeah. I’ll… just be going.”

He rushed out, slamming the door behind him.

Louis rolled his eyes and looked up at the ceiling helplessly before laughing fondly.

“You have absolutely no shame,” he told Harry, who just hummed and continued to drive Louis crazy with his tongue.

He let go of one of Louis’ hands as he pulled away for air, and his hand gripped at the base. Harry stroked and squeezed Louis a few times, and then Louis came with a broken curse. He was panting as Harry peeked his head out from underneath the covers, his face splattered with Louis’ come. He grinned cheekily. Louis was convinced that Harry was some kind of endearing mythical creature. It should not be possible to look that adorable with jizz all over your face. He was about to ask if he could return the favor when Liam’s voice rose from outside.

“AND HARRY WAS GIVING HIM A BLOW JOB, ZAYN,” He was shouting, clearly having called Zayn to relate his distress. “AND HE DIDN’T STOP WHEN I WALKED IN! HIS HEAD JUST KEPT ON BOBBING! AND LOUIS JUST LET HIM! WHO. DOES. THAT?!”

Louis snorted and Harry cocked his head to listen as Liam paused, presumably listening to whatever Zayn had to say.

“YES, I’VE HAD A BLOW JOB BEFORE, ZAYN,” He screeched, sounding utterly distraught. “OF COURSE I KNOW HOW GREAT THEY ARE. BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN I WOULD JUST LET IT HAPPEN WHILE MY BEST FRIEND WATCHED.”

Another pause.

“I WASN’T WATCHING BY _CHOICE_.” Harry started shaking with laughter and Louis bit his lip to keep quiet, wanting to hear the rest of Liam’s conversation with Zayn.  
“FUCK YOU, ZAYN. OH, MY GOD.” Pause. “Yeah, it was good. She’s good.” Another pause. “Yeah, I’m down. See you later. Maybe. I think I’m gonna go drink bleach.”

Louis and Harry both busted out laughing and Harry pulled on the corner of the comforter to wipe the drying come off of his face.

“In his defense,” Harry said once they’d calmed down and his head was resting on Louis’ chest. “I told him I was just gonna come wake you for breakfast. I didn’t tell him that waking you up would entail a blow job. Couldn’t help it though, wanted to do it last night, but you wouldn’t let me.”

“Speaking of,” Louis said. “Do I need to return the favor?”

Harry chuckled but shook his head. “Later. Surprisingly, having Liam scream about us in disgust was kind of a mood killer.”

Louis smiled and sighed contentedly as Harry traced the tattoos on his arm with his fingertips.

“So,” Louis said, trying to sound nonchalant. “You made me breakfast?”

Harry turned his head to smile at him. “Yeah,”

For all that Louis joked, if he wasn’t careful he was going to actually fall in love with him. He could already tell.

“Come on,” He sat up, forcing Harry to do the same. “Let’s go comfort Liam in his time of need. I think you scarred him for life.”

“I scarred him for life?” Harry scoffed, standing up. He was already dressed, in one of Louis’ t-shirts and a pair of his sweatpants. He looked good in them, even if the pants were a bit too short. “You were the one breathing and moaning while he was in the room.”

“Yeah,” Louis allowed, walking over to his dresser to search for some clothes. “Because _someone_ was sucking at my dick like a lifeline.”

Harry came up behind Louis and wrapped his arms around him, letting his hands rest low on his abdomen teasingly.

“Are you saying it’s not?”

Louis reached for a t-shirt, bit his lip and turned around in Harry’s arms, winking cheekily. He tried to look up at him like Harry wasn’t killing him slowly with the teasing and the touches and the fondness. Nobody had ever treated Louis like that before, not even Aiden. And it had only been one night.

Louis ran his hand down Harry’s chest and dipped his fingers into the waistband of his sweatpants. Harry’s breath hitched but Louis withdrew his hand, moving away to head for the door. He laughed inwardly at Harry’s muttered curse and opened the door to the smell of sausage. Oh man, he was in serious trouble.  
Liam was sitting at the table, looking down at the food like it was personally offending him.

“Hi,” Harry said sheepishly, taking a seat at the table as well.

Louis joined them both and rolled his eyes at the uncomfortable silence. “Fuck off Liam, honestly. You didn’t even see anything.” Well, not anything that he hadn’t seen before anyway.

“Just lock the door next time,” Liam shuddered. “Please.”

Harry chuckled. “Sorry, mate.”

Louis sat quietly while Harry and Liam talked. They were talking about working out and Louis couldn’t be less interested. He liked that they got along, but he couldn’t help but think about how nice it would be if he had Harry to himself in the morning.

“You know,” Louis said after a bit, interrupting Liam, who was asking Harry questions about his bench press routine. “Maybe it’s time I move back into my place.”

Which was a totally presumptuous thing to say now that he thought about it. He’d been thinking it would be a good idea to have privacy, but who knew if Harry would even want to sleep with him again. Maybe he was just the type of guy to cook breakfast after a one night stand. What if he didn’t even mean anything by it? That sounded like Harry, actually. He’d probably bake cookies for a robber and send them away with a glass of milk.

“You don’t have to, Lou.” Liam told him gently. “You know I like having you here.”

Louis nodded. “I know, but I think it’s time. I’ll talk to Simon and my therapist about it, but I want to try.”

“Sure,” Liam smiled. “If you think that’s best.”

“I do,” Louis told him. “Besides, Caroline keeps getting on to me for paying her full wages when she’s not doing anything but dusting once a week.”

“Caroline?” Harry questioned through a mouthful of toast.

“My housekeeper,” Louis replied. Caroline Watson had been with Louis since he moved to London at eighteen. In a way, she was like his mom away from his mom. She worked Monday through Friday, cooked his meals, cleaned his house, and when Louis had gone to rehab he’d refused to stop paying her. She’d argued that she didn’t deserve to be paid when she wasn’t doing anything. Louis argued back that she didn’t deserve to be out of a job because he was dumbass. Also, there was the fact that he really didn’t want to lose her. She was great, the only person besides Zayn, Liam, and Simon who knew pretty much everything about him.

“I think it’s a great idea!” Harry said brightly. “Moving back home. It’s another step to getting your old life back, right?”

“Yeah,” Louis sipped at the tea Harry made, not quite as good as his own, but pretty close. “It’s time.”

Liam clapped Louis on the back when he stood up to clean his empty plate.

“So,” Louis changed the subject. “You’re hanging out with Zayn today?”

Liam nodded. “In a bit. Wanna come?”

Louis shook his head. “No. I think I’m just gonna have a lazy day here, maybe call Simon about moving back home later.”

He turned his attention to Harry, who was peeling a banana with the stupidest look of concentration on his face. Liam gave Louis a knowing look and then came up with some shitty excuse to leave, God bless him.

“Byyyye!” Harry looked up from the banana and gave a small wave.

“Nice to see you again, Harry,” Liam said. “Even if I saw more than I would have liked.”

Louis rolled his eyes. “You didn’t even see anything.”

“Still more than I would have liked!” Liam retorted as he left the kitchen. Louis waited until he heard the front door open and Liam’s key turning in the lock before he sighed in exasperation. Harry chuckled, tossing his banana peel onto his plate.

“You done?” Louis asked him, standing up to start on the dishes. Yeah, he couldn’t wait to be back home where he didn’t have to do this shit.

Harry nodded and got up to help him. Louis thought about telling him not to worry about it, since he’d made breakfast, but he wasn’t that generous. Harry started singing some song Louis recognized from his sisters about cleaning up and everybody doing their share as they loaded the dishes into the dishwasher. Honestly, why did Louis like him?

“Come on,” Harry poked him in the side. “I know you know this song.”

“Mmm, nope,” Louis tilted his head to the side. “I’m good.”

“You’re no fun,” Harry exaggerated a sigh.

“That’s not what you said last night,” Louis said, pouring soap into the dishwasher. Harry was silent as Louis closed the dishwasher and chose a cycle, and Louis assumed he was trying to come up with a comeback. It surprised him when Harry’s voice took a serious turn.

“Louis, I’ve got to ask,” Louis looked up at him. “Was this a one time thing, or…? I mean, if it was a one time thing that’s... cool, ya know. It was fun and stuff. We can go back to the gym tomorrow and act like nothing has changed. But… if you want it to be more, I- I wouldn’t mind that either.”

Louis knew for the sake of his own long term sanity that he should lie, say he just wanted it to be a one time thing. But Harry was looking at him with his big green eyes, so open with emotion and more than anything, Louis wanted, _needed_ , to dive into that openness and stay for a while.

“I’d… I think I’d like for it to be more.” Louis admitted, ducking his head shyly. “If that’s okay with you.”

He peered up at Harry through his eyelashes and Harry smiled at him softly.

“Yeah,” he murmured, moving into Louis’ space. “Yeah, it’s more than okay with me.”

*****

“Want me to drop this off in your room?” Zayn asked a week later, pulling one of Louis’ suitcases out of the trunk of his car.

“That’d be great, thanks,” Louis told him, clicking the button on his garage door opener.

“Should’ve known you live in a mansion,” Harry muttered accusingly, looking up at Louis’ house with wide eyes. Even though they’d talked about seeing each other more, because of their schedules, this was the first time Louis was seeing Harry outside of the gym since the Sunday before. Louis asked Harry during their session on Friday if he would be willing to help Louis move back into his house and then if he wanted to stay over after, to which Harry enthusiastically agreed. He showed up to Liam’s flat in a white t-shirt and a pair of navy sweat pants, his hair poking out of a snapback. It was the first time Louis was seeing him in something other than his gym uniform or skinny jeans and he still looked like he should be illegal. Louis was really fucking frustrated.

“It’s not a mansion, Curly,” Louis said as they followed Zayn into the house, Louis carrying a suitcase of his own and Harry a cardboard box under each arm.

“You have a balcony,” Harry pointed out. “That qualifies a mansion.”

“Um, no? No it really doesn’t.”

“Shut up, Louis,” Zayn huffed. “It’s a really fucking big house for one person.”

And well, Louis couldn’t argue with that. He _did_ have a football pitch in addition to a pool in the backyard. He might have splurged a little after starring in his first blockbuster film. Then again, Zayn didn’t have any room to judge. He owned six cars and a motorbike. Liam was the only sensible one, with his two cars and conservative flat. Yeah, Zayn couldn’t talk.

“Its investment property,” Louis insisted when Harry agreed with Zayn.

“I thought that was your house in L.A.” Zayn reminded him as they walked through the house.

“You have a house in L.A.?” Harry asked excitedly, bouncing up and down a bit.

Louis nodded. “I like having my own space better than staying in a hotel when I’m there.”

Zayn dropped Louis’ suitcase in the doorway of his bedroom.

“Cheers Zayn, thanks!” Louis said when he almost tripped over it.

Zayn shrugged and headed back out to grab the last box.

The three of them spent the afternoon unloading Louis’ suitcases while Zayn played music over the loudspeakers Louis had installed throughout the house. Liam texted when they were almost done, asking if they needed anymore help, but Louis told him not to worry about it. Zayn left around dinner time, leaving Louis and Harry to themselves for the rest of the night.

“You hungry?” Louis asked Harry once Zayn was gone, leading him to the kitchen. “We can order in? I don’t have any food; haven’t been to the store yet.”

He noticed the note on the island at the same time as Harry, who picked it up and read out loud, “Louis- I made a pot of soup for you to eat over the weekend. There’s a nice loaf of bread as well. Both are in the fridge. I’ll do the shopping after I meet with you on Monday. Glad to have you back, sweetie! Love you! Hugs and kisses, Caroline.”

Louis opened the refrigerator while Harry read, to find that there was in fact a pot of soup and a loaf of French bread. He pulled them out, placing the pot on the stove to warm it up.

“She seems like a nice lady,” Harry said, putting the note back down on the island.

“Caroline’s the best,” Louis agreed. “Been with me for almost ten years now.”

“Does she know that you’re gay?” Harry asked. “Or do I need to pretend to be a friend if I see her?”

“She knows.” Louis glanced up with a smile. 

“When did you come out to your friends and family?” Harry asked. “If you don’t mind me asking. I want to know more about you.”

“I don’t mind,” Louis assured him. It was nice getting to talk to someone who didn’t already know everything about him. “I didn’t even realize I was gay myself until I was eighteen. I mean, I guess I knew I wasn’t all that interested in girls, but it wasn’t until I was dating Eleanor that I realized I _really_ wasn’t interested in girls.”

“Eleanor Calder, I remember that!” Harry exclaimed, face animated. “She’s moved up in the world hasn’t she? Has her own clothing line now and what not.”

Louis nodded as he stirred the soup. “Yeah, it mostly started off as a PR stunt. I was promoting a film and she was still doing the reality show at the time, but we ended up actually dating for a year or so. Lost my virginity to her and everything. We’re still friendly. I get Christmas cards from her and Max every year.”

“So you started questioning after your relationship with her?” Harry wondered, watching Louis with interest, his chin in his hand.

“During,” Louis put the lid back on the pot and pulled out a knife to slice the bread. “She’s the first person I came out to actually, and then Liam after that.”

“Am… am I the first guy you’ve been with?” Harry asked hesitantly. “I mean, I’m assuming not, as you seemed to know what you were doing.” He winked and Louis blushed before shaking his head. “But I’ve never heard any speculation about you with anyone except for girls.”

“No, you aren’t the first guy I’ve been with.”

“Details?” Louis knew, that if he didn’t want to, he didn’t have to tell Harry anything. Harry wasn’t prying, he was just curious. 

“Well… actually, the first guy I ever slept with was Liam,” Louis admitted, looking up with a smirk to gage Harry’s reaction. He looked just as shocked as Louis assumed he would be.

“You and Liam were-”

Louis shook his head quickly, cutting Harry off. “Nothing like that. We’ve never been anything more than friends. But we did go through our sexual identity crises together and we were young and perpetually horny, so we experimented. It only lasted about a month and we rarely talk about it. I don’t even think Zayn knows.”

“Well, I definitely never would have guessed that,” Harry said, taking his snapback off to run his hand through his hair before putting it back on.

And because Louis has always been one for dramatics, he decided to drop the other bomb on him too. “And I was with Aiden Grimshaw for about eight months as well.”

Harry’s jaw dropped again. Louis turned around to grab a couple of bowls from the cupboard. 

“Wait, so that fight you two had at that party in the spring? The one that started the homophobic rumors?”

“A misunderstanding and the product of a really bad break up,” Louis told him, not really wanting to revisit that memory. “He was kind of a dick, in the end.”

“I’m sorry,” Harry’s voice was quiet, and his eyes softened in the way that only people who had been through bad relationships themselves’ eyes softened. Louis wondered if he’d ever hear that story.

He shrugged, ladling soup into two bowls. “Enough about me. What about you?”

“Kind of a boring story, actually.” Harry took the bowl of soup Louis offered him, the bowl looking smaller in his big hands. “Always knew. I came out to my sister when I was fifteen and to my mom a year later when I started dating my first boyfriend. Never really did a big coming out at school. I let people figure it out themselves and told them the truth if they asked, but I think most people suspected before then anyway.”

Louis admired just how unabashed Harry was about himself. He was jealous of the setting Harry grew up in, that allowed him to feel that way. Louis grew up on camera, where everyone judged your every move. He loved his job and was grateful for all of the opportunities he was presented with, but sometimes he wished he’d grown up out of the spotlight, wished he’d always been able to be himself. Harry might be a complete goofball at times, but at least he was unapologetic about the person he was. 

Louis sat next to him while they ate and when they were finished, Harry pushed their bowls out of the way and turned to Louis with a serious look. He took a deep breath and looked Louis straight in the eye, making him slightly anxious.

“So, just to make sure I’m reading this right-” He started, running his hands up and down his thighs. “I’m not to tell anyone about this.”

Louis swallowed. “Yeah, I’d appreciate if you kept it quiet. But I understand if you don’t want to go anywhere with this because of that, considering you’ll have to hide.”

If Louis learned anything from his relationship with Aiden, it was that he shouldn’t ask anybody to hide for him. That wasn’t fair to them or to him. 

“I’m not worried about that,” Harry dismissed Louis with a wave of his hand. “You should be able to come out on your own terms. And I like you a lot; I’d like to see where this goes. I can hide if it means getting to do that.”

“Thanks,” Louis whispered, breathing out a sigh of relief. It meant more than Harry could ever know.

“And also,” Harry touched Louis hand gently. “I’d like for this to be exclusive. I don’t really want to share you.”

Louis chuckled and linked his fingers with Harry’s. “Good, because I don’t want to share you either.”

“Well then,” Harry grinned and dragged Louis’ stool closer to his with his feet. 

He moved in painstakingly slowly, causing Louis’ breath to stutter, and smirked right as he joined their lips together. Louis reached up to wrap his arms around Harry’s neck and Harry ran his hands up Louis’ thighs and around to grab his ass. He pulled until Louis got the message and moved to straddle Harry on the stool. 

“Wanted to do this all day,” Harry murmured against Louis’ lips. 

“Yeah?” Louis reached down between them, his fingers running lightly over Harry’s growing erection.

“Yeah,” Harry sucked on Louis’ lip. “You’re so fucking hot.” 

His voice was even deeper and rougher than usual and Louis didn’t even know how to reply. It wasn’t often that he was at a loss for words. 

“You don’t even know how hot you are, what you do to me” Harry licked his way up to Louis ear, biting the lobe gently. “You’re always there, and sweaty, with your hair pushed back in those stupid headbands.”

Harry’s hands found their way into the waistband of Louis’ pants and he squeezed his ass. “I’m gonna make you scream,”

“Jesus,” Louis shivered. So. Harry was into dirty talk. That was. That was something. 

Louis ran his hands through Harry’s soft hair, throwing the snapback to the side. He pulled Harry’s hair when he felt a finger brush his opening.  
Harry gasped. “Bed.”

Louis couldn’t have agreed more. He untangled himself from Harry’s lap and lead the way to his bedroom on shaky feet. Once they’d made it to the room, Harry pushed Louis back onto the bed and crowded into his space once more. That was something Louis would have to get used to, Harry always crowding into his space. So far, he found that he liked it, liked having someone who wanted to be so close to him and made him feel safe. 

Harry pushed Louis shirt up, so that it was bundled up underneath his armpits and then he leaned down to kiss Louis’ bellybutton.

“It’s a shame it’s my job to get rid of this,” He said, pinching Louis’ chub. “It’s so fucking cute.” And well, Louis didn’t know what to do with that information. Nobody had ever called his gut cute before. Harry was giving him whiplash. One second he was whispering dirty things into his ear and the next he was praising the very thing Louis was most self-conscious about. 

Harry leaned back to pull his shirt off over his head and Louis pushed his pants down. Harry’s hand immediately wrapped around him, stroking slowly. He moved down Louis’ body, pushing his thighs apart. He licked his way down Louis’ cock and mouthed at his balls before wrapping his arms around Louis’ thighs and tonguing at his hole.

“Fuck,” Louis bit out. Nobody had ever rimmed him before. Harry was going to be the end of him. He really was. 

Harry hummed against him, the flat of his tongue licking across his hole before delving back in. Louis whimpered as Harry’s tongue probed in and out and he pushed his ass into Harry’s face, chasing more, wanting to take everything Harry was willing to give. His skin felt hot all over and he fisted his hands in the sheets. It wasn’t long before one of Harry’s fingers joined his tongue. Once he’d worked his way up to two fingers he pulled back to kiss the inside of Louis’ thigh, the sweet gesture throwing Louis off a bit as he recovered from having a tongue in his ass.

“I hope you have lube and condoms,” Harry teased. “Because you can’t go steal some from Liam this time.”

Louis reached up behind him, opened the drawer to his bedside table and searched for the little tube of lube and a condom. He tossed them to Harry once he found them. Harry pulled out of Louis and Louis grunted, but Harry quickly applied some lube to his hand and pressed back in with three fingers, an endearing look of concentration on his face. It felt nice to be looked after, to have someone who wanted to make him feel good. Louis lost track of time as Harry worked him open, reaching down to jack himself off. 

When Harry finally pulled out, ripping the condom open with his teeth, Louis pulled him up the length of his body and pushed him to the side, straddling him instead. He helped Harry with the condom and guided him into his hole, settling down onto him slowly, feeling the stretch from the inside out. His breath caught and Harry smiled up at him, his pupils blown. 

“Fuck,” he groaned, his eyes rolling to the back of his head.

Harry grabbed his hips and started to thrust up slowly, gaining speed when Louis leaned down to mouth at his neck. Louis closed his eyes and moaned with each thrust, Harry’s panting breath hot in his ear. God, he was overwhelming. But in the best possible way. Louis raked his nails down Harry’s chest, eliciting swears and delicious noises from him. 

“Lou,” Harry panted. “Fuck, I’m- I’m gonna-”

Louis watched as Harry’s climax hit him and he bit his lip as he cried out, his muscles tightening under Louis’ hands. His chest heaved and Louis was all set to finish himself off while Harry came down from his high, but Harry threw an arm around his waist and switched their positions. He barely gave Louis time to register what was happening before he ducked down and took Louis into his mouth, swallowing him down. Fuck. Louis cried out, seeing stars.

He thrust into Harry’s warm, wet mouth, three times before he was coming too, his hands tangling in Harry’s hair while Harry held his hips down, sucking him through it. He swallowed everything and continued to suck at Louis until it got uncomfortable.

“Please, I can’t.. enough... too much,” Louis whimpered. Harry finally pulled back and moved up the bed, collapsing down next to Louis on his back. He pulled the condom off, and threw it into the wastebin next to Louis’ bed.

“Shit, that was good,” Louis said after they’d both managed to catch their breath.

“We make a pretty good team, don’t we?” Harry asked, holding his hand up for a high five.

Louis rolled his eyes. “You’re an idiot.” He returned the high five anyway. 

“An idiot who just fucked your brains out,” Harry reminded him. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Louis turned onto his side to look at him. He glanced at the clock over Harry’s shoulder. It was barely 8:00, too early for bed. 

“What do you wanna do now?” Harry asked, seeming to read Louis’ mind.

“We could watch a movie and then start round two?” Louis suggested.

Harry nodded, before stretching out like a cat. “As long as I don’t have to get dressed.”

“Course not,” Louis winked at him. “Prefer you naked anyway, Styles.”

Harry wiggled his eyebrows. “The same goes for you, Tomlinson.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shout out to [chelsea](http://www.wherestommo.tumblr.com) for being a doll and helping me with smut things.
> 
> come say [hi](http://www.littlelouishiccups.tumblr.com) :)


	3. December I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's quite a bit of ziam in this chapter so if that isn't your cup of tea and you'd rather not read it then you can skip over liam's perspective (this chapter has three parts: louis, liam, then back to louis) BUT the ziam arc is a pretty big part of this fic so you will be missing some plot. i'm sorry the ziam just really ran away from me and idk how i got to this place but here we are. 
> 
> also my one of my betas is on vacation and has shitty wifi and the other is busy with ramadan things so there might be mistakes i didn't catch.
> 
> anyway i hope you enjoy the chapter :)

Things with Aiden only went downhill after the fight that night. Zayn and Liam kept telling Louis to call things off, but Louis couldn’t bring himself to do it. He craved the physical affection he’d once received from Aiden, hoped that it would return, but Aiden had closed off. Louis should have expected it, shouldn’t have been surprised when he found out Aiden was cheating on him. It hurt more than it should have.

_It was about a month after the fight and Louis was in a car on his way to Aiden’s from the airport. He’d been gone for almost two weeks, doing promotion in The States, and he was home two days early. He missed Valentine’s Day but he still wanted to celebrate, even if it was a week late. He just wanted to make things right again. Honestly, he should have known. It played out like every cliché movie ever made. He was on the phone with Zayn, who kept telling him to just head home, that the asshole didn’t deserve to be surprised after he’d virtually ignored Louis for two weeks. He hadn’t answered his calls, only responded to his texts every now and then. But Louis kind of deserved it, considering he’d done the same thing after the fight. Although his freeze out only lasted three days. Aiden was taking it to a completely different level._

_“I need to apologize to him,” Louis told Zayn. “He’s hurting just as much as I am and I need to be the bigger person and apologize. That’s how relationships work.”_

_“Kind of,” Zayn said, and Louis could hear his sneer. “But not really, Lou. People in relationships don’t ignore each other for days. He’s a shit.”_

_“He’s not a shit,” Louis defended Aiden._

_“Fuck off, Lou,” Zayn huffed. “He’s a shit and he’s too old to be acting like this and you deserve better. This isn’t like you at all. You don’t let people walk all over you and I don’t know why you’re letting him.”_

_“I’m not,” Louis weakly protested, but he knew Zayn was right. If anyone else ignored Louis’ calls he would have stopped trying ages ago, told them to go fuck themselves and that they weren’t worthy of his time._

_“You are, and I’m not gonna tell you what to do, Louis.” Said Zayn. “Like, if you’re happy then that’s fine, but it doesn’t really seem like you’re very happy.”_

_Louis didn’t have a response to that, just clutched the phone tightly to his ear. He could hear Zayn breathing on the other end, waiting for him to say something._

_“Proper relationships don’t drive people to drink, Lou,” Zayn said softly after a while, when Louis still hadn’t said anything. “This… this is the first time in weeks that I’ve talked to you without you being drunk. And I know it’s been the same with Liam.”_

_And that was how Louis knew his friends were officially worried about him, because last he’d heard, Liam and Zayn hadn’t talked in over two months. For some idiotic reason unbeknownst to Louis, they decided not to contact each other at all during the months Liam was filming in The States. He’d been back for a couple of weeks now and they still refused to hang out with each other. It was fucking stupid but Louis was glad they were talking again, even if it was to worry over him._

_“You talked to Liam?” Louis asked in an effort to take the heat off of himself._

_“Yes, I talked to Liam,” Zayn said, exasperated. “I’m hanging up before you can change the subject. Think about what I said and good luck, I guess.”_

_Louis thanked him and they both hung up. The driver pulled up to Aiden’s house a few minutes later. Louis tipped him generously, taking a deep breath before he made his way up the steps to the house. He turned his key in the lock and heard the TV playing in the living room, so he headed in that direction. When he walked in he was greeted by a shirtless Aiden, accompanied by a man in his underwear, cuddled together on the couch. For some reason, that hurt more than catching them mid blow job. It would have been one thing if it was just sex, but Aiden didn’t cuddle after ‘just sex’. Louis knew that first hand from the beginning of their relationship. This looked like it meant something._

_“Um,” He said and both men startled, snapping their heads to him. “What the fuck?!”_

_“Shit,” Aiden sat up. “Louis-”_

_“What the fuck?!” Louis shouted again, interrupting him._

_The rest of that night was kind of a blur. Harsh words were spoken, feelings were hurt, tears were spilled, but the worst part… the worst part was that Aiden didn’t even apologize, didn’t tell the guy to leave, didn’t call after Louis when he stormed out. It was all of those things together that led Louis to calling his dealer that night, to ask if he had anything harder._

*****

Awards Season. There wasn’t much that Louis hated more than Awards Season. Okay so, he also kind of really really loved Awards Season, especially if his work was being recognized, but ugh. Awards Season meant Simon was on his ass 24/7, it meant he had to deal with stylists and had to go to functions and interviews, and at this point it was getting kind of old considering he kept getting nominated but never actually won anything. 

“You are the most ungrateful twat,” Simon said to Louis over the phone. He’d just called, waking Louis up with the news that he was nominated for Best Supporting Actor at the Golden Globes.

“I’m not ungrateful,” Louis sighed, looking up at the crack that was forming in his ceiling. He made a mental note to ask Caroline to call someone in to fix it. “I’m just not ready for all of the attention this is gonna get.” Because the media was going to eat this up. Young twenty-something actor, fresh out of rehab, everyone watching his every move, nominated for his fourth Golden Globe. Woo. This was going to be barrels of fun. 

The only person Louis was really excited for this awards season was Zayn, who had been asked to perform at the Grammys nomination party that weekend, so it seemed very plausible that he would be nominated for something.

“Let me deal with that,” Simon reassured him. “I won’t schedule anything I don’t think you’re ready for and I can always ban certain questions. Just let me know. Speaking of, I got a new nondisclosure written up for Harry to sign.”

Right, yeah, because now that they were dating some clauses had changed. It had been three weeks since Louis and Harry made the decision to become exclusive and so far, Louis was really happy. Harry was really into the whole boyfriend thing. He stayed over a lot and cooked dinner for Louis on the weekends, already earning himself a gold star of approval from Caroline. He cuddled Louis on the couch and held his hand in front of Zayn and Liam, the latter of whom Louis always caught staring at the two of them with a fond smile. And he always wanted to know more about Louis, was always asking him random questions that varied from _Who’s the best kisser in Hollywood?_ to _When was the last time you got food poisoning?_ He was always eating a goddamn banana and he told the worst jokes and the most boring stories and Louis was hopelessly endeared. 

“Fax the agreement over and I’ll give it to him when I get to the gym,” Louis told Simon, who made a noise of agreement.

“So,” Louis said after a moment. “Who’s my competition?”

“Knew you weren’t as unaffected as you were acting,” Simon chuckled over the line. “Pretty much what we expected. Cooper, DeHaan, that new O’Brien kid, and Bale.”

“Well, fuck,” Louis collapsed back against the pillows. All had given performances just as good as, if not better, than his. “And that ‘new O’Brien kid’ is my age.” He reminded him.

“Yeah, well,” Simon argued. “You’re a kid.”

Louis rolled his eyes. “I’m going back to sleep now.”

“I thought you said you were going to the gym today.”

“Yeah, but I don’t have to be there until 8:30. It’s not even 7:00.”

“You need to get a job,” Simon said. “You’ve had nothing to do for too long.”

“I have been bettering my life, Simon,” Louis huffed. “And besides, the next few months are gonna be busy now anyway. You’re already setting up interviews and appearances. I can feel it.”

Simon chuckled. “Where’s my thank you?”

“Thank you,” Louis obliged. “Now that you mention it though, I am kind of itching to get back to work. You got anything for me?”

“Thought you’d never ask,” He sounded happier than Louis had heard him in almost a year. Louis realized that he probably missed this part of the job, probably missed getting to tease Louis over the phone and congratulate him, rather than running around with his head cut off trying to fix Louis’ mistakes. “Just got a new Coppola script that I think you’ll like.”

“Alright, yeah,” Louis said, settling back down into the sheets. “Send it over, then. I’ll read it later. I’m going back to sleep for real now.”

“Okay,” Simon replied. “Congratulations again, you tosser.”

Louis smiled into his pillow and hung up.

 

When he walked into the gym two hours later he was greeted with a round of applause from Harry’s staff. Harry, Barbara, Niall, and two other part-time trainers he couldn’t remember the names of surrounded the front desk, smiling brightly in their obnoxious neon shirts. Louis rolled his eyes fondly. Harry was grinning at him, his dimples insanely deep and his eyes shining.

“Yes, yes,” Louis took a bow. “I am amazing.”

Harry winked at him as if saying, ‘I already knew that’ and Louis blushed, feeling the familiar tightening in his chest he was beginning to associate with being around Harry.

Niall jumped over the desk and attacked Louis with a hug that consisted of lots of hard pats to the back before Barbara called him off to give Louis a hug herself.

“Congratulations!” She said, pulling back to smile at him.

“Thanks, darling,” He smiled back at her.

“Alright, alright,” Harry waved everyone off. “Let’s get back to work. Gotta get Louis in shape for the red carpet.”

He jerked his head, signaling for Louis to follow him, and Louis was only a bit surprised when Harry led him back to his office instead of to the workout room they usually inhabited. He stood to the side once they got to his office door and gestured for Louis to go inside. Harry followed closely behind, locking the door behind them. Yeah. Because that wasn’t suspicious or anything. With the way Harry was looking at him though, obviously extremely proud and happy, Louis found he didn’t care as much as he should. He knew Harry was being as careful as they could be, considering his office and the locker rooms were the only rooms in the entire building that didn’t have security cameras installed.

“Congrats,” Harry murmured, pulling Louis into a tight hug and kissing his hair.

“Thanks,” Louis whispered back. “Kinda didn’t expect it after all that’s happened. Don’t really know how I feel about it just yet.”

“Well I’m gonna be happy about it,” Harry told him, pulling back and rubbing his hands up and down Louis’ arms. “My boyfriend’s a big time Golden Globe nominee.”

Louis chuckled, linking his hands with Harry’s when Harry moved them down his arms again. “You know this isn’t the first one of these I’ve been nominated for, right?”

“It’s the first one you’ve been nominated for that gets a congratulatory kiss from your hot personal trainer boyfriend.” Harry retorted, wiggling his eyebrows and leaning in slowly to give him said kiss.

“Calling yourself hot,” Louis scoffed before Harry’s lips reached his. “Is that why your hair is so big, Harold? Trying to hide your ego?”

“Shut up,” Harry said, exasperated. He kissed Louis softly.

“Just letting you know now,” Louis started when they pulled apart. “My schedule is about to get a whole lot busier.”

Harry nodded gravely. “I figured.”

“Oh,” Louis said, reaching into his bag to pull out the paperwork Simon sent him that morning. “There’s a new ND agreement for you to sign now that we’re, like, together. You can read it over, send it to your lawyer or whatever. When you’re done you can give it to me or fax it back to Simon yourself.”

Harry took the paperwork from Louis and look down at it, his face contorted into something Louis didn’t quite understand.

“Do you not trust me?” he asked, his voice quiet and if Louis wasn’t mistaken, a little hurt.

Louis narrowed his eyebrows, confused. “What?”

“You’re making me sign another one of these, like you did before you even knew me,” Harry held the paper up. “But you know me now. Do you not trust me?”

Oh. Louis mentally kicked himself. Of course Harry would see this as a bad thing, an indicator that their relationship wasn’t exactly normal. “If I didn’t trust you we wouldn’t be in this place to begin with,” Louis huffed. “It’s just standard procedure, I promise. It was Simon’s idea anyway. We’re just… we’re being careful.”

“I’m not going to do you like he did.” Harry said, his green eyes boring into Louis’. “You know that, right?”

And well, to an extent Louis knew that. To an extent, he hoped. However, nothing was certain, and while for the most part, he trusted Harry, there was still a small voice inside of him, a reminder that he had once trusted Aiden too. He felt a bit helpless.

“You know that, right?” Harry urged when Louis took too long to respond.

“Can we not have this conversation here?” Louis pleaded. “I trust you, but this is bigger than you and me, and I’d really rather we discuss it later.”

Harry looked like he wanted to argue. He opened his mouth and took a breath, seemed to think better of it before closing it again and nodding. “Later,”

Louis breathed out a sigh of relief. “Later,” he promised, standing on his tip toes and pulling Harry down for a short kiss, his hand on the back of his neck.

“Okay” Harry allowed, “Come on, let’s go before Niall figures out that it’s you I’m sleeping with.”

“Wait, what?” Louis asked, stopping abruptly with his hand on the door knob.

“He’s on to us,” Harry told him, then shook his head quickly at the frightened look on Louis’ face. “No! On to me, not on to you. But he’s my best friend, Lou. He can tell when I’m getting regularly and properly shagged and when I’m happy. Same goes for Gemma. She’s noticed that I’m not sleeping at home every night. And like, I know we talked about not telling anyone, but they’re trustworthy I promise, and they’re getting kind of upset that I’m not telling them who you are.”

And, well, Harry had a point. Louis hadn’t considered that his two best friends would start to notice something was up. He was such an idiot sometimes; Liam and Zayn would definitely notice if the situation were reversed.

“I wanna tell _someone_ about you,” Harry continued. “I know that we didn’t talk about doing that and I understand if you don’t agree to it, but… I guess I just thought you should know? Like, that I want to tell them.”

Louis looked up at him, considering. He didn’t want to make Harry hide from his friends and family, and he didn’t want to break up with him either. The whole situation was so sticky.

“Just Niall and Gemma?” he clarified. “Just the two of them?”

“Just those two,” Harry nodded, fighting back a smile like he knew what Louis was thinking but didn’t want to get his hopes up.

“Okay,” Louis said. “Let me think about it. We can talk about all of this later.”

“Big talk later,” Harry agreed. “Then we can have makeup sex afterwards.”

Louis looked at him like he was crazy. “Are you planning on getting in a fight?”

“I’ll fight with you if it means we get to have makeup sex,” Harry informed him, reaching over Louis to open the door before he could come up with a retort.

Louis rolled his eyes at the back of Harry’s head but followed him back through the gym and to their room quietly. He looked around the main room for Niall, but he was spotting someone on weights, not paying Harry and Louis any attention.

“Hop on,” Harry said, pointing to the treadmill after he’d closed the door behind him. “If you can do two miles in under twenty minutes I’ll let you fuck my mouth later.”

Never let it be said that Louis Tomlinson couldn’t be motivated.

 

Harry came over to Louis’ later that evening, looking like he’d come straight from the gym as he hadn’t changed clothes. Caroline was still in the kitchen, pots and pans clanking together as she cleaned up after herself.

“Hey,” Louis smiled, standing on his tip toes to kiss Harry hello.

“Hey,” Harry smiled into the kiss, closing the door behind him.

“Caroline’s still here,” Louis informed Harry when he reached down to squeeze his ass.

Harry chuckled and pulled back. “Good, I need to talk to her about your diet.”

“What the fuck, why?!” Louis put his hands on his hips.

“You haven’t lost a single pound in a week.” Harry told him. “She’s not enforcing your diet like Liam was.”

“Liam wasn’t enforcing my diet,” Louis scoffed. “He just buys all of that clean shit himself and it was either eat that or drink protein shakes in his flat.”

No junk food for you!” Harry bopped Louis on the nose, ignoring his argument.

“Yeah, okay, Mr. Salt and Vinegar,” Louis rolled his eyes. Harry talked so much shit. Louis knew for a fact that he had a crisp addiction. He could taste it on him.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Harry dismissed Louis with a wave of his hand and made his way to the kitchen, presumably to plot with Caroline to ruin Louis’ life. Louis followed closely behind him.

“Hello, lovely!” Harry greeted Caroline with a kiss on the cheek.

“Hi, darling,” Caroline smiled back, absolutely delighted.

Louis took a seat at the bar and tuned them out when they started talking about grocery shopping, opting to stress over the talk he and Harry were supposed to have tonight instead. He hoped he could make Harry understand that he couldn’t bear to be hurt in that way again, couldn’t bear to fall back under again. Harry knew the bare minimum about Aiden, and although Louis didn’t like to talk about it, he supposed he might have to if it got Harry to understand where Louis was coming from.

Harry asked Louis if he was hungry after Caroline left, but Louis found that he didn’t have much of an appetite.

“Can we talk first?” He asked

“Yeah,” Harry nodded, grabbing Louis’ hand and leading him over to sit at a couch in the living room. “Let’s go ahead and get it out of the way, yeah?”

Louis took a deep breath and let it out slowly, looked up into Harry’s eyes. “Okay, the ND has nothing to do with you, Harry. I- I’m sure you’re very trustworthy and I do trust you, but like, I’m kind of fucked up.”

“You’re not fucked up,” Harry defended him.

Louis laughed, oddly touched. “No, I kind of am.”

He took another deep shaky breath and Harry touched his shoulder, realizing how hard this was going to be for him.

“You don’t have to tell me about your past, Lou. Not if you don’t want to.” He said gently. “I’ll sign the agreement either way. But if you do want to tell me, you can. I would never judge you, because the past made you who you are today, and you’re perfect.”

“That’s the thing, Haz,” Louis shrugged Harry’s hand off. “I’m not perfect. I don’t know who you think I am, but that’s not me.”

“Lou-” Harry shook his head but Louis held up a hand, needing to finish his thoughts before Harry interrupted.

“I’m not perfect,” Louis repeated. “I was so scared of myself and of others finding out about me for so long that I put up this wall and pushed people away. And when I finally built up the courage to figure myself out, I started to do the complete opposite. I craved that attention I didn’t allow myself to receive before. I trusted too easily and fell too hard and that got me in trouble.”

He paused to gather his thoughts and Harry remained silent, seemingly realizing Louis needed to get through this before he said anything.

“When things with Aiden didn’t turn out the way I thought they would, the way I always imaged,” Louis continued. “I turned to that self-hate again. I turned to drugs and alcohol and I pushed my friends and family away. I was deeply hurt and I let myself believe that all of the progress I made was for nothing. I put the wall back up. And now that I’ve gotten help, let the wall back down, I’m falling hard again. I’m falling hard for you.”

Harry looked like he might cry, so Louis avoided eye contact with him. “And that fucking scares me, Harry. I- I can’t be hurt like that again. I can’t go back to that place. The nondisclosure isn’t so much because I don’t trust _you_ with _me_. It’s because I don’t trust _myself_ with _you_.”

Louis looked back up at Harry to find him looking down at his hands so he tilted his chin up with a finger.

“Can you be okay with that?” Louis asked, holding his breath in anticipation now that he’d laid himself out bare.

Harry nodded. “Yeah, I- fuck Lou, of course.”

Louis smiled and leaned in, kissing Harry on the corner of his mouth.

“Now,” Louis continued, moving back to rest his back against the arm of the couch. “I thought about what you said earlier, talked to Simon this afternoon, and I don’t think it’s fair to make you keep our relationship hidden from Niall and your family. They’re gonna have to sign some stuff too, but you can tell Niall and Gemma and your parents.”

Harry smiled brightly, his dimples poking deep holes into his cheeks. “Really?”

Louis giggled. “Yeah, really.”

Harry laughed in his excitement and tackled Louis, caging him with his body as he kissed him.

 

**Liam:**

When you’re a Television host and presenter, having one best friend in the film industry and another best friend in the music industry definitely makes life more interesting and your job more fun. Liam could vouch for that. He hadn’t been looking forward to this work trip to the states to present at the Grammy nominations program, until he learned that Zayn was asked to be there as well. And he was especially thankful that Zayn was in The States when he learned late at night that there was some kind of mix up at the hotel, and that the front desk had double booked his room.

“We’ll fix this as soon as possible, Mr. Payne.” The desk clerk said, furiously typing away on her computer, looking like she might cry.

“No worries, love,” Liam smiled at her, turning to glare daggers at his assistant instead, even though it really wasn’t her fault. It was just late and he’d had a long day of work and he really wanted to throw something.

“You can just stay with me,” Zayn said from behind him, looking bored. “They gave me a double.” And, well. Liam would punch himself repeatedly in the face before turning down that offer.

“You’re sure?” Liam and the desk clerk asked at the same time.

“Not like I’m not used to having your fat arse around anyway.” Zayn shrugged, not in the least bit bothered.

“I don’t have a fat arse!” Liam said indignantly.

“Right,” Zayn drawled. “Must be confusing you with Lou.”

Liam rolled his eyes but turned back to the desk clerk. “I’ll room with him if that’s okay.”

She nodded so quickly Liam worried she might snap her neck. She fixed all of the necessary information on her computer screen and gave them both keys to their room.

"Thanks, darling," Liam said, taking the key from her before turning to follow Zayn to the elevator, leaving their assistants at the front desk to get keys to their own rooms.

Their room was at the end of the hall on one of the top floors and Zayn swiped his key, letting them in. Zayn took the bed closest to the window while Liam took the one by the door.

"So," Liam said, after they'd both put their suitcases down. "Congratu-fucking-lations, man!"

Zayn ducked his head. "I can't believe it," he murmured, awed. "I'm still shocked. Kind of too good to be true, ya know?"

And well, getting nominated for three Grammys on your second album was kind of a big deal. Liam could see why Zayn thought it too good to be true. They should have expected it though, seeing as the reason Zayn was in The States was because he’d been asked to perform at the nominations party that took place earlier that night. That didn’t happen to just anyone. Liam was happy for him, and glad they’d gotten to work together for a bit, even though Liam was flying back home the next day while Zayn would be staying behind. He had a performance on the Tonight Show, a gig his agent arranged mere minutes after the nominees were announced. Liam could tell Zayn was annoyed at the last minute plans -he didn’t like to be thrown into things- but he could also tell that Zayn was pretty ecstatic as well. And his phone was ringing off the hook. So far, Liam had only seen him respond to his mum.

“I’m hopping in the shower,” Zayn announced, pulling his toiletries kit out of his suitcase.

Liam nodded in response, collapsing onto his bed once Zayn shut the door to the bathroom. He laid there for several minutes, looking up at the ceiling and listening to the running water in the bathroom. It wasn’t until he heard the water shut off that he decided to get into bed properly, stripping down to his briefs and sliding under the covers. He reached over to pull his iPad out of his bag and sat up against the headboard, scrolling through his emails and twitter.

Liam looked up when Zayn walked out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his hips and his torso still glistening with water, and cursed inwardly. When Zayn asked if he’d just rather share a room, this was not really something that Liam had considered. He watched on as Zayn rifled through his bag for a pair of briefs and his pajama bottoms and quickly pretended to turn his attention back to his game of flappy bird when Zayn dropped his towel. It wasn’t like it was something Liam hadn’t seen before, but he still figured it was better manners to pretend not to be interested. Still though, he couldn’t help himself from maybe taking a peek, or two, or twelve.

Zayn toweled his hair dry before throwing the towel onto a nearby chair and finally turning his attention to Liam.

“Gonna go out for a smoke,” Zayn said, grabbing his pack of cigarettes from the bedside table and pointing to the balcony. “Want one?”

Liam nodded. “Yeah,”

“In fact,” Zayn cocked his head. “You don’t have any plans before your flight back tomorrow afternoon do you?”

Liam shook his head, wondering where Zayn was going with this.

Zayn grinned. “When was the last time we got absolutely fucked?”

Liam knew the answer. It had been before Louis went to rehab. They’d been too worried that they’d trigger him if they drank around him since then.

“Let’s do it,”

He threw back the comforter and walked over to his suitcase to pull out a pair of sweats and a jacket while Zayn called room service to have them send up some wine, adding that they should send up something stronger if they could.  
Liam heard slide the screen door open and looked over.

“You might need a sweater,” he told Zayn. “Is it cold?”

Zayn chuckled. “Okay, mum,”

Liam mentally kicked himself. The last thing he needed was Zayn associating him with his mum.

“It’s not that cold,” Zayn told him, poking his hand out into the cool air. “We’re in LA, not London. I’ll be fine.”

Liam shrugged before straightening up and slipping the sweatpants on. They were loose and hung pretty low on his hips but he figured it was late enough that there wouldn’t be too many fans or paps still outside.

A few minutes later there was a knock on the door and Liam walked over to answer it. There was a pretty blonde in uniform on the other side, holding a bottle of red wine.

“Hello!” she said brightly. “You ordered this?”

“Thanks,” Liam smiled at her, taking the bottle.

“I also snuck a few of these from the bar,” she said, handing over some mini liquor bottles with a wink. “But you should also have some in your fridge.”

“Thanks,” Liam said again.

“Let us know if you need anything else!” she smiled. “I’m a big fan by the way. _Little White Lies_ was my favorite show growing up. I had the biggest crush on you and Louis Tomlinson. Posters on my walls and everything”

Liam laughed politely. It wasn’t the first time he’d heard that. Sometimes he was nice and flirted back, but he wasn’t about to do that with the man of his dreams in the room behind him.

“Well, thanks again!” he said. “We’ll call if we need anything else.”

“No problem,” the girl said and Liam nodded as he closed the door. He turned around to find that Zayn was waiting for him on the balcony.

There wasn’t any furniture out on the balcony so Liam grabbed a chair from the small table in the corner and took it outside with him, knowing Zayn could smoke an entire pack in one go if he had company and felt like it.

“Room service brought us wine and a few mini bottles,” he said as he put the chair down a couple of feet away from Zayn, who was leaning with his arms against the balcony railing. Liam watched as he lit his first cigarette and took a long, deep drag before blowing the smoke out slowly. He picked the pack off of the railing and Zayn tossed him his lighter. Liam tossed him a bottle of vodka in return.

“So,” Zayn said after Liam had taken his first drag. “What do you think of Harry?”

Liam chuckled. “Haven’t we already had this conversation?” They had, the same day Liam called him after The Blow Job Incident. Had talked about whether or not they could trust Harry, whether or not he would just bring Louis back down from his little bit of progress.

“You know what I mean,” Zayn said, looking down at the ground below. There was a small group of teenage girls gathered by a nearby tree but they weren’t being obnoxious. They were so far down that Liam could barely hear them as they giggled and chattered in excitement.

“What do I think of Harry with Louis?” Liam elaborated, flicking the ash off of his cigarette.

Zayn nodded. He twisted the lid off of the bottle of vodka and downed half of it in one go.

“I think he’s good for him,” Liam started, looking down at the ground in thought. “I think he’s head over heels for Lou. I think Lou is just as head over heels for him. I think Harry overwhelms him a bit, but that’s probably exactly was Louis needs after everything. Harry’s got him laughing again, he’s getting him back into shape, at this point I think that’s more than we could have ever asked for a few of months ago.”

Zayn hummed in agreement. “I worry about him.”

Liam sighed. “Me too, but we’ve done all we can, right? And Harry’s already better to him than the last bastard ever was”

Zayn took another drag. “I suppose.”

The night continued on like that. They drank all of the mini bottles, including the ones in the fridge, and half the bottle of wine while they talked about nonsense and made their way through the cigarettes. The sky was starting to get light again by the time they finished, both pretty drunk but not as hammered as they were known to get.

“Ready to go in?” Liam slurred, pointing to the sky as Zayn stubbed out a cigarette. He couldn’t stand being on the balcony anymore, looking at Zayn as his stupid hair shined in the moonlight and his stupid cheeks hollowed as he sucked on a cigarette, and his stupid- his stupid everything. Fuck him, honestly. And that was the whole point wasn’t it. He just wanted to fuck him. And kiss him. And cuddle him. And never let him go.  
Jesus Christ, drinking had been a bad idea. If he was a mess around Zayn sober, he was a complete catastrophe around him drunk, especially since it was just the two of them. There wasn’t anyone else for Liam to direct his attention to. 

Liam stood up and walked back inside before he did anything rash, not bothering to clean up the mess. They could do that when they woke up. He walked over to his bed and threw himself down, laying across it diagonally on his stomach. He closed his eyes and he could hear Zayn coming in too, sliding the balcony door shut behind him, but his eyes flew open when Zayn joined him, flopping down on the bed as well, his head right next to Liam’s.

“I’m glad you took the room with me,” he said and Liam’s heart stuttered in his chest.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Zayn nodded. His breath smelt like smoke and alcohol “I- to be honest, I feel like you’ve been avoiding me a bit lately. Like, ever since Sophia came back.”

Liam swallowed, looking into Zayn’s eyes briefly, before flipping over onto his back and staring at the ceiling.

“I was kind of avoiding you.” Liam admitted. He counted fourteen seconds before Zayn responded.

“Why?”

Liam squeezed his eyes shut. “You know why, Zayn.”

Zayn didn’t have a response for that. They sat in silence for so long that Liam thought he might actually go crazy. He couldn’t breathe. The silence was suffocating.

“And I broke things off with Sophia,” he said, because someone had to say something and Zayn obviously wasn’t going to. “Not that they really started again, but yeah. Told her that it wasn’t gonna happen again at that party.”

“Why?” Zayn asked again. He was still so close; Liam could feel the warmth of his body.

Liam sighed in defeat, his eyes still closed, but he was slightly more relaxed now, because fuck it. “You know the answer to that one, too.”

Hell, why not admit everything while he was at it. There wasn’t anything to lose at this point. He could feel Zayn squirming around on the bed; Liam clearly having made him uncomfortable.

Liam was about to apologize for making things awkward when he felt lips on his own. His eyes flew open in shock and he was so stunned that he couldn’t even kiss Zayn back, which caused Zayn to pull back and start apologizing profusely.

“Shit,” he said. “I’m so- fuck. I must have misunderstood. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have. I thought-”

Liam shut him up by grabbing him by the back of the head and yanking him forward, swallowing his words as he kissed him. Zayn made a needy noise in the back of his throat and kissed Liam back, bringing his leg over to straddle him. Liam could have sworn he felt the Earth tilt on it’s axis.

“You asshole,” Zayn gasped when they surfaced for air. “I’ve been waiting for you for so long.”

“I’m the asshole?” Liam scoffed, taking a deep breath so he could go off.

Zayn shook his head, stopping him before he could get started. “Please,” he whispered and he tilted his head up to kiss under Liam’s ear. “I know” he kissed his jaw, “I’m sorry,” and his neck, “Just... please”.

He moved back to look at Liam pleadingly, his wide eyes roaming all over his face, and Liam knew he was asking for his forgiveness.

“Okay,” Liam nodded, slightly breathless. He rolled them over, switching their positions so that he was on top. “Okay,”

Zayn leaned up but he was extremely hesitant, so Liam closed the gap. Zayn sighed into his mouth and Liam could feel the tension leaving the body underneath him. He rolled his hips down and his breath stuttered at the feeling of Zayn’s hard on. He looked down at Zayn and his eyes were closed, his eyelashes fluttering against his cheek bones. His mouth was parted and his lips were swollen from kissing and he looked so goddamn beautiful. Liam had been waiting for this moment for what felt like forever, but now that it was here he’d never been so nervous in his entire life.

Zayn opened his eyes and looked at Liam. He seemed to sense his nervousness and he propped himself up on his elbows and captured Liam’s mouth again. He rocked his hips up and Liam met his thrusts. Eventually, Zayn’s arms gave out and he laid back down. Liam reached in between them to run his fingers underneath the waistband of Zayn’s pajama bottoms. Zayn lifted his hips and Liam took that as permission to pull the bottoms down, his lips never leaving Zayn’s. When he started to tug at his underwear as well, Zayn pulled away.

“I, um,” He said, looking everywhere but in Liam’s eyes. “I’ve never like, done this, you know… with a guy.”

Liam just looked at him, a little shocked. Not that he thought Zayn went around shagging everyone who blinked in his direction, but he could if he wanted to. It was surprising that he hadn’t tried it with a guy yet, especially considering the first thing Liam had done when he was discovering his sexuality was jump into bed with Louis.

“You haven’t?” Liam asked, trying not to sound as surprised as he felt, but he obviously didn’t do a very good job because Zayn shook his head like it was paining him.

“Haven’t been with anyone since Pezza actually.” Zayn shrugged. “So yeah, no guys.” And well, fuck. That meant he hadn’t been with anyone in ages.

“Why?” Liam asked. “Haven’t you been curious?”

“I don’t know,” Zayn still wasn’t looking at him. “Never got around to it. Want to though. Just. Was… was waiting for you I guess.”

Liam swallowed. Holy shit. “Okay. That’s… okay.”

“Okay,” Zayn said.

“Okay,” Liam repeated and Zayn rolled his eyes in exasperation.

“Shut up,”

Liam huffed out a laugh, glad to see a bit of the exasperated Zayn he saw on a normal basis. The seriousness and intimacy of the situation was just making everything more overwhelming. He needed some sense of normalcy. 

“I, um,” Liam ran his hands up and down Zayn’s sides. “I haven’t got any lube, so like, we should probably hold off on that anyway.”

Liam pretended not to notice Zayn’s sigh of relief.

“I’ll just, like, I’ll take care of you, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Zayn breathed, nodding. “I wanna like, return the favor though.”

Liam smiled and started kissing his way down Zayn’s stomach. “Of course.”

He tugged Zayn’s underwear down the rest of the way and Zayn kicked them off. Liam took his erection in his hand and noticed the muscles in Zayn’s stomach clench in anticipation. He ghosted his mouth over the head of Zayn’s cock, trailed down the shaft, teasing him a bit. He kissed back up and licked the tip before taking him completely into his mouth. He sucked him slowly, waiting until Zayn let out a loud moan to start bobbing his head up and down in earnest. 

Liam looked up and met Zayn’s eyes with his own.

“Fuck,” Zayn murmured, his head falling back and his hands fisting in the sheets. 

Liam hummed in agreement, swallowing him down. Zayn’s hips started moving in abortive thrusts, like he wanted to let go and fuck Liam’s mouth but he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to. Liam sucked hard, bringing a hand up to play with Zayn’s balls and Zayn’s breath started stuttering.

“Li,” He panted. “Li, I’m gonna come.”

Liam pulled off for a second. “Okay,” he said, his voice hoarse, before going back down. He put his hands underneath Zayn’s hips, moving them forward, giving Zayn permission to use him until he came. Four eager thrusts later, Zayn was coming down Liam’s throat with a shout, his back arching off the bed.

Liam swallowed everything down and pulled off, noticing for the first time that he was dripping precome himself and that he’d been thrusting his hips into the sheets.

“I wanna do you,” Zayn said with a smile, still slightly breathless as he gestured to the tent in Liam’s pants. 

“Yeah,” Liam moved up, closer to Zayn on the bed. “Okay.”

Zayn crawled over, positioning himself in front of Liam’s cock. He pulled Liam’s pants down slowly with shaky fingers. Liam was already so keyed up that he knew it wouldn’t take long, which was probably a good thing for Zayn’s first time. Zayn ran his hands down Liam’s thighs before reaching up to grab a hold of his dick. He squeezed experimentally and Liam groaned. That seemed to be all of the encouragement Zayn needed to keep going. He sucked at the tip while he jacked Liam with his hand. He seemed hesitant to take Liam all the way down, sticking to sucking at the tip and lickin down the length.

“You can just jack me off if you’d rather,” Liam felt like he needed to reassure him. “It’ll be just as good.”

Zayn just raised his eyebrows at him before taking Liam all the way into his mouth, sliding down slowly. Liam moaned and Zayn built up speed. He was wet and sloppy and enthusiastic about it and his cheekbones were even more prominent with his cheeks hollowed out from sucking and shit, Liam was going to die. Death by blow job. Not a bad way to go honestly. 

“Zayn,” Liam whispered his name like a prayer. “Shit,”

Zayn moaned around him and Liam shuddered. He wasn’t going to make it, he wasn’t-

“Fuck,” He shouted and then he was coming down Zayn’s throat. Zayn was clearly surprised but he swallowed what he could, wiping the rest off with the corner of the comforter. 

“Sorry,” Liam said once he calmed down a bit. “I should have warned you.”

“No,” Zayn shook his head at him. “It was perfect.”

He moved up to give Liam a small peck on the lips. “You’re perfect.”

He looked so soft like this, with his hair fluffed up and his lips swollen. Liam decided right then that this was his favorite Zayn, the Zayn with the soft eyes and the messy hair and the blotchy cheeks. He saw Zayn yawn and echoed it.

“We should sleep, yeah?” Zayn chuckled.

“Yeah,” Liam rolled over to turn off the lamp and Zayn put his arm around his waist. Liam snuggled in and just like that, everything clicked into place. For some reason, instead of comforting Liam, instead of making him happy because he’d been waiting for this for so long, it scared the fucking shit out of him.

 

**Louis:**

 

They decided to tell Niall first, on the weekend when Gemma would be back home in Holmes Chapel for her best friend’s birthday party. According to Harry, Niall was fucking ecstatic when Harry asked him to come over with the intention of introducing him to his ‘secret boyfriend’ as Niall called him. 

Louis was laying on Harry’s bed, texting another congratulations for the nominations and a good luck on his performance later to Zayn, who would probably be waking up anytime now when Harry’s doorbell rang.  
Louis heard Harry let Niall in, Niall already shouting.

“Is he here?!” He was asking, his accent thick in his excitement. “I’m so ready to meet whoever got you the fuck over Tomlinson.”

Louis’ stomach did a somersault and he made his way to the kitchen, where Harry took Niall. To an extent, Louis knew Harry had a crush on him before they started dating, Harry told him Louis was his celebrity crush as a teeanger and that he’d seen all of his movies multiple times, but it was still a nice feeling to hear others talk about it.

“Not that I don’t love Louis,” Niall went on. “But it was getting old. Sorry, mate.”

Louis walked in and met Harry’s amused smile over the top of Niall’s head.

“Hey, Niall,” Louis said, and Niall spun around and the amused look on his face turned to one of horror.

“Oh, my God,” he turned to Harry, his hands raised in apology. “I’m so sorry, fuck, I didn’t know he was here. Shit, bro, I’m-”

“Niall, shut up,” Louis cut him off. “It’s me.”

“Yeah, I know, just like ignore what I was saying? Harry doesn’t talk about you like, ever. Inside joke?” He was laughing uncomfortably and Louis was so amused that he kind of didn’t want to take pity on him. Luckily, that’s why they had Harry.

“No, Niall,” Harry said slowly. “He means that it’s him. Like, it’s him.”

Niall scrunched his face up in confusion, looking back and forth between Harry and Louis. It was clear the exact moment he finally made the connection and his jaw dropped almost comically before he fixed his gaze on Harry.

“LOUIS TOMLINSON IS YOUR SECRET BOYFRIEND?!” He screeched and Louis winced.

“Jesus, say it a bit louder would you?” Louis scolded. “I’m sure someone in The States didn’t quite hear you.”

“Louis _fucking_ Tomlinson is your secret boyfriend, are you _kidding_ me?!” Niall asked, his voice only dropping about half an octave.

“Um, no?” Harry seemed uncomfortable now, like this wasn’t the kind of reaction he was expecting at all.

Niall started laughing. He was laughing so hard that he was bent over, clutching his stomach while tears started streaming out of his eyes. Well, clearly Niall was an insane person. Like, Louis already kind of suspected, but it was different having the confirmation.

Louis looked over at Harry, trying to communicate telepathically that he really thought Harry should stop hanging out with Niall, as he was a nut job. Harry just shook his head slightly, his eyes wide.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Niall gasped when he looked up to see their startled expressions. “This is just so bloody amazing. I’m so happy for you guys.”

Harry’s body relaxed and it wasn’t until then that Louis noticed just how tense he had been, probably nervous. Niall jumped over to Harry and gave him a hug, then moved on to give Louis one as well.

“Didn’t know you were gay, Tommo!” He announced when he pulled back. “Legend!”

“You can’t tell anyone,” Harry told Niall. “Not even Barbara.”

“Oh, Babs knows.” Niall told them.

“What?” Harry and Louis asked simultaneously.

“Yeah,” Niall shrugged, clearly not bothered. “She told me it was gonna be Louis before I left but I told her she was off her rocker. She’s gonna gloat for days, hope you know!”

Louis took a deep breath, prepared to do some damage control, but his phone went off in his hand. He looked down to see a text message from Zayn.

**Um .. something happened**

This didn’t seem like the proper response to a congratulatory text. Louis fired a quick text back.

**????**

“Something wrong?” Harry asked, noticing Louis’ confusion. Niall looked at him then too.

“I don’t know,” Louis told him. “Just got a weird text from Zayn.”

His phone buzzed again and he quickly looked back down.

**Liam and I slept together.**

Louis gasped. It was about fucking time.

“What?” Harry asked, startled.

“Liam and Zayn-” Louis was cut off as his phone went off again.

**But when I woke up this morning he was already gone. I know he had a flight but… I’m confused?**

“I, um,” Louis shook his head, trying to clear it of the hundreds of questions running through his mind. “I think I need to call Zayn.”

Harry nodded, wide-eyed. “Yeah, sure, of course. Is everything okay?”

“I don’t know,” Louis admitted as he dialed Zayn’s number and held the phone up to his ear.

“Want us to give you some space?” Harry asked.

“Yeah, I’m just gonna-” Louis nodded his head towards Harry’s bedroom and Harry and Niall nodded back, concern lacing their features.

“Hey,” Zayn said as a greeting. He sounded exhausted.

“What happened?” Louis asked him, chewing at the nail on his thumb nervously. He closed the door to Harry’s bedroom and sat down on his bed.

“We got drunk last night,” Zayn started, taking a deep breath, and Louis knew not to interrupt him. It was hard enough getting Zayn to talk in complete sentences in the first place. “And I don’t know, we were lying on the bed talking, and one thing lead to another, and it just happened. It- it was amazing, Louis. He’s amazing. He was patient and tender and I… I was so happy.”

He paused and Louis stayed silent.

“But I woke up a little while ago and he’s gone.” Zayn continued. “I know he had a flight but, you… you don’t just _leave_ after a night like that. He could’ve, I don’t know, he should’ve woken me up or left a note or something.”

Louis agreed. Liam had been waiting for this for so long. What the hell was he doing?

“It’s just,” Zayn sounded absolutely distraught, his voice slightly whiny. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if he’s mad at me or if I ruined something? I don’t want to let him down again. I’ve let him down so many times. Maybe I should cancel the performance today and get a flight back instead. Is that stupid? Should I give him space? What if he doesn’t even want to see me anymore?”

“Zayn,” Louis interrupted, before Zayn drove himself crazy.

“What do I do, Lou?” Zayn pleaded. Louis was going to punch Liam in the balls. He had never heard Zayn like this. Zayn always kept up a brave front. Something was seriously fucked up.

“First of all,” Louis said, running a hand through his hair. “You just got nominated for three Grammys. You aren’t cancelling that performance. Second, Liam’s probably just as confused as you right now. You’re jumping to conclusions.”

“Can you… would you talk to him?” Zayn asked.

Louis ran a hand over his face. “Yeah, I’ll talk to him. Don’t worry about him right now. Focus on your performance today and we’ll talk about this more tomorrow, yeah?”

“Okay,” Zayn didn’t sound all that convinced but Louis figured it was as good as they were going to get. “Okay, thanks mate.”

“No problem” Louis tried to sound encouraging. “I love you, man.”

“Yeah, bro,” Zayn sighed. “Love you too.”

He hung up and Louis collapsed back onto the bed. He stared up at the ceiling, wondering what the fuck he was supposed to do with his idiot friends now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for your comments and kudos!!!
> 
> [tumblr](http://www.littlelouishiccups.tumblr.com) :)


	4. December II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> check notes at the bottom for trigger warnings!

Louis had never met someone who loved Christmas as much as Harry Styles. It was a bit ridiculous. He hummed Christmas carols 24/7, decorated the gym with Christmas trees and fairy lights and had the windows painted. It was all a bit tacky really and Louis was dragged into all of the festivities by Harry’s stupid giant puppy dog eyes. Currently, he was laying on Harry’s couch while Harry sat on the floor cutting out paper snowflakes, _Love, Actually_ (‘the greatest film of all time Louis, honestly!’) playing on the TV. Harry was saying the lines along with the characters, turning his full attention to the television whenever Hugh Grant was on, while Louis stressed over Zayn and Liam.

It had been three days since Louis talked to a very distressed Zayn on the phone, and nothing new was transpiring. Zayn was held back in America, his management scheduling more performances and interviews, and it was like Liam had fallen off the face of the Earth. His phone was turned off and while he’d definitely been back to his flat, he was never there when Louis stopped by to see him. Louis honestly didn’t know what could possibly be going on with him.

Louis wanted a drink more than he’d wanted anything in a very long time. He’d successfully gone for months without wanting or feeling like he _needed_ a drink. Despite what he’d been told in rehab about how hard it is to stop yourself once you’re back in the real world, he didn’t want to relapse. So far, his need and want to make himself better had been stronger than his need to drink. But over the past few days the need to drink had settled in again like a burning itch beneath his skin, a constant little voice inside his head. The want was thick and ever-present and suffocating. 

Harry was his only distraction, and he didn’t even know he was being a distraction, because Louis had yet to tell him about his worries of relapse. Harry always talked about how proud he was of Louis and Louis didn’t have the heart to tell him he wasn’t as strong as he let on sometimes.

“Maybe he went back home,” Harry suggested when Louis voiced his concerns about Liam and Zayn, holding up a snowflake for inspection.

Louis sat up suddenly and smacked Harry on the shoulder. “Why didn’t you say that sooner?”

“Okay, ow!” Harry said indignantly, rubbing at his shoulder. “ I don’t know, I just thought of it!”

Louis grabbed his phone from the coffee table to call Liam’s sister. She picked up on the fourth ring.

“Hi Louis!” She answered brightly, obviously surprised to hear from him.

“Hey Roo,” Louis said. “You alright?”

“I’m well, thanks!” she replied. “And yourself?”

“Good, good,” Louis nodded to himself. “Listen, Liam’s not in Wolverhampton by any chance, is he?”

“He is actually!” She said. “It was such a nice surprise! Especially with it being so close to the Holidays and because he was supposed to come down next week anyway. He forgot to tell you?”

“No,” Louis groaned. “He didn’t tell me, the prat.”

Harry reached up and squeezed Louis’ knee comfortingly. Louis grabbed his hand and linked their fingers.

“Uh oh,” Roo spoke cautiously. “What’s he done? Do you want me to go get him? He’s in the garden with mum and dad.”

“No,” Louis sighed. “Just tell him I called, yeah? Do you know when he’s coming back?”

“I think he’s staying until after Christmas.” Roo told him. “Said something about going into London for a meeting on Friday but then coming back afterwards.”

And wasn’t that just fantastic. He was running away, the coward.

“Okay, thanks Roo.”

"No problem,” she said, then hesitated. “… Is he in trouble?”

Louis laughed harshly. “He’s a dumbass.”

“Dumbass,” she agreed with Louis out of solidarity. Louis really loved Roo. She’d been like another sister growing up, always on set with Liam and Karen. “I don’t know why he’s a dumbass but I’m sure you have a good reason. Any chance you’ll tell me what it is? So I can punish him accordingly of course.”

“Why don’t you ask him what’s going on with Zayn?” Louis suggested.

“Shit,” Roo breathed. “Something happened with Zayn?”

“Yeah,” Louis confirmed. “Something happened with Zayn.”

 

Two days later it was a Monday afternoon and Louis still wanted a drink. It wasn’t even about Zayn and Liam anymore, he wasn’t sure if it ever was to be honest. He didn’t know where it had spurred from, all he knew was that the want was planted and now it wouldn’t go away and he felt like he was going to implode in on himself with it. He’d distracted himself by harassing Caroline for the better part of the day, but she left early for a doctor’s appointment.

But now she was gone and he was staring at his empty liquor cabinet. Twice he’d actually gotten up and grabbed his keys to take a trip to the store before sitting back down. He bit at his nails and ran his hands roughly over his face before making the decision to suck it up and call Harry. He stood up and pulled his phone out of his pocket, starting to pace as he waited for him to answer. He wondered briefly after a few rings if Harry was teaching a class but eventually he picked up.

“Hiiiiii,” he greeted, as if Louis calling him during the work day was a thing that normally happened, when in fact it wasn’t. “You alright?” 

“I- I‘m not sure,” Louis admitted, hating himself for having to call someone. Harry was going to be so disappointed in him.

“What’s up?” Harry asked, voice taking a more serious tone.

“Are you busy at work this afternoon?” Louis asked, biting as his nails again.

“Not necessarily,” Harry said hesitantly. “Why? What’s wrong?”

“Could you just- I don’t know, can you come over when you’re free?”

“Well, obviously. But are you going to tell me what’s going on or not?” Harry asked, his voice taking an impatient tone.

Louis swallowed. “I… I really really want a drink, Haz.”

It took Harry a moment to realize what Louis was implying. And then his words started rushing out.

“Oh, my God Lou. Shit, yeah I’ve got to finish up a few things here but I can be over in an hour or so,” he said. “Are you gonna be okay? I’ll be there as soon as possible I promise. I’m sorry I-”

“I’ll be okay.” Louis interrupted him. “I can keep myself busy for an hour.” Hopefully.

“Do something to take your mind off it,” Harry suggested. “Go for a run.”

Louis rolled his eyes. Of course Harry would recommend exercise. Exercise was his answer for everything. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

They hung up and Louis turned back to look at the liquor cabinet before shaking his head at himself and deciding that maybe Harry’s suggestion wasn’t far off. He wasn’t about to go for a run, but he did have a football pitch in his backyard that he hadn’t used in way too long. 

That’s where he was when Harry showed up just under an hour later. He heard the back door slide open and turned around to see Harry walk out in a wind suit, his hair pulled halfway up into a ponytail.

“Hey,” he said as he kicked the ball at the goal.

Harry jogged over to the goal and tried and failed to kick the ball back to Louis.

He shook his head at himself. “With my knowledge and understanding of the football game, I feel like I should be a lot better at football.”

Louis chuckled and shrugged. They didn’t say anything about why Harry was there, just played around for the better half of an hour, until Louis’ hair was sweaty and sticking to his head and they were both breathing heavily. Louis caught the ball in his hands the next time Harry kicked it and then walked over to him. He gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and thanked him for coming.

“I’m glad you called me,” Harry told him, resting a hand on Louis’ shoulder. “Is this a thing that happens a lot?”

Louis shook his head. “Normally I can push the desire away. I don’t want to relapse. But I don’t know, it’s been really bad the past few days.”

“Well… _Did_ you drink?” Harry asked cautiously.

“No,” Louis said honestly. “But I really wanted to. Even got in the car to go to the store a few times.”

Something that looked like relief washed over Harry’s features.

“I’m sorry,” Louis said, feeling weak.

“Baby, no,” Harry shook his head and pulled Louis into a tight hug. “Nothing to be sorry for. You needed help and you called me and I’m so glad you did. You can call me any time this happens, okay? You said you’ve been battling this on your own for days? You’re so strong. I’m so proud of you. But don’t ever feel like you have to go through this by yourself again, that I won’t want to help.”

“You don’t think less of me for wanting to drink?” Louis mumbled, his face buried in Harry’s neck.

Harry ran his hands up and down Louis’ back soothingly. “No Lou, not at all. It says a lot that you asked for help, baby.”

Louis sighed, placing a small kiss to Harry’s neck.

“Let’s go take a bath and then have a nap,” Harry said, pulling back. “How does that sound?”

Louis nodded and Harry took his hand, leading him back into the house.

He sat on the bathroom counter while Harry started the water, holding his hand underneath the stream until he was satisfied with the temperature.

“Do you have any salts or bubble bath?” Harry asked, turning to look at him.

Louis nodded at the small cabinet over the base of the tub. “I think so.”

Harry opened the cabinet and picked out a bath bomb. He unwrapped it and dropped it into the tub. Both of them watching as it fizzed and pink and red suds and crushed rose petals painted designs into water. Louis remembered now that he’d picked the bath bomb up at a Lush store in The States with the intent of using it with Aiden. He pushed those potentially dangerous thoughts to the side in favor of watching Harry get undressed, who folded his clothes and set them on the counter before moving to undress Louis as well.

They sunk down into the water together, facing each other. Harry grabbed one of Louis’ legs and started working at the tense muscles. Louis groaned and dropped his head back and closed his eyes.

“Didn’t know you were a proper masseuse” he noted.

Harry chuckled. “Learned how in school. Took a few classes in sports medicine and physical therapy.”

Louis hummed appreciatively. Harry massaged his other leg before Louis sat up straighter and moved into his space, straddling his thighs, the water threatening to splash over the edge. It wasn’t sexual, he just wanted to cuddle, so he rested his head on Harry’s chest and Harry ran his hands through Louis’ hair, massaging his scalp as well.

“What’s this for?” Louis asked, running his fingers over the ship tattoo on Harry’s arm.

Harry looked down. “It reminds me of home,” He told him. “I got it when I was doing the show in America. I guess it’s just a reminder that no matter where I am, I can always find my way back home.”

Louis nodded. “I have a tattoo for that too.”

He held up his arm, pointing to his compass tattoo.

“They match!” Harry said, gesturing between the two tattoos. “We match. We could get more that match one day. Stick with the nautical theme, yeah? I’ve always wanted an anchor.”

“You sap,” Louis said fondly. He settled his hands on Harry’s hip, running his thumb over the tattoo that caught his attention the first night they slept together, the one that said “might as well”. 

“And this one?”

Harry laughed. “No good story behind that one, I’m afraid. Drunken dare.”

“Unfortunately, I have one of those too,” Louis said with a chuckle, pointing to his stick figure. “Fucking Zayn.”

They chatted, Louis running his fingers over Harry’s various tattoos until the water turned cold, then dried themselves off and settled in Louis’ bed naked. Louis was asleep within minutes. 

 

*****  
 _  
Louis had been ignoring calls from his mother for six hours, hoping that at some point she would just give up. So far he hadn’t been that lucky. He’d already gotten told off by Simon. Three times. He didn’t want to get told off by his mum as well. He sat at the island, a bowl of soggy cereal that he didn’t have the appetite for in front of him, and watched his phone as it rang. With a big sigh, he picked it up and answered it cautiously._

_“Hello?”_

_“Louis William Tomlinson!” Jay shouted. Louis winced and put his fingers to his temples, rubbing circles slowly._

_“Hey, Mum,” he said. He was just so exhausted. Mentally and physically_

_“I was this close to sending someone over to your house to make sure you weren’t dead,” she informed him, her tone suggesting that he not interrupt her. “Don’t ignore my calls, you brat. I swear to God, Louis. You had me worried sick. Now, what on earth were you thinking? What the hell is wrong with you? What is this video I’m seeing all over the internet? Why are my friends and relatives calling me to ask what’s going on with you? What the fuck have you been doing? Tell me why I’m having to explain to your younger sisters that their older brother, their favorite person in the whole world, their hero, is doing drugs. Tell me why.”_

_Louis pushed his cereal bowl out of the way and rested his head on the cool marble of the island. He remained silent, groaning inwardly._

_“I’m waiting,” she said and Louis groaned outwardly._

_“What?” she snapped. “Are you high right now? Are you too hungover to talk to me? I don’t care, Louis. I want a fucking explanation for why you’re simultaneously ruining your life and your career.”_

_“Broken heart?” Louis replied, making it sound like a question, because at this point he wasn’t even sure anymore. Ruining his life was just something he was doing._

_All he knew was it now March and he’d been in Los Angeles for a couple of weeks, having flown over the day after he found out Aiden was cheating on him, as an escape. And it was four days after he’d gotten completely fucked up at a nightclub in Los Angeles, four days since he’d allowed himself to be filmed making a total arse of himself at said nightclub. And for the past two days the video had been online for the entire world to see. The press was having a field day, Simon was on the verge of tears, Liam and Zayn were being even more annoying than usual, and Louis couldn’t even walk out the front door of his Los Angeles house without being harassed by the paparazzi._

_“Well whose fault is that, Louis?” Jay asked, her tone hurtful._

_Louis sucked in a breath. “Can you just leave me alone?”_

_“No, really,” Jay kept on pushing. “I want to know why you’re so upset when the only reason your relationship went to shit is because you are too scared to come out. Enlighten me.”_

_“He cheated on me,” Louis hissed. “And you act like I’m the only one in the wrong here.”_

_“I’m just saying that all of this has been spurred on by the fact that you can’t come out.” She snapped. “That is what started this whole mess. That’s all he wanted from you.”_

_“Oh,” Louis stood up, even though he was by himself and she couldn’t see him. “And tell me why I’m afraid to come out, mum. Come on. Whose fault is this really?”_

_She was silent for a moment. “I don’t know what you’re fishing for here, but if you’re trying to pin the blame on me then that doesn’t even make sense.”_

_“But doesn’t it?” Louis went on, really fired up now. “I’m afraid to come out because I’m afraid of what it will do to my career. Hollywood likes to act all high and mighty, but not everyone wants to hire an out gay actor to play the straight role in their movie, especially when they’re trying to appeal to small town America. Not everyone wants to go see a movie with a gay actor in it, pretending to be straight. But straight actors can play gay roles just fine. They even receive praise for it. There’s a fucking double standard in the industry and you know it. And on the reverse end, I don’t want to be revered more highly just because of my sexuality. I want to be revered for my talent, not for where I like to stick my dick.”_

_“I don’t understand what this has to do with me,” Jay said, exasperated. “And besides, that’s really not the case anymore, Louis. People are a lot more open minded these days.”_

_“You don’t understand what this has to do with you?” Louis laughed harshly. “You’re kidding me, right? My life has everything to do with you. I’m not the one who drove myself around from audition to audition when I was five years old. I’m not the one who relied on the talent of my child to pay my bills. My life has been doomed to end up like this ever since you slept with that complete and utter shit of a man that I have to call my biological father and he left us. There’s never been any other path for me except acting. It’s been my entire life, it’s all I know, all I’ve ever had the opportunity to know, and now you have the audacity to tell me I should put the only thing I know in jeopardy for something as stupid as coming out of the closet. Just because it will make other people’s lives easier. No. Fuck you.”_

_“Louis-” she started, still sounding pissed, like she could go another round. He cut her off._

_“Shut up,” he spat. “You already got to talk. I’m trying my best under the circumstances to make my life mine. I’m trying to do what I want to do for once, and you can’t even let me have that. You’re still micromanaging my life. Everyone is. So fuck that. Fuck that and fuck you.”_

_He hung up on her and she didn’t try to call him back. He’d fought dirty in the only way he knew, with words. And he won. So why did he feel like he was constantly losing?_

*****

 

“What are your plans for the holidays?” Harry asked as he traced his fingers up and down Louis’ spine. It had been a over week since the Liam and Zayn Incident and Liam was still ignoring everyone. Zayn was finally back in London and moping about. He’d taken to shutting himself up in his house, writing new songs. Harry was spending every moment he could with Louis, making it clear that he was there for him should he feel himself going back under again. It was late morning on Saturday and they were lying in bed. Harry was sporting a pretty painful looking love bite on his neck that Louis couldn’t help but give himself a pat on the back for.

Louis shrugged. “Probably watch crap telly and eat left over take away.”

Harry laughed like he thought Louis was joking. “Come on, your family doesn’t have any cool traditions?”

This was a conversation Louis had been hoping to avoid. On some level, he knew it would come up eventually, especially with Christmas and his birthday right around the corner, but he’d been hoping they could ignore it for as long as possible.

“I’m sure my family will be doing something lovely,” Louis admitted. “But I haven’t really talked to them since before I went into rehab.”

Harry’s eyes turned sad and he pulled his hand back. “What?”

Louis turned onto his side, propping himself up on one of his elbows.

“You haven’t talked to any of them?” Harry asked, shocked.

“Well,” Louis amended. “Mum’s emailed me twice, Lottie calls me about once a month to give me an update on her life, mostly when she’s procrastinating uni work, and Fizzy sends me snapchats. Besides that, not really, no. Haven’t seen any of them in a year or so.”

Harry was silent for a bit and Louis reached in between them for his hand, fiddling with one of his rings. Louis knew how close Harry was to his family, knew that he would be shocked and confused to learn that Louis was no longer all that close to his, which was exactly why he’d been wanting to avoid this.

“Why?” Harry asked eventually.

“Long story?” Louis sighed, hoping they could leave it at that.

Harry fixed him with a look. “Well give me the shortened version.”

Louis huffed in annoyance but Harry kept looking at him, like he wasn’t going to take no for an answer, so he gave in.

“Mum and I got in a huge fight in March.” Louis began. “It was right after that video from the club was leaked?”

“The cocaine one?” Harry asked for clarification, like there could possibly be another video Louis was talking about. As far as he knew anyway, there was only one video of him acting like an idiot, high out of his mind, going on and on about how much he loved cocaine. It wasn’t one of his proudest moments. He didn’t like to think or talk about it.

“Yeah,” Louis nodded. “That one. Anyway, Mum was furious. Told me I was setting a bad example for my siblings and that I needed to watch myself. She was already mad at me before that and the whole thing got blown out of proportion. We both said really awful things, but especially me. We were both too proud to apologize afterwards, and then we just kept not talking, and it turned into a thing. Lottie and Fizzy are old enough to think for themselves, but the others are young and Mum thought it was best that I not wrongly influence them, so I haven’t talked to them either.”

“But,” Harry scrunched his face up in confusion. “But, you’ve gotten help now. Doesn’t your mum want to talk to you now that you’re better?”

“She tried to call me when I got out,” Louis admitted. “But I was still so angry and I didn’t want to talk to her. At this point it’s not them, it’s me. I’m just too embarrassed to reach out now.”

“Lou,” Harry said softly, squeezing his fingers.

“I miss them,” Louis collapsed onto his back and looked up at the ceiling. “At this point Ernie and Doris probably don’t even remember who I am and Daisy and Pheobs are going through puberty and I’m missing it. Haven’t even been able to tease them about boys.”

“Or girls,” Harry pointed out. “Stop that heteronormative thinking before it starts.”

“Really?” Louis turned to him and raised his eyebrows. “You’re really going to give me a social justice lecture now?”

Harry chuckled. “Sorry, I’m sorry.”

They were silent for a bit and Louis pulled the comforter up over his shoulders and snuggled back down into the bed a bit.

“You know,” Harry said softly. “I bet she’d love to hear from you, would love to have you home for Christmas.”

Louis bit his lip. “I suppose.”

He knew Harry was right, that he would never be turned away by his family, no matter how angry they were at him, but he didn’t want Jay to feel obligated to let him come home either. Plus, he was embarrassed and scared and it was just easier to ignore everything.

“I’ll come with you,” Harry said, reaching up to play with Louis’ fringe.

“What do you mean?” Louis asked, closing his eyes as Harry’s touch soothed him.

“I’ll come home with you for Christmas,” Harry clarified. “If that makes it easier for you. Plus, I wanted to spend your birthday with you anyway.”

Louis opened his eyes and looked at him. “Really?”

Harry nodded. Louis didn’t want Harry to miss Christmas with his own family, but he also really liked the idea of him coming with as a safety blanket. He supposed Harry wouldn’t have offered if he didn’t want to come, so he didn’t ask again, not wanting Harry to change his mind.

“Call her,” Harry whispered.

“I will,” Louis replied.

Harry reached behind him and grabbed Louis’ phone off of the bedside table.

“Wait, now?!” Louis asked, sitting up quickly.

Harry nodded. “Want me to go to another room?”

Louis took the phone with shaky fingers. “No. No… stay with me please?”

“Yeah,”

Louis dialed his mum’s number, his heart racing. He almost felt sick to his stomach. The phone rang five times before Jay picked up.

“Louis?!” She sounded alarmed and shocked and scared and Louis really hated himself in that moment. “What’s happened?! What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he assured her. “Nothing’s wrong, Mum. Just… wanted to check in. I guess.”

Jay was silent for a moment and Louis started to panic but Harry nodded and gave him a reassuring smile.

“Oh, Lou,” she said finally and it suddenly sounded like she was crying. “Sweetheart, it’s so good to hear from you.”

“You too,” Louis said truthfully. He hadn’t realized how much he missed her voice.

She congratulated him on his Golden Globe nomination and he asked her about the girls and Ernie. She gave him a brief update, said Fizzy was currently out to brunch with a friend and the rest were watching some holiday program on the telly. Lottie was expected to come home from Uni that week. They talked for about half an hour, Harry laying in bed next to Louis the whole time, listening to the one sided conversation.

“Mum,” Louis asked after a bit. “I was just wondering if like, can... can I come home for Christmas and my birthday?”

“Of course, love,” she answered instantly. “Of course. That shouldn’t be a question you ever have to ask.”

Louis felt relief wash over him and he gave Harry a smile and a nod. Harry grinned back, happy for him.

“And um,” Louis swallowed. “Can I bring my boyfriend?”

“Your _boyfriend_?” she sounded surprised and delighted.

Louis laughed softly. “Yeah, my boyfriend.”

“Yes, bring him! I’d love to meet him,” she said. “We’re, well Mark’s got the girls and Dan and the twins and I are going to his parents for Christmas Day but you should come up anyway. We can celebrate your birthday together and you and your boyfriend can have the house on Christmas Day if you’d like.”

“Okay,” Louis sad. “I’ll talk about it with him, but definitely plan on us being there for my birthday.”

“Great!” Jay said brightly. “So excited to see you, honey.”

“You too, mum. Excited to see everybody.”

Jay paused.

“This boyfriend… is he good to you?” she asked after a moment.

Louis looked up at Harry, who was tracing circles into the sheets with his fingertip, his fringe falling into his eyes. Louis reached up to push his fringe back.

“Yeah, mum,” Louis smiled. “He’s really good to me. You’re gonna love him.”

Harry looked up at that and blushed.

 

The drive to Doncaster wasn’t long enough. Harry kept fiddling with the radio and switching CDs and normally that would have driven Louis up the wall, but he was so anxious that he needed the distraction. Harry was excited. Too excited. Nobody should ever be that excited to meet the family. Louis sure wasn’t ready to go with Harry to Holmes Chapel after they left Doncaster. They’d decided on spending the 23rd and 24th with Louis family, and spending Christmas day with Harry’s family, as Louis’ family would be busy anyway. Louis was nervous as fuck.

“Okay so let me see if I’ve got this all straight,” Harry said as they entered Donny. “Lottie’s the oldest, then Fizzy and they’re both in uni?”

Louis had given him the run down the day before. Told him everyone’s ages and to watch out for Fizzy, as she was the most like Louis – loud and obnoxious with no limits.

“Lottie’s in uni,” Louis corrected. “Fizzy’s in sixth form.”

“Oh, right!” Harry nodded his head. “Okay, then Phoebe and Daisy are 13?”

“Yep,” Louis confirmed. “And Ernie and Doris are four. You’ve got it down Harry. Stop fretting.”

“Not fretting,” Harry said bashfully. “Just want to get it all right.”

“Don’t think anyone would blame you if you didn’t,” Louis said, turning onto his Mum’s street. “There’s so many of us. Mum lost track all the time.”

Harry chuckled and Louis took a deep breath as he parked on the street in front of the house. Everything looked the same. He didn’t know why he expected there to be major changes.

Sensing Louis’ nervousness, Harry leaned over and grabbed his hand.

“Hey,” he said softly, squeezing Louis’ fingers. “It’s gonna be fine. I’m sure they’re all excited to see you. It’s okay, Lou.”

Louis nodded, trying to believe Harry’s words. “What if the younger ones are angry with me though?”

Harry rolled his eyes. “They won’t be angry with you after you shower them with presents.”

Louis laughed, albeit a little shakily. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, then turned his head and gave Harry a quick peck on the lips, trying to calm his own nerves. Harry smiled at him encouragingly when they pulled apart and Louis nodded to himself as he reached to open his door. He stepped out and shivered at the cold. Harry rounded the car and popped the trunk, pulling out their luggage.

Louis tried to take his suitcase from him but Harry shook his head. “I’ve got it.”

“Harry,” Louis said sternly, still reaching for his suitcase.

“Stop stalling,” Harry retorted, nodding his head to the house.

Right. Okay. Louis could do this. He could do it. Sure.

They started up the sidewalk and Louis noticed movement in the front window, a curtain pulled back. He couldn’t do this.

“HE’S HERE!” Someone squealed from inside.

“Told you,” Harry said smugly. “They’re excited.”

Before Louis could reply, the front door opened and then he was being attacked by two thirteen year olds. Just like that, he started crying. He hadn’t realized just how much he missed everyone. He hugged the twins one at a time and caught Harry’s eye while he was twirling Daisy around in the air. He was smiling at them widely, a look in his eye Louis hadn’t ever seen there before. He looked fonder than Louis had ever seen him. Louis smiled back as he placed Daisy’s feet back on the ground.

He turned his attention back to the house to see Jay standing in the doorway, looking close to tears herself.

“C’mon,” Louis said to the twins. “Let’s go inside. It’s freezing out here.”

The girls each took one of his hands and led him to the house and Louis was grateful that Harry insisted on carrying their bags. Jay waited until they were all inside in the warmth of the house, with the door closed behind them, before she took Louis into her arms. Louis buried his face in her hair and inhaled deeply, reveling in the comforting smell of safety and home.

She pulled back and looked up at him, bringing her hands to his face to wipe his tears away with her thumbs. “Welcome home, you arse.”

Louis rolled his eyes affectionately and laughed. She gave Louis another brief hug before turning to Harry.

“And you must be Louis’ boy,” she smiled up at him. Louis’ boy. Louis liked the sound of that.

“Yes ma’am,” Harry put the suitcases down on either side of himself and offered his hand. “I’m Harry.” 

Jay ignored his hand and pulled him into a hug instead. Harry smiled and Louis could tell he was already completely smitten with his family.

“C’mon,” she gestured to the two of them after she pulled away from Harry. “We’ll worry about your luggage in a bit. Ernie and Doris are in the kitchen with Dan.”

They followed her to the kitchen, Harry introducing himself to Phoebe and Daisy as they walked. Dan was sitting at the kitchen table with Ernie and Doris, supervising as they decorated cookies. Louis had seen recent pictures of them on instagram, but they still looked so much older than the last time he saw them in person. Dan looked up when they entered the kitchen and smiled. Daisy and Phoebe both took seats at the table and Louis walked over to Dan, who stood up for a hug.

“Good to see you, man,” Louis told him.

“Yeah mate,” Dan patted him on the back. “You too.”

“This is Harry,” Louis introduced them. “Harry this is Dan, my step dad.”

The two of them shook hands. The twins looked up at Louis from the table, their stares calculating. This was the part Louis was the most nervous for. He wasn’t sure the twins would remember him.

“Hiya, loves,” he smiled, moving closer to stand in between them. 

Ernie broke first, grinning at him. “Hi Louis! We’re making cookies.”

“I can see that,” Louis said, his heart leaping in his chest. He ducked down to get a better look.

“Mine’s a snowman!” Doris informed him, thrusting her cookie in his face.

“It’s beautiful,” Louis told her sincerely. “You gonna give your big brother a hug, or no?”

Both of them leaned over to hug him from the side. He ruffled their hair before he stood back up.

“Who’re you?” Doris asked, looking at Harry with wide eyes.

“My name is Harry,” he said animatedly. “What’s your name?”

“Doris,” she replied matter of factly. “I’m four.” She held up a hand, her fingers spread apart.

“Wow,” Harry said. “You’re so grown up.”

She nodded her head at him as if to say, 'yes I know, I’m practically an adult'. Harry giggled.

“I’m Ernie,” Ernie supplied. “I’m four too.”

“No way!” Harry exclaimed, pretending to be surprised. “That’s the same as Doris!”

“Yeah!” Ernie told him. “We’re twins.”

Harry took Louis’ spot in between the twins and squatted down to their level, humming in interest as they told him about their cookies. Louis turned to look at Jay, who was leaning against the counter, watching on with a smile. He walked over to her.

“Would you like a cuppa?” She asked him, already turning to the kettle, knowing the answer.

“Thanks,” Louis told her.

“Will Harry want one?” She asked.

“Probably,” Louis said, but he turned around to ask anyway. “Hazza, you want a cuppa?”

Harry glanced up. “That’d be great, thanks!”

“He’s gorgeous,” Jay told Louis as she pulled a couple of mugs down.

Louis blushed. “Yeah,”

“I expect a full story later,” she pointed her finger at him.

“Of course,” Louis smiled. “Where are Fiz and Lotts?”

“Last minute shopping,” Jay rolled her eyes. “Told them you were coming and they freaked, hadn’t gotten you anything yet.”

Louis laughed. “Typical,”

She handed him the mugs and nodded her head to the cream and sugar. Louis fixed his cup and then Harry’s the way he liked it. Harry was sitting at the table with both sets of twins, working on a cookie of his own when Louis turned around to give him his tea. He was a big child. Louis was hopelessly endeared.

Louis put the mug on the table in front of Harry, getting a short “thanks, babe” in return, before he turned to Daisy to ask for the blue icing.

Louis turned back to Jay. “We’ve lost him.”

Jay looked at the table, noted that everything seemed to be running smoothly, and then gestured for Louis to follow her out of the kitchen. She grabbed one of their suitcases, still sitting in the hallway and Louis grabbed the other one before following her up the stairs and to his old bedroom, which Fizzy was now inhabiting.

“We’re gonna set you and Harry up in here,” Jay informed him, placing the suitcase down on the bed. “Lottie and Fizzy will probably throw a fit but they’ll get over it.”

She sat down on the bed and Louis did the same, facing her. She looked at him with watery eyes and Louis broke.

“I’m so sorry, Mum,” he told her.

“Me too, honey,” she took his face in her hands. “I’m sorry too. Don’t you ever do this to me again. I don’t care how angry I am with you or vice versa. You never do this again and I won’t either.”

He shook his head. “I won’t. Never again.”

“You’re clean?” she asked him, getting right to the point. “I know they’re saying you are in the papers, but-”

Louis nodded quickly. “I’m clean.” He reassured her. “For six months. I- I’m good. Everything’s really good.”

“Good,” she smiled, patting his cheek. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Louis said, so happy to say it, to hear it. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing,” Jay mock scolded. “You’re forgiven.

“Okay,” Louis laughed shakily.

Jay took a deep breath, presumably to start asking him a million questions when they heard the front door slam and Fizzy’s voice carrying throughout the entire house. “Where is the wanker? He’s here, right?! Louis!”

“Better go down there,” Jay told him gravely.

Louis scoffed. “Throwing me to the dogs.”

“They missed you,” she told him, standing up. “We all missed you.”

Louis heard footsteps on the stairs and he met Fizzy and Lottie half way, giving them both hugs and kisses on the cheek. 

Fizzy pulled back and swatted him on the arm. “Missed you, you stupid bag of dicks.” 

And well, Louis supposed he deserved that.

“Who is that curly haired cutie in the kitchen?” Lottie asked, raising an eyebrow.

“That’s Harry,” Louis told them. They both gave him blank looks.

“Louis’ boyfriend,” Jay said meaningfully.

Lottie and Fizzy both gasped. “You have a boyfriend?!”

Louis turned his attention to Jay. “You didn’t tell them I was bringing him?”

“What?” Jay asked. “And miss this reaction?”

“You’re a cruel woman,” Louis told her.

“How long have you been dating?” Fizzy asked, always the nosy one.

“About two months,” Louis replied after thinking it over.

“I talked to you on the phone like three weeks ago and you never said anything!” Lottie said indignantly, crossing her arms.

“Sorry?” Louis shrugged. “Do you wanna meet him or not?”

They both nodded and led the way back downstairs. Dan was sitting in his recliner, flipping channels on the television when they walked by. Jay joined him and Louis and the girls continued on to the kitchen, where Harry was still sitting at the kitchen with the kids. He’d pulled his hair back into a ponytail and was chatting with Phoebe and Daisy about something as he wiped Ernie’s sticky hands off with a napkin.

“Hey,” Louis put a hand on Harry’s back to get his attention.

Harry looked up at him and smiled. He stood up when he noticed Lottie and Fizzy standing behind him. Louis introduced them and then asked Phoebe and Daisy if they could handle the twins while the rest of them joined Jay and Dan in the living room.

“I guess,” Daisy sighed dramatically.

“I guess,” Louis mimicked, smiling at Harry as they all made their way to the living room. 

Harry and Louis sat next to Jay on the couch while Lottie took the rocking chair and Fizzy sat on the bench next to the fireplace. Dan muted the telly and everyone turned to look at Harry and Louis. Louis swallowed and Harry squeezed his knee, enjoying this way more than any sane person should.

“So does the interrogation start now, or?” Harry broke the silence and Fizzy laughed.

“I like him,” she announced to the room at large.

“I’m so relieved to hear that,” Louis teased. “I was gonna break up with him otherwise.”

“Heyyy,” Harry nudged Louis with this elbow.

“So what do you do, Harry?” Jay asked, looking at him calculatingly over her cup of tea. “Are you an actor?”

“No, I’m a personal trainer,” Harry told them. “That’s how Lou and I met.”

“You’re working out?” Lottie asked Louis, obviously amused.

Louis nodded gravely. “Part of getting myself back on track. And Harry’s being modest, he owns his own gym and has work out DVDs and everything. He did one of those weight loss shows in The States”

He felt a bit like he was bragging but he couldn’t help it. Harry was a lot more than just a personal trainer.

“That’s very neat!” Jay praised Harry. “You’re fairly young to have so much success. How old are you?”

“I could argue the same about Lou,” Harry put his arm around him. “But I’m twenty-four.”

Jay smiled briefly at Harry’s gesture and words before turning serious again.

“So you understand Louis’ situation.” She noted. “That he wants you to keep his sexuality and private life private.”

Louis wanted to punch himself in the face. He knew she was just making sure Harry wasn’t going to hurt Louis in the same way Aiden did, wasn’t going to take Louis away from her again, but he still wanted to punch himself in the face.

“I understand,” Harry told her. “And that doesn’t really matter to me. I’m just lucky to have Louis in any way I can.”

Jay smiled. Harry couldn’t have given a better answer if he tried. Louis knew his entire family was impressed. The topic of conversation turned more light hearted. Dan told them he heard it was supposed to snow overnight and Jay admitted that she didn’t have dinner planned, so they decided to order pizza.

It was a fun, relaxing night. Harry fit in with Louis’ family better than Louis ever could have imagined. He got on with Lottie and joked with Fizzy, teased Daisy and Phoebe, and played with Doris and Ernie. He was able to talk news and sports with Dan and he helped Jay bake a cake to go with tea in the morning. When everyone finally went to bed, he told Louis that they weren’t allowed to have sex with his siblings down the hall and that he would make it up to him later. Louis fell asleep in his childhood room, with Harry’s arms around him, and he couldn’t remember the last time he felt so at peace.

 

The next morning, Louis slept in. When he woke up, Harry’s side of the bed was cold. The brightness coming from the window confirmed that it snowed overnight and there were still flurries falling. Louis glanced at the clock. It was a little after ten. He was surprised his family had let him sleep that long. The younger ones were usually running around and causing a ruckus by eight. He pulled on a shirt and sweatpants and made his way down the stairs, eyes still heavy with sleep. The house was quiet. Lottie and Fizzy were both still sleeping on the pull out bed in the living room so Louis quietly made his way to the kitchen to make himself tea.

Jay was standing at the sink, looking out the window into the backyard with a small smile playing on her lips.

“Happy Birthday!” she smiled at him before turning her attention back to the window. Louis joined her to see that Harry was outside building a snowman with Daisy and Phoebe. They all looked stupidly cute. The girls were bundled up and Harry was dressed up in a coat and rain boots, his hair sticking out under a beanie and his nose and cheeks a bit red. Louis watched on affectionately as the three of them patted the snow together, huffing out a soft laugh when Phoebe hit Harry with a snowball and he reacted by dramatically falling down, with a hand clutched to his chest.

“He’s a good one, Louis,” Jay murmured, reaching for the kettle, already knowing what Louis was there for.

“Yeah,” Louis whispered in agreement. “Yeah, he is.”

“Do you see this being a long term thing?” she asked, handing him a steaming mug “I know it’s still relatively new.”

Louis shook his head. “I don’t want to end things any time soon.”

Jay nodded. “Do you love him?”

Louis paused.

“I don’t know,” he admitted, but he watched the twins tackle Harry to the ground and how Harry only reacted by moving his arms and legs to make a snow angel. Anyone else might have gotten annoyed that their clothes were now drenched, but not Harry. He thought of how Harry had been the one he’d called when he wanted a drink, not even considering Liam or Zayn, and his heart clenched in his chest. 

“I think I might.”

Jay hummed, like she knew that was going to be his answer.

“Then he doesn’t deserve to be hidden away,” She noted and Louis couldn’t even get mad at her, like he would have a few months ago, because she was right.

“I know,” Louis sighed.

“You don’t deserve it either,” She told him. Louis ducked his head. It always came to this. Always.

“Mum,” Louis warned. He didn’t want to have this argument again. Things were just getting good again.

“I’ve done a lot of thinking,” Jay continued. “I know you’re scared to come out, scared of what it will mean for you career and how the media will react, but Louis, I’m scared of what closeting yourself is doing to you.”

Louis groaned and moved to sit down at the table. This was most likely going to be a painful discussion.

“Last time you tried to hide yourself away things turned to shit and you almost killed yourself,” Jay said sternly, moving to sit down at the table across from him. “You pushed us away and I watched you destroy yourself and I couldn’t do anything, and that almost killed me.”

“Mum,” Louis said, raking a hand through his hair. “You can’t-”

“I know I can’t force you to come out,” she admitted. “I know that’s something you need to do on your own time when you’re ready. I just don’t think you realize how much happier you’ll be once you do it. I wouldn’t be a good mother if I didn’t tell you what I think is best for you and I think you are ready, even if you don’t realize it. You’re braver and stronger than you think you are. This past year proves that. You turned your life back around and I’m so proud of you, sweetheart.”

“Thanks, mum,” Louis said. Those words were all he’d wanted to hear since he called her that first night. Jay reached over to cover his hands with her own.

“It’s different this time,” she said. “You know it is. Anyone with eyes can see that your relationship with Harry is already so much more special than whatever you had going with that director. I never met him but it was clear he didn’t love you in the way you needed him to. Harry? He loves you,” she nodded her head to the window they’d been watching Harry out of a few moments ago. “I don’t know if he’s told you yet, but he does. It’s the most obvious thing in the world. And this… this hiding… it isn’t fair to him.”

Louis nodded, his eyes downcast. He hated it when she was right. But she was. This thing with Harry was different, it was _more_ somehow, even if they hadn’t been together all that long. And maybe the fact that Harry wasn’t nagging Louis to come out, didn’t think Louis owed him anything, just proved that Louis owed it to him.

“I’ll talk about it with him,” Louis told Jay.

She smiled, squeezed his hands and leaned back. “I think that’s a good place to start.”

She got up and made him some toast, telling him that it would be a pretty quiet day. Mark was coming to pick up the girls this afternoon and Dan had already taken the twins to his parents’ for the day. She apologized for the fact that not everyone would be here for his birthday, but Louis told her not to worry about it, they’d already made their plans and his visit was a last minute decision.

“So you’re meeting his family tonight?” She asked as she started to pull things out of the fridge, prepping for lunch.

“Yeah,” Louis said. “I mean- I’ve already met his sister. They’re roommates, but I’m meeting his mum and step dad, yeah.”

She opened her mouth to say something else, presumably to ask him if he was scared shitless, but Harry chose that moment to walk in the back door. He shivered and wiped his feet on the doormat before just taking his boots off altogether.

“Good morning, boo bear!” he said, smiling cheekily at Louis as he shrugged out of his coat.

Louis winced at the old nickname before turning to glare at his mother. “You told him?”

Harry chuckled. “Fizzy did.”

“Fizzy’s asleep,” Louis pointed out.

Jay laughed. “She woke up briefly for breakfast.”

Louis rolled his eyes. Of course she did.

“Aw, don’t be upset with her,” Harry skipped over and pressed a smacking wet kiss to Louis’ cheek. “I think it’s cute.” He batted his eyelashes.

“Yeah, well you’re not,” Louis retorted, although that was the farthest thing from the truth. Harry was the cutest thing Louis had ever seen, especially right now, cheeks red and nose a bit runny from the cold.

Harry gasped. “Rude.”

“He’s ticklish,” Jay mock-whispered.

Harry’s eyes took on a mischievous gleam. “Oh, really,”

“Mum,” Louis said incredulously. “Can you not?”

She shrugged. “It’s my job.”

“Yeah, it’s her job, boo bear,”

“I swear to God I’m going to get so much shit out of Gemma if you don’t stop,” Louis warned him and Harry sobered up immediately.

Jay laughed at them as Daisy and Phoebe came back inside as well, giggling loudly. They were both much dirtier than Harry had been, their hair dripping and their boots muddy.

“Don’t you even think about doing anything but going upstairs and showering!” Jay pointed her finger at the two of them. They both whined and Jay shook her head.

“Nope, c’mon,” she dragged them both out, muttering about how they better not dirty up her house.

Louis stood up to make himself another cuppa and Harry took the opportunity to box him in against the counter, his breath hot against Louis’ neck.

“Happy Birthday” He murmured, kissing Louis’ hair.

Louis turned around in his arms and looped his hands around Harry’s neck.  
“Thank you,” Louis said, looking into Harry’s eyes, and they both knew he was thanking him for much more than a happy birthday wish. “They all love you.”

“I’m very loveable,” Harry teased.

“I know,” Louis acknowledged. “But still, thank you.”

He stood on his tip toes to kiss him and Harry ducked down a bit to give him easier access. His lips were chapped from being outside in the cold for so long and Louis ran his tongue over them soothingly before plunging in. Harry made this noise in the back of his throat, almost like a purr and shivered. He smelled like Harry –like sandalwood and something a bit fruity- but after being around Louis’ family for twenty four hours, he also smelled like home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings: towards the beginning of the chapter louis has fears of relapse. also in the italicized flashback, louis and his mom have a verbal fight. 
> 
>  
> 
> ok i tried to figure out louis' siblings' ages for like an hour when i was writing this and i kept getting different answers on google so if they are older/younger than they should be in relation to fic louis' age i'm sorry
> 
> i wrote the majority of this chapter a few weeks ago but having jay's wedding under my belt really fueled my fire during rewrites/editing. as well as the gift from heaven that was that beautiful picture of louis with ernest. so. god bless whatever higher power is responsible for making these things line up.
> 
> as always, thanks for your comments and kudos and the positive feedback!
> 
> [come chat](http://www.littlelouishiccups.tumblr.com) :)
> 
> oh and fyi i'm going on vacation next week so there probably won't be an update next friday! sorry!


	5. January

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologies in advance bc the cheese factor in this chapter is unreal.

Louis pretty much always spent the first two months of the year in Los Angeles. With all of the chaos of awards season it was just easier to stay put than to fly back and forth. However, this year was a bit different, because it was the first time Louis had someone waiting back home for him in London. The only logical thing was to invite Harry along with him, really. So Harry took a vacation from the gym during the week of the Golden Globes. 

If anyone at the gym thought it was strange that Harry was taking a week off the same week that Louis would be gone, they didn’t say anything. Possibly it was because Louis invited Niall –who had never been to America- along too. Maybe it was because everyone knew about them but were just pretending they didn’t. Louis really couldn’t be bothered to stress over it at this point. So he planned on staying in Los Angeles until after the Grammy’s, then flying home to London in between the Grammy’s and the Academy Awards. Because oh yeah, he was now nominated for one of those as well. An Academy Award. No big deal. Harry might have cried a little bit.

Liam was finally around again, but he refused to have a proper conversation about what happened with Zayn. He kept calling the night a “drunken mistake between friends” and Louis had never so much wanted to punch his best friend in the face. On some level, he understood, he got it. Liam was scared and confused and he didn’t know how to deal with the situation. Still. Louis was so annoyed with him he couldn’t see straight. Zayn said he understood too, and he wasn’t pushing Liam, said he was going to give him time but Louis couldn’t shake the feeling that he had something up his sleeve, was preparing to win him over with every breath he took. At least Liam and Zayn were being civil towards each other. Louis supposed that was all he could really ask for at this point.

He was especially grateful they were being nice to each other because the five of them –Louis, Liam, Zayn, Harry, and Niall- would all be in The States at the same time. Liam was flying over a day later, but the rest of them flew in together. 

Louis and Zayn warned Harry and Niall, as they landed at LAX, that American paparazzi were on a whole new level of crazy.

“They saw us at Heathrow too,” Louis informed them as they retrieved their carry-ons from overtop of their seats. “So they know we’re coming.”

Niall couldn’t be less bothered at the idea of obnoxious paparazzi. He was practically jumping up and down, threatening to do an Irish jig.

“We’re in America!” He kept saying, smiling with glee.

They walked off the plane, Harry and Louis standing about three feet away from each other so as not to call attention to themselves, while Niall skipped in front of them and Zayn trailed behind.

“Where’s baggage claim?” Niall asked, looking at the signs scattered throughout the airport.

“Don’t worry about it,” Louis told him. “We’ve arranged for our bags to get sent to my place.”

Niall’s face broke out into a wide grin. “Man, this is the craic!”

Harry giggled and shook his head and the four of them made their way through the airport. The moment they stepped outside, making their way to the cars that were waiting for them, cameras started to go off. All of the paps starting shouting at once and Louis did his best to tune them out. Zayn got into one car and Louis, Harry, and Niall got into another. Louis sighed in relief once they’d closed the doors.

“That was wild,” Harry said, immediately reaching for Louis’ hand now that he could. “Even worse than they used to be at the gym.”

“Fucking vultures,” Louis muttered.

“WE’RE IN AMERICA!” Niall shouted and Louis looked at Harry and they both busted out laughing.

Harry and Louis pointed out various landmarks and favorite places to Niall on the ride to Louis’ house. When they arrived, Louis gave them both a tour of his house, which was much smaller than his house in London, but still earned oohs and ahhs from Harry and Niall. He showed Niall to the guest room and he and Harry unpacked their suitcases in the master bedroom before Niall announced that he was hungry and that he wanted to eat at In-N-Out for dinner.

“All the places to eat in Los Angeles, California,” Harry shook his head. “And you pick In-N-Out.”

Niall just shrugged. “We goin’ or what?”

So they picked up burgers in the drive thru and took them back home to eat, Louis teasing Harry about eating junk food and Harry saying it was okay because they were on holiday and he could cheat if he wanted to.

They watched some telly for about an hour after they ate, until Niall asked how lame it would be if he went to bed early, already jetlagged.

“Go for it,” Louis told him. He wanted Harry to himself for a bit anyway. He’d been thinking a lot about what his mum said over Christmas and he wanted to talk to him about coming out.

Harry headed to the kitchen after Niall went to bed, saying something about needing a glass of water, and Louis followed him. He hopped up to sit on the counter as Harry filled a glass at the tap.

“I wanna talk to you about something,” Louis said, knocking his heels back against the cabinets underneath him.

Harry leaned back against the opposite counter and nodded, telling Louis to go ahead.

“I’ve been thinking about coming out a lot recently,” Louis told him. “And I think I’m ready to do it. Especially with all that’s happened the past year, I think it’s finally time. I’m ready to tell everyone about me, about you. So like, I guess I just want to know if you think that’s a good idea... if you want everyone to know about you and stuff.”

Harry nodded seriously, thinking it over. Louis watched him, knew he would say whatever he wanted to say once he’d gathered his thoughts.

“Why now?” he finally asked. “Why is it different this time? I know this has been such a struggle for you before. Why do you want people to know about _me_?”

Louis shrugged. “I guess just, like, because… well… because I love you.”

Harry’s eyes widened and his mouth dropped open a bit. He looked kind of like a fish. An adorable fish. Louis couldn’t help but be a little proud that he surprised him with that confession. He just hoped Harry would say it back. He didn’t know what he would do if Harry didn’t say it back.

“You love me?” Harry squawked. Louis blushed and nodded, ducking his head down.

Harry set his glass of water down on the countertop and walked over to Louis, pushing to stand in between his legs.

Louis peered at Harry under his eyelashes. “You okay?” he asked.

“Of course I’m okay,” Harry smiled. “Louis Tomlinson loves me.”

“He does,” Louis confirmed, wrapping his arms around Harry’s neck.

“I love Louis Tomlinson too,” Harry admitted with a smug, dimpled grin.

Louis rolled his eyes. “You’re such a dork.”

“Yeah, but you loooooooove me!” Harry sang, pulling out of Louis’ arms to do a pirouette in the middle of the kitchen. 

“I take it back,” Louis made a face.

Harry waggled his finger at him. “Nope! No take backs.”

Louis grinned and pulled Harry back to him by reaching out and wrapping his legs around his waist. Harry ducked down to rest his forehead against Louis’ and Louis reached up to wrap a hand around the back of his neck.

“No take backs,” he whispered in agreement.

Harry brushed his lips against Louis’, rubbed their noses together. “Can we have ‘I Love You’ sex now?”

“What’s ‘I Love You’ sex?” Louis asked against his mouth. Harry was a firm believer that there was sex for every occasion. ‘We Didn’t Really Fight But We Had A Serious Talk’ sex, ‘You Have Morning Breath But I Don’t Care’ sex, ‘Thank You For Introducing Me To Your Family’ sex’, etc. Louis wasn’t surprised that ‘I Love You’ sex was also a thing. He wondered what kind of sex it would be.

“I’ve never had it before,” Harry admitted. And well, that was nice to hear. “So I don’t know. But we’re making it a thing.”

Louis let out a breathy laugh. “Alright, let’s go have ‘I Love You’ sex.”

He tightened his legs around Harry’s waist and Harry grabbed him under the bum and picked him up, kissing him as he carried him to the bedroom. There were definitely perks to having a strong personal trainer boyfriend. Harry turned around when they got to the bed, lowering them onto it so that he was laying down with Louis straddling him, subtly telling him that he wanted Louis to top.

Louis leaned over him, holding himself up with a hand next to Harry’s head. Harry ran his hands up Louis’ sides, moving his shirt up as he went. Louis pulled the shirt off himself and Harry ran his hands down his chest and stomach, traced the lettering of the tattoo on Louis’ collarbones with the tip of his tongue before moving back to his mouth. They kissed lazily for a while, their hands roaming each other’s bodies. Louis was sure he’d never get sick of kissing Harry, didn’t think he’d ever tire of his taste and the way he hummed when he was content or whined when he wanted more. Sometimes Harry left him feeling dizzy and Louis thought that maybe he’d never need to drink again if he could just get drunk off of Harry instead.

“I love you,” Harry whispered against his lips and Louis’ heart skipped a beat.

“Me too,” Louis smiled.

“Make love to me then,” Harry cupped Louis’ cheek with one of his hands and looked up into his eyes and Louis finally realized what “I Love You” sex meant. This wasn’t just fucking to Harry, this was making love, something they’d never consciously done before. And Louis knew Harry wanted this to be special, that he probably had a thousand different fantasies about this moment.

“Going to,” Louis murmured, moving his lips to Harry’s neck. “Gonna make you feel so good.”

Harry hummed happily. “Always do,”

Louis sucked a bruise into Harry’s neck. “Gonna make you feel so loved.”

His hands moved to work the button of Harry’s jeans and he pulled them off, Harry getting rid of his shirt himself. Louis then rid himself of his own pants before walking over to his suitcase, grabbing the bottle of lube he packed and a condom.

“No,” Harry said from the bed and Louis looked up at him questioningly.

“I-” Harry started. “No condom. I want to feel you. Want you to fill me up... I’m clean, did tests last time I went for a checkup. And I mean, I’m assuming you’re clean too.”

Louis nodded. He was clean. They did a range of tests in rehab and he was all good.

“Yeah, I’m clean,” he told Harry. “You’re sure?”

“Yeah,” Harry breathed, nodding enthusiastically. “Want it so bad.”

Louis dropped the condom back into the box and then walked back over, crawling onto the bed, and hovered on top of Harry. His hair was pulled back into one of his stubby ponytails and Louis reach up to take the band out. His hair fell down, the curls more floppy than springy since he’d had them pulled back. He really was gorgeous, still able to take Louis’ breath away. He doubted he’d ever be desensitized to Harry’s bright eyes or milky skin or his cheeky grin with the deep dimples.  


He kissed down Harry’s chest, nipped at his stomach, and sucked bruises into his hip bones, before ducking all the way down to taste him. He took Harry’s cock down in one go and Harry cursed as Louis swallowed around him, wriggling around, either to to keep from thrusting up into Louis’ mouth, or too make this last, Louis didn’t know. He started making desperate noises and called Louis’ name.

Louis pulled off. “What do you need, baby?”

Harry gestured to Louis’ cock. “Wanna taste you too.”

Louis grinned and swung his legs around so that he was straddling Harry’s face before taking Harry into his mouth again. Harry moaned appreciatively before taking Louis into his mouth as well. He swallowed around him eagerly and gripped tightly at his thighs and Louis was going to have to put a stop to that soon if he wanted this to last. Now that Harry’s attention was elsewhere, he didn’t have as much control, and he started thrusting up into Louis’ mouth eagerly. Louis didn’t mind, relaxing his jaw to let him have his way, focusing on the feeling of Harry’s tongue running up and down his length instead.

When Harry came it was a surprise to them both, but Louis swallowed down as much as he could, wiping what dribbled out of his mouth away with the back of his hand.

“Sorry,” Harry apologized sheepishly, still holding Louis in his hand.

Louis laughed and pulled away, moving down and turning around to straddle Harry’s stomach again. He pulled lazily as his length but Harry stilled his hand.

“Still want you to fill me up,” he whined, apparently feeling particularly needy tonight. “I can go again.”

“Haz,” Louis shook his head, not wanting to tire him out. It’d been a long day. They’d have plenty of time for lots of ‘I Love You’ sex later.

“You promised, Lou,” Harry said sternly.

Louis rolled his eyes. “Yeah, okay.”

Harry smiled, “Love you.”

Louis kissed him. “Love you, too.”

He realized that they were going to be one of those obnoxious couples who said it all the time, annoying everyone within a ten mile radius. He also found that he couldn’t be bothered to care.

Harry rocked his hips up. “Getting hard again already just thinking about it.”

Louis reached behind himself and grabbed at Harry. Sure enough, he was already filling up again. He stroked him softly, working him back to full hardness again before reaching for the lube. He moved down to kneel on the floor and wrapped his arms around Harry’s thighs, manhandling him closer. He threw Harry’s legs up over his shoulders and drizzled lube onto his fingers. They both let out breathy moans when he pushed the first finger in, Harry clenching around it. Louis went slowly, wanting to savor the heat of Harry wrapped around him and the desperate cries for more spilling from his mouth. When he got three fingers deep he crooked them, finding Harry’s prostate and Harry started pleading.

“Please,” Harry whimpered. “C’mon, please.”

Louis pulled his fingers out slowly, not wanting to keep him waiting any longer and Harry whined at the loss. Louis slicked himself up, pushed Harry farther up the bed again, and Harry bent his knees up, spreading his ass.

“Fuck,” Louis cursed at the sight of him so open and slick, ready for him. He moved up to kneel on the bed and leaned over, guiding himself into Harry before moving to prop himself up with his hands on either side of Harry’s head.

Harry made the most delicious sound Louis had ever heard in his life when he pushed in and Louis murmured another “I love you” as he bottomed out. He joined their lips together in a wet, sloppy kiss as he started to move, thrusting in and out almost painstakingly slowly, only speeding up after a few moments at Harry’s request.

He grabbed hold of Harry’s thighs for better leverage when he started to thrust in earnest, Harry moving his hips as well. Harry wrapped a hand around himself and started to jerk himself off frantically.

“Close,” he gasped and Louis locked eyes with him.

“Alright,” he nodded and Harry came mere seconds later with a cry, spurting warm and thick all over his stomach and Louis’, clenching around him tightly as he shuddered through his second orgasm of the night. His eyes rolled back into his head and that’s when Louis joined him, shouting as his orgasm shattered through him as well.

He collapsed on top of Harry, breathing heavily. Harry slid out from underneath him a few minutes later, returning with a flannel to clean both of them off. Once they were both in good shape, he tossed the flannel into the corner and climbed back into bed. Louis threw an arm and a leg over him.

“Thank you,” Harry said after a moment.

“What, for the orgasms?” Louis wondered in amusement. “Not exactly a hardship, Harold.”

“For loving me,” Harry clarified, his voice barely a whisper. “For letting me love you.”

 

When Louis woke up the next morning he opened his eyes begrudgingly and looked over to see Harry sitting on the edge of the bed, bent over tying his shoes. He was dressed head to toe in black workout gear.

“What are you doing?” Louis asked, his voice thick from sleep as he pulled the comforter up around his shoulders and blinked at him.

Harry turned around and smiled. “Gonna go for a run with Niall.”

Louis sneered “You’re disgusting.”

Harry laughed. “Wanna come with us?”

Louis pretended to think about it for a moment. “Hmm, I’m gonna go with no.”

“Party pooper,” Harry teased, swinging his feet up onto the bed and nudging Louis with them. “Do you like my new trainers?”

Louis looked down. They were neon pink. He really didn’t understand Harry’s affinity for brightly colored trainers. He had an orange pair and a green pair and a yellow pair. And now a pink pair. It was all a bit ridiculous but Louis figured they suited him.

He blinked. “They’re bright.”

“That’s why I like them,” Harry smiled and leaned over to kiss Louis’ forehead. Niall appeared in the doorway, dressed in workout clothes himself and Louis said hi.

“You two were fuckin loud last night,” Niall informed them. “Could hear you all the way down the hall. Have some bloody respect.”

“Says the guy who brought a different girl back to the dorm every weekend for the entire first semester of uni,” Harry teased. “While I was in the room.”

Niall guffawed and Louis chuckled.

Harry stood up. “I’ll be back in a bit.” He said to Louis. “Go back to sleep. We’ll bring back breakfast!”

“Mmm,” Louis hummed as he slid back down in between the sheets, already closing his eyes again. “You’re so thoughtful.”

He was still asleep when Harry and Niall returned with bagels and coffee.

They ate in Louis’ room, all sitting on Louis’ bed, and talked about what they wanted to do that day, as it was their last semi free day before Louis really had to get to work. Niall and Harry decided they’d visit the beach later while Louis took phone calls and met with his stylist. Niall announced that he was going to take a shower shortly after that and Harry and Louis waved him away.

“So you want to come out of the closet?” Harry asked after a while. “I got distracted from that bit last night.”

“Yeah,” Louis acknowledged. He’d almost forgotten about bringing that up with all of the I love you’s and everything. “I just think it’s time? And it’s not fair to you to keep you hidden away like a dirty little secret or something.”

“You know I don’t see it like that though,” Harry reassured him.

“I know,” Louis nodded quickly. “But, if you don’t mind then I want to do it. Like, I know we’ve said I love you but I guess I want to triple check that you’re committed to us for a while. If you are then I want to do it. You’re worth it.”

“I wouldn’t be here with you if I wasn’t committed to our relationship,” Harry said. “So don’t worry about that. If you’re ready, I’m ready. It’s always been your decision.”

Louis smiled at him. Harry was truly amazing, he really was. “I’m ready, yeah.”

“Okay,” said Harry with a nod. “I guess that’s that then. What do we do now?”

“We need to talk to Simon,” Louis told him. “But I still want to wait a month or so. Until after the Oscars. I don’t want this to affect the outcome of that in any way.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Harry nodded. “I think that’s a good idea.”

“Alrighty then,” Louis said, feeling anxious and excited about it all at once.

“Alrighty then,” Harry repeated. “I think I’m gonna go shower too.”

“Sounds good, babe,” Louis told him. “You kind of stink.”

Harry raised his eyebrows. “I have to deal with your sweat all the time.”

“You love it,” Louis retorted. “You told me so.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Harry stood up. “You hung the fucking moon, Lou.”

Louis winked and smacked Harry’s ass. “I know.”

Harry rolled his eyes in exasperation and then closed the bathroom door behind him. Louis chuckled as he pulled his iPad out to check his emails and his schedule for the following day. Awards Season had officially began.

 

The next day was a whirlwind. Simon came over at the crack of dawn to start briefing Louis on the day’s events, not leaving until Lou, his stylist, arrived after lunch, saying he’d be back to pick him up in a couple of hours. Harry and Niall seemed to realize early on that it would be best if they stayed out of the way, spending the day in the pool in the backyard.

Zayn came over when Louis’ hair was being styled to say good luck, right as Louis started to get really nervous.

“Think I might hang out here until the after parties and watch with Harry and Niall,” Zayn told Louis.

“They’ll like that,” Louis said, wincing as the stylist combed out his tangles.

“Where are they by the way?” Zayn asked.

“Backyard,” Louis said. “Trying to stay out of the way,”

“Wise,” Zayn acknowledged. “I think I’ll head out there too.”

Louis waved him away, content to freak out on his own. He went over his acceptance speech in his head when his stylist stopped talking to him.  
Before he knew it, Simon and his assistant were back to pick Louis up, both dressed nicely themselves. Louis said goodbye to Harry, Zayn and Niall, getting a good luck kiss from Harry, and then headed out to the car. He fidgeted more and more the closer they got to the red carpet. He almost felt like he was going to throw up, which was just great. He’d walked red carpets a hundred times before. He needed to get a grip.

They arrived and Simon gave Louis’ shoulder a reassuring squeeze before they got out of the car, cameras flashing and the crowd screaming. Louis took a deep breath and started to walk, following Simon’s lead. He posed and smiled for the cameras and signed a few autographs before moving on to do a few interviews. He hugged his colleagues, everyone telling him it was nice to have him back, and answered way too many questions about if he was excited for the night and what he planned to do if he won. He came up with bullshit answers to every single question, because the real answer was that if he won he would go home and have celebratory sex with his boyfriend. He got asked who he was wearing and almost forgot that the answer was Burberry, which was saying something because Harry had oohed and ahhed about it for an hour at least.

It seemed to go on for ages and he sighed in relief when Simon told him it was time to go inside and find his seat. When he finally sat down he pulled out his phone to see seven missed texts from Harry. He smiled as he opened them.

**I just watched you arrive to the red carpet! So surreal**

**You’re looking really hot babe ;)**

**I’m getting nervous for you I think I’m annoying Niall and Zayn because I’m pacing**

**Just saw Liam on tv too! This is wicked!**

**They’re talking about you on E! They said its really good to see you back in top form and the fashion police like your outfit**

**Now you’re being interviewed by Ryan Seacrest. You seriously look so hot, babe. Can’t wait to tear that tux off you when you get home ;)**

**I won’t actually tear it off. It’s really expensive.**

“Hey stranger,” Louis glanced up from his phone to see Jennifer and her boyfriend, Nick, taking the seats next to him.

“Hi love!” Louis reached over to give her a hug. They hadn’t seen each other since in ages because Louis missed the press junket for the film when he was in rehab. He absolutely adored her though. Filming with her was one of the funnest experiences of his life.

He leaned over to say hi to Nick as well, making a mental note to get Harry an autograph later. Harry was a huge fan of Skins, had all of the seasons on DVD at his house.

“Congrats, babe,” Louis said to Jennifer, referring to her nomination.

“Hey, you too!” she exclaimed. “And an Oscar nomination as well!”

Jonah Hill sat down on his other side and Louis shook hands with him before noticing that Dylan O’Brien was sitting in their row a few seats down. He stood up to go congratulate him and wish his competition luck.

“Shit,” Dylan said, shaking Louis had with a gulp. “Thanks, man. Wow I’m a big fan. I can’t even believe I’m here. That means a lot. Good luck to you too.”

Louis said hi to a few more people before the show started and everyone was told to take their seats. He sat down and crossed his legs and took a deep breath.

“Here we go!” Jennifer said, nudging him with her shoulder.

“Yeah,” Louis murmured to himself. “Here we go.”

 

He didn’t win. He was disappointed, but he wasn’t really surprised. He never won. And he’d been up against some very talented competition. He just wasn’t good enough. He was never fucking good enough. 

When he walked in through the front door, Harry greeted him in the entryway.

“Hey,” he said softly.

“Hi,” Louis said back with a sad smile.

“You okay?” Harry asked, reaching out to touch Louis’ arm.

Louis nodded and jerked his shoulder up in a weak shrug. “Disappointed. I’ll be okay though.”

Harry pulled him into a tight hug and Louis went easily, burying his face into the crook of Harry’s neck. Harry’s hair, which was getting kind of ridiculously long, tickled his nose. He ran his hands up and down Louis’ back soothingly.

“Let me take your mind off it, yeah?” Harry whispered, moving his hands up under Louis’s shirt.

Louis shook his head and pulled back, not in the mood. “I just want to go to bed if that’s alright. Long day.”

“Yeah babe,” Harry frowned, his eyes sad and soft. “Of course.”

Louis leaned up to brush his lips against Harry’s before he headed to his bedroom.

“Where’s Niall?” He asked, not seeing him as they walked through the house.

“Went to an after party with Zayn,” Harry informed him as they took their clothes off, getting ready for bed.

“You could have gone,” Louis said, hating that Harry was missing out on all of the fun.

“I’d rather be with you,” Harry said, ducking into the bathroom to brush his teeth and have a wee.

Louis turned the shower on, needing to wash the day off him. He stuck his hand under the water, testing the temperature, before sliding his briefs off and stepping in. He stood there and closed his eyes, letting the water run over him. He heard the shower door open and felt Harry step in next to him. Keeping his eyes closed, he listened as Harry uncapped a bottle, then sighed as his hands started moving in Louis’ hair, massaging shampoo into his scalp. He whispered sweet nothings into Louis’ ear as he worked. Lots of “I love you’s” which still sent a jolt to Louis’ heart, and stuff like “You’ll get ‘em next time,” and “there’s still the Oscars”, which was true. There was still a chance that Louis could win at the Oscars.

Louis let himself be pushed back under the water stream and Harry washed the shampoo out of his hair. Louis opened his eyes to see Harry squeezing soap into his hands, which he lathered together before washing Louis’ body as well. He kissed random body parts as he washed: a peck to the shoulder, a bite at his stomach, before pushed Louis under the water again to rinse off and then shooed him out of the shower. Louis felt numb to it all.

“Go get in bed,” Harry said. “I’ll join you in a bit.”

Louis dried off quickly and crawled into bed naked while Harry washed himself. He snuggled down into the sheets, his wet hair dampening the pillow. He was so tired, couldn’t remember how he used to go out and party after days like this. The red carpet was exhausting enough. He heard the water shut off and Harry moving around in the bathroom. He tilted his head when the bathroom lights were shut off to see Harry walking over to the bed, sliding in behind him. He scooted back until he was pressed flush against Harry’s chest. Harry wrapped his arms around him, kissed his hair, and then hooked his chin on Louis’ shoulder.

“Promise me you’re okay?” Harry asked, spreading his fingers out against Louis’ stomach.

Louis put his hand over Harry’s. “I will be. Just tired mostly. I’ll be good as new tomorrow.”

“Hmm,” Harry hummed like he didn’t quite believe him.

“Promise,” Louis reassured him.

“Why didn’t you go to any parties?” Harry asked after a few moments.

“Didn’t want to set myself up to fail when I’m doing so well,” Louis informed him. “Can’t do it without you there to distract me apparently.”

“Well, I’m glad you came home early.” said Harry, kissing Louis’ hair. “Missed you.”

Louis closed his eyes. “Me too. Can we just cuddle in silence for a bit?”

“Yeah, babe,” Harry whispered and kissed his cheek before moving to lay his head down on the pillow next to Louis’.

He held him tightly and Louis fell asleep shortly after.

 

Harry and Niall left two days later, both needing to get back to the gym and their clients. They were happy to go home. Harry was stressing about getting payroll out on time and Niall said he missed Barbara. Louis was staying in Los Angeles until after the Grammy’s the following week, something he didn’t usually go to, but he didn’t usually have a best friend nominated for Best R&B Performance, Best Rap/Sung Collaboration, and Album of the Year.

The week and a half leading up to the Grammy’s were almost refreshing. He was definitely back in the game, doing his first big interviews and promotions since he’d been released from rehab. The focus was back on his work and no longer on his mistakes. He hung out with Liam and Zayn, who both stayed in LA as well and were still pretending everything was hunky dory, and skyped with Harry every afternoon and swam laps in the pool every morning at his boyfriend’s insistence.

Four days before the Grammy’s, Louis popped over to Liam’s, whose LA house was next door to his, around lunch time to hang out for a bit. He came in through the backdoor, heard shouting from somewhere in the house, and almost walked right back out again, but his curiosity got the best of him.

“You’re being such a fucking idiot!” Zayn’s voice carried, which was something, because Zayn wasn’t a shouter.

“I don’t-” Liam started but Zayn cut him off.

“It meant something and you know it did!” He said, his voice desperate. “You’ve wanted this as much as I have so I don’t get why you’re acting like this.”

“We’re friends,” Liam said, his voice much quieter than Zayn’s. Louis had to strain to hear him. “I don’t want to ruin that.”

“You’re just fucking scared,” Zayn retorted. “I don’t know why, because I’ve told you I’m in this. Like, you basically ruined everyone else for me the moment you walked into my life. So fuck you for acting like this isn’t real. You say you don’t want to ruin our friendship, but that’s exactly what you’re doing. You should have thought about that before you put my dick in your mouth.”

Louis closed the door loudly behind him, not wanting to hear any more, wanting to stop the argument. Zayn stopped his shouting and Louis called out a “Hello?” as he walked through the house. He found them in the entryway. Liam was dressed in sweats and a white tanktop while Zayn was dressed much more immaculately in skinny jeans and a leather jacket.

“Hey,” Louis said innocently.

“Hey, Lou,” Liam said, his eyes a little red, like he was trying not to cry. Zayn simply nodded, his lips pressed into a tight line.

“You just get here, Zayn?” Louis asked.

Zayn nodded again without taking his eyes off Liam. “Yeah, just leaving too.”

“You don’t have to leave,” Liam said, his voice breaking. He sounded so tired.

“I’m meeting Ed at the studio anyway,” Zayn replied, his hand on the doorknob. He was doing a collaboration performance with Ed Sheeran at the Grammys and they’d only just started rehearsing together a few days prior. To say he was stressed would be an understatement. “See you later, Louis,”

“Alright,” Louis said, giving him a smile and a wave.

“Bye,” Liam said softly, before closing the door behind him.

“What are you doing, Liam?” Louis asked when Liam locked the door.

“You heard?” Liam asked, pushing past Louis to walk back into the house.

“Some of it,” Louis admitted, following him. “What’s going on with you? You’ve wanted this so badly for so long. I’m trying really hard to understand what could possibly be going on in your head.”

Liam sighed and collapsed onto one of the couches in his living room. Louis sat down on the couch opposite and waited.

“He’s right,” Liam finally said, rubbing his temples with his fingers. “I’m just so fucking scared.”

“Why?” Louis prompted.

Liam sighed again. “I don’t know. It’s like, he keeps asking me what I’m doing, you’ve asked me what I’m doing, and I don’t even know what I’m doing.”

“Okaaay,” Louis said slowly, not quite comprehending but wanting to encourage Liam to continue.  
Liam shrugged and remained silent, not wanting to go on, but Louis wasn’t taking no for an answer this time, not when the whole situation was starting to put strain on their relationship.

“You haven’t talked to me about what happened at all,” Louis pressed. “Zayn’s told me his side of the story, but I don’t even know how you feel about it.”

“I’m terrified,” Liam admitted, biting his lip. “Everything about that night was magic. And, I don’t know, I’ve been in love with him for a while. That’s no secret. But it was different from how I always imagined it would be when we actually acted on it. I expected it to be like how it was with Danielle or Sophia. You know me. You know I fall pretty easily and that I’ve been in love before.”

Louis nodded. It was true. He did know that. Liam was the person he knew the most about in the entire world. He’d been friends with him through every relationship, every break up, just… through everything. He’d seen him fall in love before, but it always seemed different with Zayn, so he wasn’t exactly surprised to hear Liam saying this.

“It was just like,” Liam paused, a distant look on his face as he mentally revisited that night. “Everything clicked into place. That’s the only way I know how to describe it. It was fucking overwhelming, Lou. Different from how I’ve fallen before. He’s the most perfect fucking person in the world and I- I don’t think I’ll ever feel like this about someone again. I don’t think I’ll survive it if we mess this up.”

And there it was. Finally an explanation for this whole mess. Finally things made sense. However, that didn’t mean that Liam was any less of an idiot.

“But,” Louis started. “You’re already messing it up.”

Zayn had basically said the same thing but Louis felt like it could stand repeating.

Liam groaned and threw himself down so that he was laying on the couch with his head on the armrest. “I know.”

“You wanna know what I think?” Louis asked.

Liam side-eyed him. “You’re gonna tell me anyway.”

Louis ignored that. “Zayn called me the day after you slept together, after he woke up to find you gone. He went on and on about how he must have done something wrong, how he didn’t want to let you down again. The man had just been nominated for three fucking Grammys and all he could think about was you. He was going to cancel all of his performances and fly home because he so desperately wanted to make things right.”

Liam cursed. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Louis said. “So I understand that you’re scared and worried, but trust me when I say that nobody wants to make this work more than Zayn.”

Liam ran a hand down his face.

“At this point, you’ve already fucked things up,” Louis told him. “I’m not going to tell you what to do, just know that Zayn’s hurting a lot right now too. And you doing whatever it is you think you’re doing is just making things worse. So if you don’t want to mess this up even more than you already have, you need to try a different approach.”

Liam nodded. “Yeah, okay. You’re right.”

“Okay,” Louis said.

“I’m not saying change is going to happen right away,” Liam amended. “Because I’m still trying to figure everything out. But thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” Louis stood up. “Just don’t take forever. You two have waited long enough.”

Liam laughed and sighed at the same time. “Yeah,”

“I’m gonna try to call Harry,” Louis said, patting Liam’s shoulder as he walked by. “Come over if you need anything.”

“I will,” Liam said. “And Louis?”

Louis looked at him. “Yeah?”

“I don’t know if I’ve told you, but I’m really happy for you and Harry.”

“We said ‘I love you’.” Louis told him. He hadn’t told anyone about that yet.

Liam smiled softly, knowing that was a big deal for Louis, knowing he’d never told a significant other ‘I love you’ before.

“That’s great.” He said. “Take care of that, yeah?”

Louis nodded. “Don’t think he’d let me ruin it if I tried.”

 

*****

Getting ready for the Grammy’s was a lot less stressful for Louis. Liam and Zayn were running around with their heads cut off, but Louis was much more relaxed. The second major red carpet event of the season was always easier, not to mention he wasn’t nominated for anything himself and that made it a lot less nerve wracking.  


He went through the motions again but on a lesser scale, only doing two interviews before going to sit in the audience with Simon behind him. Zayn and Ed were the fourth performance of the night and Louis sat up a bit straighter in his seat when they took the stage during a commercial break and the lights dimmed on them. Jimmy Fallon was hosting and he took the stage, waiting to get the signal to start up again.

“Performing a new song written especially for tonight!,” He introduced them. “Everybody give it up for Zayn Malik and Ed Sheeran!”

Louis clapped with the audience and shifted in his seat in anticipation. He knew next to nothing about this performance, just that Zayn and Ed were performing a new song that they’d written together that week, because they were masochists or something. He’d been surprised when Zayn told him he was paired with Ed for a Grammy performance. Their styles were pretty different, but they were both so talented that Louis knew they would make it work.

Two dim spotlights came on, one showcasing Zayn at the piano, the other on Ed who was standing next to him with his guitar. Ed started singing first, a capella.

“We’re not- no we’re not friends,” he sang before starting to strum his guitar. Zayn joined in, playing soft chords on the piano. Louis heart broke when he started to sing as well, his voice so raw and open with emotion. Zayn’s music was so often accompanied with heavy beats and rapping that Louis sometimes forgot how beautiful his voice was in its simplest form. He was so struck by the quality of Zayn’s voice that he didn’t even really listen to the lyrics until the chorus, which Ed and Zayn sang together. And that’s when his stomach dropped.

“Friends just sleep in another bed,” they sang and the audience was uncharacteristically quiet, the music washing over them, as if they too could tell that this was something special. “And friends don’t treat me like you do.”

Louis watched Zayn’s face as he closed his eyes and sang, “Well I know that there’s a limit to everything, but my friends won’t love me like you. No, my friends won’t love me like you.”

The music tapered off to a verse, Ed singing solo again. Louis wondered what Liam was thinking, knew he was watching from a different spot in the audience, and knew he would know this song was for him. Louis felt his phone vibrate in his pocket but made the mental decision to wait until the performance was over to check it.  


Zayn started singing again and he actually looked like he might cry and Louis bit down hard on the inside of his cheek to keep himself from doing the same.

“So I could take the back road, but your eyes will lead me straight back home.” His playing on the piano got louder. “And if you know me, like I know you, you should love me, you should know…”

He did some intricate run with the last word, singing impossibly high before the two of them joined together again for the second chorus. The song was perfect. Louis honestly couldn’t get over how _perfect_ it was. It was beautiful and sad, almost like Zayn was begging, but there was almost an undertone of anger in it too, desperation. Louis was so grateful that Zayn had music. It was the only place where he ever saw Zayn completely open up about his vulnerability, and this was already hands down the most vulnerable song Zayn had ever written. It was beautiful right up until the very end, when Zayn sang the last line solo.

“Oh, my friends will never love me like you.” He played the last chord on the piano, looking down and seeming to gather his thoughts, before looking up at Ed, who gave him an approving nod, and then at the audience, who erupted into loud applause, standing up and cheering.

The lights went down on Zayn and Ed’s portion of the stage and the audience settled back down, everyone chatting amongst themselves as they waited during a commercial break. Louis pulled his phone out of his pocket after a few minutes to nine missed texts, seven from Harry and two from Liam. He opened the ones from Liam first.

The first one simply read,

**Shit**

It was followed by,

**What do I do now?**

Louis rolled his eyes and typed a reply.

**You know what to do now, dumbass.**

He opened the texts from Harry next.

**Oh, my God**

**Holy shit**

**“your eyes will lead me straight back home”**

**Zayn looks like hes going to cry**

**Are you with Liam? Is Liam crying? I’m crying. Niall is crying.**

**Niall wants you to know that he’s not actually crying.**

**Wow. That was so… wow. Okay I know you’re busy. Call me when you can. Love you xx**

Louis texted him back quickly.

**I’m fucking speechless. Liam’s texted me. He’s freaking out. He’s announcing best album later and Zayn is nominated for that and I don’t even know what’s going to happen if he wins. Love you too, talk to you later. X**

He settled back into his seat and tried to enjoy the rest of the show without stressing himself out too much. He talked to his neighbors and to Simon, who was sitting behind him.

When Liam finally walked onto the stage at the end of the night with Mila Kunis to announce Album of the Year, Louis’ heart started racing. His heart had raced every time Zayn was up for something that night, but it was racing more so now. Partly because Zayn had yet to win anything, and this was his last chance, partly because he was anxious to see how Liam and Zayn would interact on stage together if he did win. It was sure to be awkward and stunted and Louis was dreading it.

Liam and Mila introduced the nominees and Louis’ honestly thought his heart might beat out of his chest. 

“And the winner is,” Mila said, opening the envelope. Louis could tell from the look on Liam’s face before they even announced it that Zayn won. His eyes softened and he smiled widely as they both looked at the audience and said “ _Zayn_ , Zayn Malik!”

Louis stood up and clapped, watching on the big screen as Zayn ducked his head and smiled to himself before standing up and making his way to the stage. Once he took the stage he hugged Mila before turning to Liam, and taking the gold statue from him. They hugged and Liam pulled back, looked Zayn in the eye and smiled at him. And then he took his face in his hands and kissed him.

Zayn’s eyes widened in shock, Louis’ mouth dropped open, and the applause paused, literally everyone in the giant room surprised by Liam’s actions. Louis’ phone started going off in his pocket and he knew it was Harry again. Liam and Zayn pulled apart and Zayn looked like he didn’t even know where he was, so Liam nodded his head at the mic, reminding him that he had to give a speech.

“Um,” Zayn said, clearing his throat into the mic. The audience tittered nervously. “So, I guess he figured out ‘Friends’ is about him?”

The audience laughed, clearly more comfortable now since Zayn seemed to be, and everyone settled back down to hear the rest of his speech.

“Um,” Zayn said again. “Sorry, I’m not very good at talking in front of people and now I’m...” he moved his hands around his head in a tornado motion. “So thanks for that Liam.”

Liam grinned and shrugged with a wink and the audience laughed again. “But yeah thank you to everyone who made this possible. Music has always been my best form of self-expression and it means everything to me that other people enjoy my music and can relate to it. Thanks to my fans first of all, and to my label, my management, my friends and family. Just, yeah. Thank you everyone.”

Liam and Mila led him off stage and Louis felt Simon’s grip on his shoulder from behind. He turned around and looked at him questioningly.

“Don’t you ever dare pull a stunt like that on me,” Simon whispered harshly into his ear.

Louis threw his head back and laughed, shaking his head. “I won’t. Promise. We do need to talk about it though.”

Simon nodded. “Yeah, I figured. We’ll talk when we get back to London.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song zayn sings with ed is 'friends' by ed sheeran. irl it's obvi an hl song but let's pretend ok.
> 
> ok so a note on updates for the next two weeks: i'm... not sure when i'm going to update. i just know it won't be on fridays. next weekend is my best friend's wedding (in which i'm the moh so i 'm currently running around with my head cut off) and the weekend after that is my one direction concert!!!! woo!!! i do plan on updating, it'll probably just happen randomly in the middle of the week whenever i have free time to proof read and post. 
> 
> thank you guy SO much for reading and leaving your kind comments and kudos! feel free to come chat with me on [tumblr](http://www.littlelouishiccups.tumblr.com) :)


	6. February I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please check notes at the bottom for trigger warnings pertaining to drugs and alcohol if those might be a trigger for you!

_One public fight with Aiden and the whole world was suddenly convinced that Louis was homophobic. And wasn’t that just terribly hilariously ironic. Louis couldn’t stop laughing. It was just great. Classic. He hated everyone and everything._

_It was all anybody could talk about, the fact that a drunk Aiden Grimshaw groped him outside of a club, surrounded by paps, and Louis pushed him off, screaming that he didn’t want anything to do with him. Aiden shouted back that Louis shouldn’t flatter himself and that he has some serious homophobic tendencies that he needed to work out. So Louis punched him._

_The next morning he woke up to a hangover and several missed texts from Simon with links to headlines like “Louis Tomlinson Punches Gay Director” and “Is Louis Tomlinson Really Homophobic? Watch Video to Find Out!”. It was ridiculous. As if the world wasn’t already largely homophobic. As if they were somehow better than Louis because they liked Aiden and watched and supported his films. Please._

_It had to be some kind of sick joke. It was really just amazing how quickly everyone fed into the bullshit when there was past evidence that completely negated all of this. Everyone seemed to have conveniently forgotten that Louis’ first Academy Award nomination was for playing a gay role, a role that entailed sex scenes that he was asked countless ignorant questions about. Nobody remembered that less than a year ago he’d played in a charity football match Liam organized for The Point Foundation, an organization that gave scholarships and internships to members of the LGBTQ community. Nobody thought about the fact that his best friend was bisexual so how could Louis possibly be queerphobic?_

_“Well maybe they’d remember all of that if you hadn’t done other more notable things over the last few months,” Simon said bitterly when Louis pointed this out to him. “Like driving under the influence and going to jail or punching one of the media’s favorite screenwriters and directors in the face.”_

_Louis hung up on him while simultaneously reaching for a bottle of whisky. Two hours and nearly half a bottle later, his phone started ringing. He stumbled over to it to see Aiden’s name flashing across the screen. He scoffed and rolled his eyes but answered anyway._

_“What.”_

_“Can I come over?” Aiden asked._

_“No.”_

_“We really need to talk, Lou,”_

_“No.”_

_“Please?”_

_Louis paused and pinched the bridge of his nose, already regretting what he was about to say._

_“Fine.”_

_A half hour later he was watching a Spanish soap opera on television even though he didn’t understand a word of Spanish, when he heard a key turning in the lock at the front door, because of fucking course Aiden still had a key. He muted the telly as Aiden walked into the living room and just looked at him._

_“You’re drunk,” Aiden noted._

_Louis smiled wryly at him and winked. “Didn’t you know? Always am these days,”_

_“Are you trying to make me feel bad?” Aiden crossed his arms over his chest._

_“Yes, Aiden,” Louis rolled his eyes. “Because everything is about you.”_

_Aiden huffed and Louis gestured for him to sit down. He sat down by Louis’ feet and he looked really good, which wasn’t fair at all. Louis hated himself for still being attracted to him after everything, hated that Aiden’s eyes told stories and that he still wanted to lose himself in them for hours at a time, wanting to hear every story he could tell. But Louis supposed he wasn’t really special in that way. Everyone felt the same. Aiden’s films were very popular, after all._

_They hadn’t been alone in a private setting in months, not since before the first big fight after Louis walked in on him with that other man._

_Kissing him was honestly one of the stupidest things Louis could have ever done. His only excuse was that Aiden was sitting there wringing his hands, his hair graying attractively at his temples, there was a bruise under his left eye where Louis had punched him, and he looked kind of apologetic but too nervous to say anything. And Louis hadn’t been laid in months and he was really drunk and he’d missed him, god damnit._

_So he did it. He leaned over and kissed him. Well, attacked him really. Aiden made a startled noise in the back of his throat and froze for a few moments before finally kissing him back. Louis pushed him back against the arm of the couch and straddled him, sucking a mark into his neck._

_“Louis, stop,” Aiden gasped out, pushing at his shoulders._

_“Why?” Louis breathed, still mouthing at his neck._

_“Because I’m seeing someone,”_

_Louis finally pulled back. “Didn’t let that stop you before,”_

_“Louis,” Aiden scolded. “Come on,”_

_“Is it him?” Louis asked, looking up at Aiden with cold eyes as he pushed up his shirt and kissed down his stomach. “That same guy? Hmm?”_

_Aiden’s silence answered that question, and then it became some sort of mission to drive him over the edge, to try and prove some kind of sick point. Exactly what that point was, Louis didn’t know. Maybe it was that he could make Aiden lose his mind like that guy never could, or maybe that after everything, Louis was still more important to him. However, sleeping with Aiden again achieved neither of those things. Really all it did was make Louis feel even more like shit._

_Afterwards, Louis laid sprawled out on top of Aiden on the couch, everything sticky between them._

_“Got what you came for I guess,” He laughed harshly. His stomach turned. He was so sickened by himself. He was no better than that other guy. In fact, he was worse, because he knew he was helping Aiden cheat when the other guy hadn’t known about Louis at all._

_“This actually isn’t what I came for,” Aiden sighed, sounding defeated. “I wanted to talk everything out, apologize I guess. I’ve seen what the media’s been saying about you.”_

_“You don’t get to apologize to me,” Louis sat up and pushed off of him, walking naked to the kitchen to grab a rag and wipe himself off._

_“Just because you don’t want to hear my apology doesn’t mean I don’t want to give it,” Aiden said, having followed Louis into the kitchen._

_“You just want to apologize so you can stop feeling bad about yourself,” Louis threw the rag at him. “Not because you care about me. So no, you don’t get to apologize to me.”_

_“That’s not true,” Aiden retorted, running the rag over his chest. “I care about you, Louis. Surely you know that.”_

_Louis crossed his arms. “Well you have a shit way of showing it.”_

_“Louis-” Aiden started, but Louis shook his head._

_“I don’t want to hear what you have to say,” he pushed past him, starting to his bedroom to put on some fresh clothes. “Please leave.”_

_Again, Aiden followed him. “Then why did you let me come over in the first place?”_

_Louis threw his hands up in exasperation. “I don’t know, alright! I don’t fucking know. You’re like some sick parasite I can’t get rid of. You suck all of the life out of me and I just let you do it! Everywhere I fucking turn, there you are!”_

_He reached into his dresser drawer for the little baggy of coke he’d bought earlier that week and Aiden’s eyes widened when he saw it._

_“You’re like an itch that constantly needs scratching,” Louis continued, ignoring Aiden’s shocked expression. “And you don’t even realize what you’re doing to me, what all of this is doing to me. Everything is so fucked up. I’m-”_

_“What are you doing?” Aiden interrupted him, shaking his head and closing his eyes like he could possibly wish everything away. “You’re all worked up- you- you’re gonna hurt yourself.”_

_“Maybe that’s the fucking point, Aiden,” Louis rolled his eyes and sat down on his bed, spreading everything out. “So unless you want to join me, I suggest you leave.”_

_“Louis,” Aiden spoke softly. “Please don’t.”_

_“YOU DON’T GET TO HAVE AN OPINION ON MY LIFE ANYMORE!” Louis screeched. He just wanted it to be over. He wanted everything to be over._

_Aiden kept pleading with him but Louis tuned him out as he snorted up, continually shouting at him to get the fuck out of his house. Eventually, it worked and Aiden left. Well, Louis thought that he’d left anyway. When he left his room again to retrieve a bottle of liquor from the bar, he saw that Aiden was still there, talking to someone on the phone. Louis stumbled back to his room, ignoring him. He wasn’t even aware of time passing anymore, everything a blurry haze. Feeling dizzy, he collapsed onto the floor, his back against the foot of his bed. He felt his stomach turn again and then he threw up all over himself before passing out._

_That was how Liam found him fifteen minutes later, slapping Louis’ face to wake him up and then slapping him again periodically to keep him awake. Louis doesn’t remember a lot, but he remembers Liam crying, looking terrified. He remembers Liam telling him that Aiden had called him. He remembers Liam riding in the back of an ambulance with him, squeezing his fingers while the sirens blared loudly. And he remembers waking up again the next day in the hospital and signing a paper Simon forced into his hands, finally agreeing to check himself into rehab._

*****

Louis arrived back home in London just in time for Harry’s birthday. He headed to Harry’s straight from the airport, planning to surprise him whenever he got home from the gym. He arranged with Gemma to let them have the flat for the evening so he could cook Harry a meal and woo him. Not that Harry necessarily needed to be wooed, but Louis felt like he deserved it.

He had the chicken in the oven and was opening a bottle of wine when he heard Harry at the door.

“Gems?” Harry called out. “Whatever you’re making smells fantastic!”

Louis smirked to himself and stayed where he was, waiting for Harry to find him. He put the open bottle of wine on the table to let it breathe and then set to lighting the candles he’d set on the table.

“Seriously Gemma,” Harry rounded the corner. “What are you-”

He stopped when he saw Louis and his face broke out into a grin. “You’re not Gemma.”

“Astute observation,” Louis teased, just drinking Harry in. God, he’d missed him. They’d face timed almost every day while they were separated, but it was still different seeing him in person again. Facetime didn’t accurately capture the sparkles in Harry’s eyes or the shine of his curls, and had he gotten even taller or was that just Louis’ imagination?

Harry walked over to him and put his arms around him. Facetime didn’t capture his warmth or his smell. “Thought you weren’t coming until tomorrow.”

Louis shrugged nonchalantly. “Wanted to surprise you.”

He stood up on his tip toes to kiss him chastely but Harry deepened the kiss, bringing one hand up to pull at Louis’ hair and pushing the other one into the back pocket of his jeans and squeezing.

“Happy Birthday,” Louis said when he pulled back for air.

“Thanks boo,” Harry hummed, attaching his mouth to Louis’ pulse point. Louis’ breathing stuttered.

“Bed,” Harry murmured and Louis almost jumped up to wrap his legs around Harry’s waist when he remembered with a start that he had chicken in the oven that needed to be taken out.

“No,” Louis said, pulling back.

Harry looked at him, offended. “It’s my birthday.”

Louis nodded in agreement. “And I made you dinner. We’re eating it while it’s warm.”

Harry’s eyes brightened as he remembered the meal he’d come into the room inquiring about.

“I can’t believe _you_ made me dinner,” He put a hand to his heart, then made a face. “Is it edible?”

Louis rolled his eyes. “You’re the one who said it smelled good. If it’s not you can make something else or we can order take away.”

Harry chuckled. “Fair enough. What do we have then?”

Louis opened the oven and pulled the chicken out, then placed it on the table with a flourish.

“Chicken stuffed with mozzarella and wrapped in Parma ham,” he announced, then turned to grab the pot from the stovetop. “And a side of homemade mash.”

“Winner!” Harry smiled. “Aren’t you cute? It looks delicious, Lou.”

Louis poured the wine and served the meal. “I hope you know Harold, that this is the most romantic thing I’ve ever done.”

Harry sang his praises as they ate, telling Louis every two minutes how delicious it was and how lucky he was to have a boyfriend who would prepare a candle light dinner for his birthday. He was almost being a bit too mushy about it but Louis figured that was just a testament to how much Harry had missed him.

“What are your plans tomorrow?” Louis asked as Harry started on the dishes, insisting that he clean up since Louis cooked, even if it was his birthday. Louis didn’t feel the need to point out that he never did the washing up when Harry cooked. That was a detail he was willing to overlook.

“Took the afternoon off since you were supposed to be coming in,” Harry told him. “Suppose you’ll just have to put up with me.”

“Simon wants to meet with us,” Louis said, watching as Harry loaded their plates into the dishwasher. “If that’s okay with you.”

“Okay,” Harry said agreeably. “I have a yoga class that ends at noon and then I’m done for the day.”

“Perfect!” Louis announced, pulling out his phone to shoot Simon a text. “We can meet with him over lunch.”

“Great,” Harry poured soap into the dishwasher and closed it. “Can we go have reunion sex now?”

Louis shook his head in exasperation as Harry moved into his space again. “When did you get so thirsty?”

“When I had to spend two weeks away from your cock,” Harry retorted, reaching down to cup Louis over his jeans. “I missed it.”

Louis scoffed. “Only missed me for my cock. That’s really great Harold. Honestly, stop it. I’m getting emotional.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Harry dismissed Louis with his hand. “I missed you for your mouth too.”

“Oh, well if that’s the case…” Louis chuckled. “Race you to the bedroom.”

He darted out of the kitchen, laughing when Harry caught up with him and grabbed him from behind, carrying him the rest of the way to the bedroom.

 

They met Simon at his office the next afternoon, having brought two large bags of take away with them. The four of them –Louis, Harry, Simon, and Simon’s assistant- spread everything out on the table in the conference room, settling in for the afternoon to come up with a plan.

“Have you thought about what you want to do at all?” Simon asked Louis as he started his laptop.

“I want it to be as soon as possible,” Louis told him. “Kind of just want to get it over with. Now that I’m ready I don’t want to beat around the bush. But I also want to wait until after the Academy Awards. I don’t want people thinking I won or lost due to my sexuality, don’t want this to factor into that in any way. I just… I honestly don’t want to make it a big deal. I’m only doing this so I don’t have to hide or worry about leaving three feet of space between Harry and myself in public anymore. I don’t want to do a bunch of interviews and whatnot. This is just to get my sexuality out there in the open.”

Simon nodded, thinking it over as his assistant made notes.

“What if,” he said after a few moments. “You do it at the Academy Awards?”

“What do you mean?” Louis asked. “Pull a stunt like Liam and Zayn did or something? I wasn’t picturing anything that dramatic to be honest. That’s what I just said, innit?”

“No,” Simon shook his head. “Like, take Harry with you as your date. That way you don’t really have to make some big announcement. We can prepare a press statement and then I can schedule interviews for later on down the line when you decide you’re ready.”

One look at Harry confirmed that he loved that idea. He was sitting up straighter in his seat and struggling to keep his expression calm and pleasantly interested. Louis kind of liked the idea too.

“Yeah?” Louis asked Harry.

Harry nodded enthusiastically. “Any plan that entails me getting to dress up and go to the Oscars is a hell yeah.”

“Oh, my God,” Louis said, then turned back to Simon, his decision made. “Alright. At the Oscars. Let’s do it.”

 

Louis was going to be sick. They were sitting in a line of cars, waiting to be dropped off at the red carpet and he wanted to crawl up into the fetal position and die.

“You okay?” Harry asked, sensing Louis’ nerves.

“No,” Louis hissed. “Nope.”

Harry fingered his hair, careful not to mess it up. “You’ll be fine. Everything will be fine.”

Louis swallowed. “This is it though. This is it.”

Harry kissed him on the cheek at the car stopped. “You can do this.”

Louis took a deep breath and let it out. “I can do this.”

Someone opened the door for them and they stepped out. No going back now.

“This is way crazier than it looks on TV.” Harry whispered into Louis ear as they exited the car.

Louis let out a shaky laugh and grabbed Harry’s hand, holding on tightly. “You have no idea.”

They made their way to the carpet, the crowd going absolutely insane, several people looking at their clasped hands in confusion and shock. Louis tried to ignore all of the double takes they were receiving from fans and other celebrities alike. Simon directed Louis to his first stop and they waited as the interview before them finished.

“And now I’m here with Louis Tomlinson,” The woman said. She was from E! and she interviewed him at the Golden Globes too. Louis couldn’t remembered her name but Harry whispered excitedly that he couldn’t believe he was so close to Giuliana Rancic before Louis stepped up to talk to her.

“Hi Louis, how are you doing?” She asked him and Louis could tell she was trying to focus her attention on him rather than Harry.

“I’m great, love,” he smiled. “How are you?”

“I’m good!” she exclaimed, before moving on to ask who he was wearing and if he was excited for the night. Simon cut their time off before she could ask about Harry and they moved along.

“Liam’s doing interviews a little ways up,” Simon informed Louis. “Figured you’d rather he be the one to ask you about Harry.”

“Good idea,” Louis nodded and Harry gave him a reassuring smile. They waited for Liam to finish his interview with Claire Danes and then Louis walked up. Liam smiled at him and lowered his mic.

“The network’s doing a short commercial right now,” He explained, nodding to the cameras. “We have about two minutes.”

“Cool,” Louis said, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet in anticipation. “We’re gonna get you to ask me about Harry.”

“Okay,” Liam agreed. “I can do that. Excited for ya!”

The cameraman told Liam they were about to start rolling again and they got into place. He held up a hand and counted down before pointing at Liam to start.

“I’m here with Louis Tomlinson,” He said, eyes shining mischievously. Everyone tuning in would know they were friends and that, while this would be a short interview, it would also be a fun one.

“Well first off Louis, tell me who you’re wearing.”

“This is Burberry,” Louis told him, posing. “Been wearing Burberry the whole season.”

“And who’s this behind you?” Liam asked, his tone of voice making it clear to the audience that he knew exactly who it was. “You both look dashing, by the way.”

“Yes, I’m hot, I know,” Louis teased, then hesitated a moment before saying, “And so is Harry, my boyfriend.”

And just like that he felt like a weight had been lifted. It was out there and it was intensely relieving to finally say it. He looked back at Harry who smiled at him, a glint of pride in his eye. Louis smiled back at him before turning his attention to Liam once again.

“Nice, nice,” Liam nodded, and taking his queue from Louis -who wanted to approach this with a light hearted attitude- smiled cheekily. “Harry come here, let the people see you. Louis Tomlinson’s boyfriend and all that. No need to be nervous, like Louis said, you are very hot.”

“Don’t let Zayn hear you saying that,” Louis pointed a scolding finger at Liam as Harry joined them. Louis put his hand to the small his back and Harry waved awkwardly to the camera and smiled. God, Louis loved the dork.

“Zayn will be fine,” Liam smiled and blushed, still over the moon to talk about Zayn as much as he could. It was incredibly lucky that the media and public loved them together, thought Zayn’s performance at the Grammys and then Liam’s reaction was the most romantic thing to ever happen. Their publicists had barely had to do any damage control. Liam and Zayn already had a thriving fanbase and had been dubbed “Ziam” by the tabloids.

“Well Louis,” Liam began. “How are you feeling about tonight?”

“Nervous and excited,” Louis told him. “I’m up against some very talented competition so I’m very anxious to see what will happen. Just honored to be nominated, to be honest.”

“Harry,” Liam turned to him. “What about you? Are you excited for Louis?”

“Very excited and happy for him, obviously” Harry said, turning his charm on for the camera and smiling down briefly at Louis before looking back up at Liam. “Honestly, couldn’t be more proud of him.”

“Well I know I’m not supposed to pick favorites,” Liam said after getting the signal to wrap the up the interview. “But obviously I’m rooting for my best friend. Good luck, Lou. Proud of you, bro.”

“Thanks, mate,” Louis said and Liam gave him a hug before Louis grabbed Harry’s hand and they continued on down the carpet.

Liam was the only person who got Louis to talk about Harry on camera. It looked liked several other reporters wanted to ask but seemed to think better of it, considering everyone was doing live coverage and neither Louis or Simon gave anyone the okay. Louis was glad that Liam was the only one to do it, and he was happy with how nonchalant they made the whole thing. Louis didn’t want to make this a big deal. He’d had enough attention lately.

Louis introduced Harry to his fellow cast members when they entered the theatre since they were all sitting together. None of them really batted an eye and Louis figured that his sexuality wasn’t actually a huge surprise to the people who knew him and had spent time with him. Jennifer, who had an addiction to reality television, recognized Harry from the weight loss show and spent several minutes talking to him about it.

The audience got a ten minute to show time warning from the producers and Harry whispered into Louis’ ear that he needed to use the restroom. Louis stood up to go with him. They were leaving the bathroom when Louis quite literally ran into Aiden Grimshaw. Aiden put his hands out to steady him and Louis thanked him awkwardly.

“No problem,” Aiden smiled at him, “So, um… how have you been?”

Louis swallowed. “Good. I’m… good.”

Harry put his hand to the small of Louis back, anchoring him. The motion didn’t go unnoticed by Aiden, whose eyebrows raised slightly out of curiosity.

“Hi,” Aiden held his hand out to Harry. “I’m Aiden Grimshaw.”

“Harry Styles,” Harry shook his hand politely but Louis could sense the hostility pouring off of him.

“How do you know Louis, then?” Aiden asked, looking between them.

“He’s my boyfriend,” Louis supplied, daring him to say something.

Aiden smiled and nodded, like he figured as much. “Nice to meet you, Harry,” he turned back to Louis. “I’m really happy to hear that you’re doing well.”  
He did seem genuinely happy to hear that and now that Louis thought about it, all of their troubles were spurred on by the fact that Louis wasn’t ready to come out. Even though he went about it the wrong way, perhaps having Louis come out was really all that Aiden ever wanted. He was so back and forth and confusing and Louis had never been able to read him, not like he could read Harry.

“Well, we should be getting back to our seats,” Harry said, starting to side step Aiden, but Aiden stopped them with a gentle touch to Louis’ arm.

“I just- I want to apologize for everything that happened.” He told Louis. “I know that might not mean anything to you, but I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t apologize, because I really am so sorry. And I hope you’re doing well. I’m happy for you.”

Louis nodded at him. “Thanks Aiden. I hope you’re doing well too.”

Aiden looked like he wanted to say more, but he thought better of it and stopped himself. He looked desperate for something, and even after everything, Louis did still care about him.

“You’re forgiven, you know,” Louis added, not even realizing it himself until he spoke the words. It was true though. Louis didn’t feel any hostility towards Aiden anymore. He wasn’t sure when that happened but he figured it was probably around the time he realized he was in love with Harry. Harry was all that mattered at this point. He’d moved in to every crevice of Louis’ being, including the parts that used to stress over the guy who inadvertently drove him to drugs and alcohol. Harry took up residence in Louis’ heart, and in doing so he’d soothed all of the broken bits, mended it, made it whole again. Louis’ mended heart didn’t have room for grudges.

“Yeah?” Aiden asked, looking hopeful.

“Yeah,” Louis smiled at him reassuringly.

Aiden sighed in relief and then turned his attention to Harry. “Thanks for taking better care of him than I ever did.”  
Harry’s eyes widened in surprise but he swallowed and nodded. The lights flickered overhead, signaling that they had two minutes before show time. Aiden looked at his watch before cursing silently.

“I’m gonna have a quick wee before show time,” He said, starting towards the bathroom. “Good luck, Louis!”

Louis smiled at him before turning back to get to his seat.

“That was… interesting…” Harry whispered to him as they hurried to their seats.

“It was good,” Louis admitted, pulling out Harry’s seat before taking his own. “I think we both needed closure.”

Harry reached down and squeezed Louis hand. “I’m glad we ran into him then.”

Louis didn’t rest easy the entire show. He was just so nervous. He kept bouncing his leg up and down and Harry kept squeezing it to get him to stop. He was sure he was being annoying, disrupting their entire row, but he was far too anxious to care.

When the time finally came for Best Supporting Actor to be announced, Louis had convinced himself that he wasn’t going to win. He was almost settled with the acceptance that another year would go by without him winning an award when Anne Hathaway walked on stage in a gorgeous emerald dress and smiled at everyone as she introduced the category. Everyone turned their attention to the screen as each of the nominees’ work was shown and Harry leant over to Louis.

“I love you no matter what,” he whispered into his ear.

All Louis could do was smile at him shakily.

“And the Academy Award goes to…” Anne started opening the envelope, Louis sucked in a breath and Harry squeezed his thigh reassuringly. “Louis Tomlinson, _Take Me Home_.”

The audience erupted into cheers and Louis felt his eyes widen and his jaw drop. His stomach clenched and he looked over at Harry, whose face looked like an actual manifestation of the sun, he was smiling so brightly. Louis leaned over to give him a quick peck on the lips, because he couldn’t be bothered to give a damn anymore and Harry stood up, grabbing Louis hand so he would follow suit.

“Go get em’ tiger.” Harry said, starting to clap as Louis turned to make his way to the stage. Louis smiled as he walked to the stage and up the stairs. He took the award from Anne with slightly shaky hands before turning around to the mic and the faces of all of his peers staring up at him, trying to ignore the cameras following his every move.

“Wow,” Louis breathed into the mic. “This is so surreal. I- I’ve been nominated for a few of these but you still never expect to actually win. Wow.”

He paused to shake his head and gather his thoughts. He’d practiced this speech probably a hundred times over the past week. “Um, as you all know, I had a pretty rough year. And... It is such an honor to come back from something like that to something like this. Thank you to my family, especially my mum, and to my best friends, Liam and Zayn, who have been my rocks over this past year. Thank you to my friends at the rehabilitation center. Thank you to Simon, to George, to Jennifer, the entire Take Me Home team and family, to anyone who went to see and enjoyed the film. And finally, I know I shocked a lot of you with my date tonight… well maybe not, I mean... have any of you actually met me?”

Several members of the audience chuckled, giving Louis the courage to finish the rest of his speech, which he was the most nervous about.

“I know there’s a rough road ahead of me, and that unfortunately, many aren’t going to like me or respect me anymore. However, I can honestly say that I might not have been here to accept this award without that man sitting over there.”

He paused to look at Harry, who was smiling up at him with watery eyes.

“Harry, I just- thank you. You’ve helped me, and in the most important and special way, you’ve saved me. I love you. You’re amazing. Thank you so much.”

He looked back over to the audience at large. “This award is dedicated to all of those who are afraid to be whom they are, and who are taking drastic measures to hide from others and from themselves. I promise you that you can make it through. Thank you to the Academy. Just a big thank you to everyone. You have made me feel so incredible tonight. Thank you.”

Anne led him backstage and Louis sagged the moment he was away from cameras.

“Congratulations,” She smiled at him. “For the award and for coming out.”

“Thank you,” Louis said gratefully before he was attacked by Liam, who was backstage doing media coverage.

“YOU WON!” Liam shouted, hugging Louis tightly.

Louis laughed gleefully. “I did. I won. Holy shit.”

“Your speech was ace,” Liam told him. “We’re gonna celebrate tonight, yeah? You’ll come with us? Zayn’s gonna meet us.”

“Yeah, I’ll come out,” Louis said. “Don’t know for how long, have to check with Harry, but I’ll come out.”

“Haha,” Liam laughed. “Come out. Just did that, didn’t you?”

“That was awful,” Louis rolled his eyes. “Have you been hanging out with Harry without telling me?”

“Oh, hush,” Liam swatted his shoulder. “Go back out there and join your man. He’s out of his element.”

“Yeah, I’m gonna do that,” Louis said, hugging Liam again. “Love you, mate.”

“Love you too!” Liam said, patting him on the back. “Congrats again!”

Louis left to join Harry, who pulled him into a hug the moment he sat down.

“You thanked me in your Oscar acceptance speech.” He sounded awed.

“I did,” Louis agreed, leaning in to kiss him.

“But.. you know you saved yourself, right?” Harry pulled back to ask. “You thanked me but that was all you.”

“You helped.” Louis insisted.

“Yeah,” Harry allowed. “But only because you let me.”

*****

They were in a limo, heading from one after party to another, and Harry was drunk. Like, proper glassy eyed, tripping over his feet and slurring his words drunk. Louis kind of loved it if he was being honest. Loved it even more because he was sober and could appreciate it. Drunk Harry was extremely clingy and affectionate and his voice was even deeper and raspier than normal and drunk Harry currently had a hand pawing at Louis’ crotch. His mouth was also attached to his neck and Louis really didn’t want to stop him, but…

“If you keep doing that I’m going to have a hard on when we get to the party,” Louis told him, grabbing Harry’s hand.

Harry hummed and bit at Louis’ neck, ran his tongue over the bite soothingly, before pulling back. “Not if I take care of you now.”

“Harold,” Louis pretended to be scandalized, then gasped, actually scandalized, when Harry dropped down to his knees in front of him. His drunk fingers fumbled with the button of Louis’ jeans.

“Help me,” he insisted, pouting at Louis.

“Not sure I should if I’m honest.” Louis admitted.

“Wanna be Beyonce, though,” Harry whined and Louis sputtered.

“What?!”

“Wanna be Beyonce,” Harry repeated, then started singing as he finally got Louis’ button undone. “Oh, there daddy, daddy didn’t bring the towel. Oh baby, baby be better slow it down.”

Louis was torn between laughing and crying. He did neither of those things. Instead he just let Harry pull his pants down and get his hand around him, moaning softly as he did so.

Harry eyed Louis’ dick and licked his lips. “It’s my favorite,”

“My dick?” Louis asked, amused.

“Yep,” Harry nodded, still looking at Louis’ cock. “So pretty and thick in my hand. Especially love it when it’s in my ass. Mmmm.”

Louis cursed. Harry gazed up at him with glassy eyes, his pupils blown, and kept eye contact with him as he sucked him down. He was sloppier than usual in his drunken state and he grazed Louis with his teeth a few times, but his enthusiasm had Louis close to coming in next to no time. Harry slurped and gagged and it was basically the hottest thing Louis had ever seen. When Harry brought his hand up to join his mouth, twisting and squeezing, Louis grunted loud enough that the driver must have heard, but he only spared a few seconds being embarrassed about that before he was coming down Harry’s throat. Harry swallowed everything down greedily before he pulled back.

He looked wrecked, with blotchy cheeks and messy hair, and Louis knew he probably looked only marginally better. Anyone with eyes would be able to tell what they’d been doing when they stepped out of the car.

Sure enough, as soon as they walked into the party they ran into Zayn, who took one look at them and started laughing.

“Congratulatory quickie in the car then?” He asked, his eyes shining.

Harry nodded, draping himself over Louis from behind. “I was Beyonce.”

Zayn blinked at him and then looked at Louis, amused. “He’s proper trashed, mate.”

Louis laughed and nodded. “I know. Just popped by to say hi to Liam and then I’m gonna get him home.”

Zayn looked around. “Well Liam’s pretty drunk too. Come on. I left him talking to Ariana.”

“Ariana who?” Harry asked Louis, whispering loudly and breathing hot air into his ear.

“Grande I’m assuming,” Louis told him, grabbing his hand as they followed Zayn through the throngs of people. “She and Zayn are friends.”

Zayn led them to a couch in the corner, where Liam was in fact, talking to Ariana Grande and her boyfriend. He was swinging his arms around and his cheeks were flushed, definitely sloshed. He turned when Zayn sat down next to him and pulled him into a quick but filthy kiss, leaving Zayn a bit dazed when he pulled back. Zayn blushed and bit his lip to keep from smiling, still not used to the affection from Liam. It was kind of adorable. Louis couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen him so happy.

Louis and Harry sat down as well and Louis introduced Harry to Ariana.

“Nice to meet you,” She said, then turned to Louis. “Congratulations!”

Louis ducked his head. “Thanks,”

Ariana and her boyfriend left shortly after that, to be replaced by Ed Sheeran and Taylor Swift. Louis got up briefly to order drinks, water for himself and a vodka tonic for Harry, who insisted he was fine and could drink more. They didn’t have anything to do the next day so Louis obliged him. Taking care of a hung over Harry didn’t seem like all that bad of a time actually.

Louis was stopped by several people on his way to and from the bar, everyone congratulating him. When he sat back down Liam and Zayn were kissing and whispering to each other with glassy eyes and dopey smiles.

“They’re cute,” Harry pointed to Zayn and Liam as he took the drink from Louis’ hand. “Why aren’t we that cute?”

“We’re fucking adorable,” Louis assured him, giving his knee a squeeze.

The looks they were getting from passerby confirmed that. Everyone smiled at the two of them as Harry rested his head on Louis’ shoulder and Louis rubbed his back. He was out in public with his boyfriend, he’d won an Academy Award, and his best friends finally fixed all of their shit. Louis felt like he was floating.

*****

Louis woke up the next morning and untangled himself from Harry, who was draped around him, their legs intertwined. He was snoring loudly, something he didn’t usually do, and Louis made a mental note to tease him about it later. He left his bedroom and could smell bacon being cooked so he headed to the kitchen, where Zayn had Liam pushed up against the counter, their tongues down each other’s throats. Louis let them be, sneaking by to start the kettle for tea. It wasn’t until he accidentally clanged the kettle against the counter that Liam and Zayn pulled apart with a loud smack.

“Good morning!” Louis said cheerily, as the two of them looked at him with flushed cheeks and blinked. “Think the bacon’s burning.”

“Shit,” Liam pushed Zayn away from him gently and ran over to the stove to examine the bacon.

“Why are you in my house?” Louis asked them, pushing up to sit on the counter. “Liam literally lives right next door.”

“We spent the night…” Zayn said slowly, like he thought Louis had lost it. “Remember? We came back here after the party and Liam passed out on the couch so you told me we could just crash here.”

“Yes, I remember that Zayn,” Louis rolled his eyes. “But why are you still here?”

“Well excuse us for trying to be nice and cook congratulatory breakfast,” Liam huffed.

“How’s Harry?” Zayn asked, nodding in the direction of Louis’ bedroom.

“Still dead to the world,” Louis chuckled. “He wore himself out last night.” 

“You were okay last night?” Liam asked. “Was kind of worried about you in that setting.”

Louis nodded. “Was fine actually.. I thought maybe having Harry drink would throw me off but taking care of him kept me busy. I’m glad he had fun. Haven’t ever seen him let go like that. And Zayn was sober and kept me company.

“That’s good and hey Lou,” Louis and Zayn looked back over to Liam, who was cracking eggs into a bowl. “You’re out of the closet.”

Louis smiled widely. “I am.”

“And you have an Academy Award,”

“I do.”

“How do you feel?”

“Pretty fucking fantastic,”

He waited until the three of them were finished with breakfast before making a small plate to take in to Harry. He walked into the bedroom with a plate in one hand and a cup of tea in the other to see that Harry had burrowed down underneath the covers and moved into the spot Louis’ vacated earlier. He was still breathing evenly, sleeping deeply, but Louis only felt a little bit bad about waking him up. He put the plate of food and the tea on the bedside table before crawling in. He walked his fingers up and down Harry’s back and rubbed his face in his hair until he felt Harry start to stir. And then he straddled him. Harry grunted, his eyes still closed. Louis ducked down to kiss him and Harry finally opened his eyes when Louis pulled back.

“Morning, sunshine,” Louis said, keeping his voice soft. Harry grunted again.

“I brought you breakfast,”

Harry groaned. “No food,”

Louis laughed. “I brought you tea?”

Harry considered before nodding and Louis reached over to grab it from the table. Harry sat up enough to drink without spilling all over himself and Louis moved down to sit on his legs rather than his stomach.

“Why did you let me drink that much?” Harry asked him after he’d downed half of the tea.

“Because you kept insisting that you were Beyoncé and that Beyoncé isn’t weak.”

“Jesus Christ,” Harry shook his head. “I’m sorry/”  
Louis shrugged. “Don’t be. I got an ace blow job in the back of a limo out of it.” 

“Oh, my God,” Harry groaned and threw his head back.

Louis glanced over to notice his phone lighting up and he reached over to grab it, seeing he had two missed calls and four missed texts from Simon as well as a missed call from his mother.

He opened the texts from Simon first.

**Know you’re probably still asleep but get back to me ASAP. It’s been a busy morning.**

**I sent out the press statement this morning. You have a finalized copy in your email.**

**I know you said you didn’t want to do interviews but I’m getting a lot of calls.**

**Wake up and answer the phone you lazy twat.**

Louis sent him a quick text back telling him he’d call him within the hour and then opened his email to read the press release out loud to Harry.

_“As a result of my appearance at the Academy Awards last night, I would like to take this opportunity to confirm that I do identify as homosexual. After the speculation and attention surrounding me and this topic over the past year, I found it was finally time to come forward and acknowledge my true feelings on the matter._

_I didn’t find it fair to myself or to my boyfriend, Harry Styles, to keep our relationship a secret any longer. This was ultimately the deciding factor in my decision to come forward._

_However, even though I have made the decision to come out, I would like to stress that my private life is still my own. Therefore, I wish to keep quiet about this matter for the time being and will not be taking interviews in relation to my sexuality at the present time. I ask that the public please respect my wishes._

_The most important thing is that I have worked hard to get myself back on track this year. In my opinion, that is a lot more interesting than the gender of the person I’ve fallen in love with. Overall, everyone should know that I have worked through most of my problems and I am currently very happy and healthy. In the grand scheme of things, that’s all that should really matter, right?”_

Louis looked up at Harry when he stopped reading.

“Well,” Harry ran his hands up and down Louis’ thighs. “I guess that’s that.”

Louis nodded. “That’s that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings: in the italicized flashback at the beginning of the chapter louis has an overdose. he drinks excessively and participates in cocaine use. but the rest of the chapter is happy days :)
> 
> next update should be up next friday! and we'll be back on schedule for the last couple of chapters.
> 
> thanks again for your kind comments and kudos. they really make my day :)


	7. February II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there's quite a bit of ziam in this chapter. it seems like most of you really like the ziam arc but if you'd rather not read it, you can stop reading when it gets to zayn's perspective :)

Harry and Louis spent the next few days before their trip back to London hidden away in Louis’ house, the paparazzi camped outside 24/7. They couldn’t even spend time in Louis’ backyard. They’d done the first day and there were now pictures of them lounging by the pool on lawn chairs and talking to each other everywhere on the internet. Harry had already been approached about starring in the next season of Weight Warriors and everyone on Earth, Mars, and Jupiter wanted to do interviews with Louis. He was getting spammed with calls and emails 24/7. Simon was going to lose his shit any day now.

“Maybe you should just get it over with,” Harry suggested as he made breakfast the morning before their flight. “Obviously nobody cares that you said you wanted to keep everything private. You’ll have to deal with this,” he waved his hand in the direction of the front door. “Until you talk.”

Louis sighed from where he was seated on the counter, watching Harry go all out cooking a huge fry up in an attempt to use all of the food they still had in the fridge.

“I didn’t want it to be a big deal,” He told Harry as he sipped his morning tea.

“You’re Louis Tomlinson,” Harry said to him. “There was no way this wasn’t going to be a big deal.”

“Well nobody told me that before,” Louis said, banging his head back against the cabinets dramatically. “You all just sat there and nodded your heads like this was going to be easy.”

Harry fixed him with a look. “Nobody said it was going to be easy. You assumed. And it should be easy to come out, it shouldn’t be a big deal, but sadly that’s not how our society works.”

Louis groaned and Harry pointed his spatula at him. “How about, instead of making this all about you and how much your life sucks, you use this as an opportunity to help someone else.”

Louis blinked and fixed him with a look. “Wow Harold, tell me how you really feel.”

“I’m just saying,” Harry continued, waving the spatula around now. “You have the opportunity to really make a change here. Especially if you teamed up with Liam and Zayn. You three have been the media dream team for ages, and now all three of you have come out as gay or bisexual. Do you know how influential you could be in the minds of young questioning people? Don’t waste that, Lou.”

“What do you mean?” Louis looked at Harry in confusion.

“There are a lot of young people who look up to you,” Harry told him. “ _Little White Lies_ is still popular. So many people like me, and younger than me, grew up watching that show. They still play reruns on various networks every day. The fact that everyone’s favorite TV brothers are now both grown up and dating men is pretty huge. You and Liam are both insanely popular. And Zayn is currently at the tops of the charts thanks to the Grammys. You guys are pretty much breaking every stereotype out there. You can make a difference. You can show people that it’s possible to be gay and successful, to be gay and happy with who you are. I mean, you alone are proof that it does get better. We’re all told that, but sometimes it’s hard to believe it, especially when you’re young and in the closet.”

Louis tilted his head, wondering why this was the first time Harry was speaking to him about this. He never seemed all that interested before. Was always all ‘whatever you think is best, Lou’ and ‘no pressure, Lou’. So where on earth was this coming from?

“I didn’t know you felt so strongly about this.” Louis noted, hopping off of the counter to take a seat at the table when Harry started scooping food onto plates.

“It’s a big deal,” Harry said, placing a plate in front of Louis before sitting down across from him. “I’ve always been pretty confident in my sexuality. That’s just how I am. But even I used to get insecure sometimes. Sixteen year old Harry would have really looked up to you and Liam and Zayn. Hell, twenty-three year old Harry really looked up to Liam when he came out. And twenty-four year old Harry looks up to all three of you now.”

“Please stop referring to yourself like that,” Louis teased. “It’s creepy.”

“Heeeyyy,” Harry warned with a smirk. “All I’m saying is that I think you should use your platform. It sends a message when you come out and then don’t say anything, might seem like you’re ashamed of it. It sends a much more positive message if you fight for your beliefs. Obviously you can do what you want and I’ll back you up 100%, but I’m just letting you know my opinion.”

Louis shoveled food into his mouth to buy time while he thought everything over. He realized Harry was right. Of course Harry was right. He was always right. Having someone so influential tell Louis that everything was fine; that being gay was okay, would have worked wonders when he was discovering his sexuality. Hell, it might have even caused him to come out to the greater public sooner.

“Alright,” he said after a bit. “You’re right. I’ll talk to Simon about doing some interviews or something. But I’m gonna do this for the LGBT community, not for the media.”

“I love you,” Harry smiled.

Louis grinned. “Love you too, Curly.”

“Don’t do it if you don’t want to,” Harry reassured him. “But I just figured you might want to look at the bigger picture.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Louis nodded and gave him another smile. “You’re right. I didn’t think of it that way.”

 

He talked to Liam and Zayn about it a week later while he and Zayn watched Liam do crunches in the living room of Liam’s flat. Thank God Harry wasn’t there as it probably would have turned into some weird sit up competition and discussion on which protein powder is more conducive to ab workouts.

“And Harry thinks the three of us together would be like, really influential in the LGBTQ community.” Louis finished his spiel. 

Liam sat up, resting his arms on his knees. “You want the three of us to make a statement or something?”

Louis shrugged. “I’m not sure. I just know I want to help in some way. It’s important.”

“Yeah…” Liam nodded, his eyes staring at nothing as he thought deeply about something. Louis looked at Zayn to see if he had an inkling as to what Liam might be thinking about, but he just shrugged.

“The Trevor Project contacted me not to long ago,” Liam said finally. “They’re a LGBTQ hotline? They’ve got an event next month that they wanted me to make an appearance at. Asked me to present an award or something? I wasn’t gonna do it, but…”

Louis grabbed Liam’s iPad off of his coffee table and typed ‘The Trevor Project’ into the internet search bar.

“I’m sure they’d be happy for all three of us to go,” Liam continued while Louis read about The Trevor Project’s mission. “Even if we don’t do anything, just make an appearance. It still shows we support their cause, right?”

“Well what is their cause?” Zayn asked.

“The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning young people ages 13-24.” Louis read out loud from the website’s main page.

“This looks great,” He continued, still going through their website. “Looks like they collaborate with several LGBT celebrities: Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka, Zachary Quinto… I think we should definitely try to get involved in some way. I’ll get Simon on it for me.”

Liam nodded enthusiastically. “I’ll get my assistant to email them back as well, throw in the idea of all three of us making an appearance.”

They both looked expectantly at Zayn, waiting for him to agree that he would talk to his management and publicist about it. Zayn would end up having the hardest time getting the okay from his management so it was really all down to him. If he didn’t think it was worth the trouble, they’d have to figure out something else.

“I don’t know,” he said after a long pause, scrunching his face up. “I think I’d feel kind of awkward.”

“Why?” Liam wanted to know, putting a hand on Zayn’s knee.

“I don’t know,” Zayn repeated, putting his hand over Liam’s and linking their fingers. “I’m still kind of iffy on my sexuality. Like, Liam’s the only guy I’ve ever been interested in. Am I actually bisexual or like, am I just Liamsexual? I’m still so unsure so I don’t think I’m the greatest influence in that circle.”

“First off,” Louis started. “Please never say the word ‘Liamsexual’ again. Second, who the fuck cares who you like or what you are? The fact that you’re dating a guy is still influential. You don’t need to put a label on it.”

“Sexuality is fluid. Bisexuals and people like you -who fall somewhere fuzzy on the spectrum- need representation too, babe.” Liam squeezed Zayn’s knee.

Zayn tilted his head and chewed on a fingernail. “Yeah, alright.”

“Yeah?” Liam asked, eyes bright.

Zayn nodded and sat up a bit straighter. “Let’s do it.”

Louis left Liam’s and headed to the gym to take Harry lunch. There were two paps and a couple of fans outside, which seemed to be the norm nowadays since Louis’ popularity had skyrocketed after the Academy Awards. Everyone wanted a glimpse of Louis Tomlinson’s boyfriend too, and the easiest way to do that was to camp outside of his place of work.

Louis parked and waved to the photographers and they snapped a few pictures as he made his way into the building. He greeted Barbara and she told him Harry was finishing up a Pilates class in room four, nodding in the room’s direction. He dropped the food off in Harry’s office before going to watch a bit of his boyfriend in his natural element.

The door was open so Louis slipped inside and leaned up against the back wall, crossing his arms over his chest, trying to make himself as inconspicuous as possible so as not to disturb the class. Harry was leading the group in the same end of exercise stretches Louis recognized from his own sessions.

“And now to the other side,” he said, switching positions. He glanced up then and did a double take when he saw Louis standing in the doorway. Louis waved and Harry winked at him before turning his attention back to the class.

Louis watched for another minute or so before motioning to Harry that he’d be waiting in his office. Harry gave him a small nod in return.

Niall was in the office, rummaging through the bags of food Louis brought like some kind of scavenging animal.

“Oi!” Louis shouted at him. “Keep out of there! Not for you!”

“The fuck, Tommo?!” Niall asked, putting his hands on his hips.“You couldn’t bring me anything?! Thought we were friends!”

“Start sucking my dick on a regular basis and then maybe we’ll talk.” Louis rolled his eyes, collapsing into Harry’s desk chair.

Niall scoffed and walked out of the office, muttering something about dumb bastard clients who scheduled appointments with him during lunch time. Louis chuckled and pulled his phone out to give Simon a call about The Trevor Project. When he didn’t answer his mobile, Louis dialed the number to his office with a sigh.

“Cowell PR and Management,” the receptionist greeted after a few rings. “This is Paula, how may I help you?”

“Hi Paula,” Louis said, spinning around in Harry’s chair. “Simon please?”

“Mr. Cowell is busy at the moment,” she said. “May I ask who is calling?”

“It’s Louis Tomlinson,” Louis said wryly. Simon was never as busy as his receptionist said he was. Well, he was never too busy for Louis anyway, Louis being his most high profile and successful client.

“Oh!” Paula exclaimed in surprise. “My apologies, I’ll patch you right over Mr. Tomlinson.”

He murmured a thank you and waited for Simon to pick up, listening to the God awful generic track they had playing on loop for those put on hold.

“Simon Cowell,” Simon answered a few moments later.

“Hey, it’s Louis.”

“Yeah, is everything alright?” Simon asked, sounding slightly worried. Louis very rarely called Simon, let alone on his office phone. He usually sent him a text and if it was something bigger, an email.

“Yeah, everything’s good,” Louis assured him. “Just wanted to talk to you about an appearance opportunity.”

“You want to do an appearance?” Simon somehow managed to sound simultaneously amused and skeptical.

“It’s for an LGBT organization.” Louis told him, which was right when Harry walked in. He looked at Louis with interest but saw that Louis was on the phone and remained silent as he closed the office door behind him. Louis stood up and Harry took his place, sitting down to check his schedule on the computer.

“You want to finally do an interview?” Simon asked, and Louis could practically hear his PR cogs turning.

“Not an interview, no,” Louis clarified, starting to pace Harry’s office. “Well maybe. But I was talking to Liam. Next month, he’s doing an appearance for this organization called The Trevor Project?”

Harry’s head whipped around at that.

“It’s an American non-profit,” Louis went on. “But I think their mission is great and they asked Liam to be there so I figure it’ll be okay if they have another British guy there as well. Just want to show my support for the cause.”

“I’ve heard of them, yeah,” Simon said. “I’ll contact them, see what I can do. You just wanna make a silent appearance or should I suggest you’re willing to do more?”

Louis hesitated, but after glancing at Harry, who suddenly looked incredibly proud,  
he gave in. “I’ll do whatever they want me to do. Whatever you think.”

And Louis would probably regret that. Simon would make sure he made the biggest appearance possible, to give the media outlets something to talk about.

“Alright,”Simon said. “I’ll get back to you on that ASAP.”

“Thanks,” Louis replied, and then they both hung up.

“What was that then?” Harry asked, trying and failing to sound nonchalant.

“May or may not be doing an appearance for The Trevor Project next month,” Louis told him, plopping himself down in Harry’s lap. “Heard of it?”

Harry’s arms came around his waist. “Yeah, I know it.”

“Liam and Zayn are gonna try to get involved too,” Louis said, looping his arms around Harry’s neck.

“That’s great, Lou,” Harry smiled. “I’m really proud of you.”

He leaned in to kiss him and Louis returned the kiss eagerly, sighing into his mouth. They hadn’t seen each other much since they returned to England and Louis missed him. Normally he’d be glad for some space, he and Harry had been living in each other’s pockets while they were in LA, but Louis just really really missed him when they weren’t together. He wondered when he became so reliant on a person who wasn’t Simon.

Harry’s hands found their way up the front of Louis’ shirt and he ran his thumbs over the smooth skin of Louis’ stomach, which was finally started to show some definition. Louis tightened his arms around Harry’s neck and ran his fingers through his hair, knocking the bandana he had tied around his head off onto the floor.

He could feel Harry start to harden against his leg and pulled back.

“No,” Harry whined, surging forwards to keep their lips connected. “Been too long.”

“Love, you’re at work,” Louis said and Harry jerked his hips up.

“Mmm,” Harry hummed in acknowledgement. “I’ve always wanted to have sex on this desk.”

“Harold,” Louis gasped, an appalled expression painting his features.

“It’s like a rite of passage,” Harry explained, rolling his hips up again. “Plus, I’m the boss. Not like we can get in trouble.”

He stood up and placed Louis on the desk, moving a few stray papers out of their way. He ran a hand over Louis’ stomach and down to cup him through his jeans and Louis groaned despite himself.

“Someone could walk in,” Louis struggled to find some reason for why this shouldn’t happen.

“I have a policy,” Harry told him. “Staff knows not to bother me if my door’s closed.”

“Harry,” Louis breathed when Harry unbuttoned his jeans and started to pull them down. “Anybody could hear.”

“Well I guess you better be quiet then,” Harry raised his eyebrows and smirked at him before ducking down to mouth at Louis through his underwear.  
Louis looked down at him for a moment or two, Harry looking back up at him with wide, hopeful eyes, before he gave in.

“Fuck it,” he said, grabbing Harry by the back of his head and pulling him back to his cock. Harry hummed in triumph and pulled Louis’ underwear down. He wrapped his warm hand around Louis’ hardening length and gave a few dry pulls before standing up suddenly. Louis looked up at him in confusion and Harry winked at him before moving to his big black workout bag that was thrown in the corner. He squatted down and started rummaging through one of the side pockets before coming out with two small packets of lube and a condom. So apparently the sex on the desk rite of passage meant Harry wanted everything, not just a couple of quickie hand jobs. Louis didn’t know why he was surprised. He should have figured Harry wouldn’t want to do this halfway.

Harry pushed his way back in between Louis’ legs and ducked down to kiss him, placing the condom and lube on the desk next to them. Louis reached in between them and pushed hand into the elastic waist band of Harry’s wind pants. He got a hand around him and squeezed, Harry whining in the back of his throat when Louis ran his thumb over the tip. Harry reached for Louis’ cock and mirrored his movements.

“Wanna fuck me?” He breathed hot and wet into Louis’ ear.

Louis hesitated but then he shook his head. As much as he loved fucking Harry, this was a side of him he didn’t get to see all that often, and sometimes he just really needed a dick in his ass, for someone to take him and use him and talk dirty to him. He didn’t exactly know how to communicate that in this particular situation, but thankfully Harry seemed to read his mind.

“Want me to fuck you?” He whispered harshly, biting at Louis’ earlobe. “Take you hard and fast and so good that you have to struggle to keep quiet?”

He accented his words with sharp tugs and twists at Louis’ dick.

“Jesus,” Louis groaned, his head falling down to rest on Harry’s shoulder as he watched Harry’s hand move in between them.

“That’s not being quiet.” Harry warned him as he ripped open the lube packet and squeezed a generous amount onto his fingers. “But maybe you want everyone to hear you. Want everyone to know how much you want me. That it’s a guy in here making you feel so good. Scream my name, baby. Everyone knows now anyway. Don’t have to hide it.”

Louis bit his lip to keep from groaning again. His dirty talk kink had been a discovery made with Harry. He’d always thought it was kind of cheesy before, like something from a bad porno, but when Harry did it he got turned on beyond belief. And Harry knew it too, had used dirty talk to his advantage on several occasions. The last thing they needed to discover now was that Louis had an exhibitionist kink as well.

“Harry,” Louis panted when Harry started to tease his hole, pressing his fingers against him but not entering him just yet.

“Bit louder, babe,” Harry teased. “Nobody can hear you.”

Louis briefly wondered when the flip switched from ‘guess you’ll have to be quiet’ to ‘scream the whole bloody gym down until all they think you know is my name’ but when Harry finally pushed a finger inside him he found he didn’t really care as he moaned and bit into Harry’s neck to muffle the noise. Harry pushed a second finger in shortly after and Louis practically mewled.

“Taking my fingers so well,” Harry murmured. “Want it so bad, don’t you? Bet I could just slide into you right now and you’d take it so easily. You’re so fucking desperate for it. What do you think, Lou? Think you could take me already?”

Louis nodded frantically, wanting Harry to just put it in already. Instead Harry scissored his fingers and Louis fingers twisted into the fabric at the back of his shirt.

“Please,” Louis whimpered. “Hazza please.”

“Please what?” Harry asked, teasing another finger at his hole.

“Please fuck me,” Louis whispered, reaching for Harry’s leaking cock to get things moving.

“I don’t think so,” Harry said, taking one of his fingers out of Louis. “You’re still being so nice and quiet. Don’t think you want it bad enough.”

“Jesus fucking Christ, Harry, I’m not going to shout the building down, just fucking fuck me already,” Louis huffed, getting impatient.

Harry chuckled. “There’s my Louis,” He pulled his fingers out of him slowly and reached for the second packet of lube. Louis grabbed the condom and slid it onto Harry, who shivered at Louis’ hand on him. Harry slicked himself up and then grabbed Louis under the knees and pulled him closer to him before pushing in.

Louis’ eyes rolled back into his head and sighed as Harry entered him, starting to thrust in and out slowly.

“Harder,” Louis demanded and Harry started snapping his hips up into him in rough, abortive thrusts. Louis wrapped his legs around Harry’s waist to bring him in deeper and moaned at the new angle. He reached his hands down and around to squeeze Harry’s pert little ass and Harry’s breath rushed out and he sped up his movements.

“Haz,” All Louis could do was hold on as Harry moved, his head thrown back, the desk hitting against the wall with every thrust. “Harry, fuck.” Harry’s breath was rushing out in harsh pants and then he stilled, coming suddenly with a cut off curse and Louis’ name.

Louis reached in between them to jack himself off quickly and Harry leaned his forehead against Louis’ to watch him. He kissed him briefly, a quick slide of tongue darting across Louis’ lips and teeth, and then Louis was coming too, thick hot spurts covering his hand and painting Harry’s chest.

“I can’t believe you just got me to do that,” Louis shook his head once he started to come down from his high.

“What would you do without me?” Harry asked, reaching for the box of Kleenex in the corner of his desk to clean them off. “Our sex life would be so boring.”

“Excuse me,” Louis sat up a bit straighter. “Our sex life isn’t boring. I ordered that purple dildo online for us last week. It should be here any day now. You’re welcome.”

“I’m the one who asked you to buy it!” Harry said indignantly. “So you’re welcome.”

Louis hesitated for a minute, wincing slightly as Harry ran the tissue over his oversensitive dick.

“Are you… do you really think our sex life is boring?” He asked after a few moments, slightly worried. “Did you want to try something different?”

Harry blinked at him and then his eyes widened.

“Louis, no,” he shook his head. “I love you. Sex with you could never be boring. I’m sorry I said that. I mean, I’m not against adding stuff to the mix to spice things up. I can be a kinky mother fucker. But I’m perfectly content right now too. There’s nothing I love more than having sex with you.”

Louis nodded, feeling slightly better. “We can still try new stuff, if you want. I want you to get what you need too.”

Harry smiled and give him a soft peck on the lips. “Okay babe, we’ll talk about it later.”

He checked his watch. “There went my lunch hour. I can eat real fast. What did you bring me?”

They were dressed and sitting back down to eat when someone knocked timidly on the door.

“Harry?” A deep female voice Louis didn’t recognize asked through the door. “I know I’m not supposed to bother you if your door is shut but-”

“Is he done having sex yet?” Another voice asked. Shit, Louis knew that one. It was Niall. “Tell him to hurry up.”

“That’s not how it fucking works, Niall,” And there was Barbara. “They’re men. They can’t just hurry it up and fake it.”

There was a beat of silence, then...

“Are you telling me you fake it?” Niall’s voice was indignant.

Another beat of silence...

“Do you really want me to answer that question?” Barbara asked.

Niall made an outraged squawking noise. Harry snorted and stood up to open the door.

“What?” he sighed, crossing his arms and looking expectantly at Barbara, Niall, and the other girl Louis didn’t know. 

“We might have a bit of an emergency,” Barbara informed him.

“What do you mean we might have one?” Harry asked, suddenly alert. “What’s wrong? Is everyone okay?”

“We’re all fine,” Barbara said. “Um a mob has kind of formed outside? I’m assuming they’re all here to see Louis. But just… nobody can get in or out of the building. The phone is ringing like crazy.”

Harry ran a hand over his face. Louis cursed and got his phone out to start calling people.

“Okay,” Harry said, pointing to Niall and Barbara. “First of all, don’t talk about sex in front of people who work here that aren’t me. Sorry Carly.”

He turned slightly to apologize to the girl. She just shrugged, clearly not bothered.

“Oh, so you can have sex back here where anyone walking past can hear but we can’t talk about it!” Niall put his hands on his hips.

“Niall, not now,” Barbara put a hand on his arm. “There are bigger issues here.”

“Don’t ‘Niall, not now’ me, you orgasm faker!”

Barbara rolled her eyes.

“Jesus Christ,” Harry muttered.

Carly looked like she was struggling not to laugh.

“What are we supposed to do?” Harry turned to ask Louis.

“I’m calling my security service right now,” Louis told him, bringing the phone up to his ear. “But unfortunately until they get here, really all we can do is wait it out.”

They all stood there patiently while Louis talked to Paul, the security manager, and told him what was going on.

“They’ll have people here in about half an hour,” Louis told everyone after he hung up. “I’m really really sorry about this.”

“Not your fault, babe,” Harry said, giving his shoulder a squeeze. “I guess I’ll go do some damage control.”

He pushed out of the office, Carly following behind him.

Niall turned to Barbara once more. “Do you really fake your orgasms?!”

Barbara sighed. “Not always.”

“BUT YOU DO SOMETIMES?!”

“It’s not my fault you’re shit at oral sex, Niall.”

“WELL WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME SO I COULD FUCKING LEARN! TEN MONTHS OF FAKE ORGASMS, BABS! ARE YOU KIDDIN’ ME?!”

“Um,” Louis interrupted them. They both whipped around to face him. “Not that I’m not enjoying this… except I’m actually not at all enjoying this.”

“Shit, sorry Tommo,” Niall apologized sheepishly, scratching at the back of his head.

Louis shook his head in exasperation. “I’m gonna go see if I can help Harry with anything. Go apologize to some people.”

Barbara and Niall both nodded and apologized as well. Louis was just at the exit of the locker rooms when he heard Niall start talking again.

“Wait, so you don’t like that little circle thing I do with my tongue?”

Louis giggled as he entered the main room. Nobody was working, everyone’s attention on the windows, where there were probably a hundred fans and photographers outside with their phones and cameras flashing. Yeah. This needed to stop. He needed to do something to make all of this stop.

 

**Zayn**

It had been a little over a month since everything changed. For the better that is. A month since Zayn put it all out on the table at the Grammys, making himself the most vulnerable he’d ever been in his life. A month with Liam. A month of almost complete happiness. There’d definitely been some bumps along the way but everything was falling into place and Zayn was beyond happy. He’d even started taking apart and revamping his next album.

The only part of everything that hadn’t fallen into place with Liam was the sex part. In that, they’d yet to have it. 

Not that they were monks by any means. There had been countless more excited blow jobs and they got their hands on each other’s dicks as often as possible, but every time it threatened to go farther, Liam pulled back. When Zayn first asked him about it, about two weeks in, Liam nervously told him about his sexual history with Louis, as if he was worried it would change everything. And the fact that the first time either of them had sex with a man was with each other was a surprise, but Zayn figured a long time ago that there was probably some kind of history between the two of them that they never talked about. They were both young and in the closet when they discovered their sexuality, of course they’d experiment with each other. It made sense and he couldn't’ fault them for it, especially since it happened before they were even friends with Zayn. And Zayn told a very relieved Liam as much.

So Zayn really didn’t see what the problem was. He knew for a fact that Liam had a history of one night stands with men, and he was really confused as to why he apparently didn’t want to have sex with him. It wasn’t like he hadn’t made it abundantly clear that he was ready. Sure, he was also nervous, but he figured that was to be expected.

He decided to ask someone else for advice, since talking to Liam was getting him nowhere, which was how he found himself talking to Louis and Harry about his sex life at his flat at 3:00 p.m. on a Saturday.

“What do you mean you two haven’t had sex?” Louis asked with squinty eyes. “How have you not had sex?”

“Louis,” Harry scolded, giving him a soft backhanded slap to the knee. “Everyone’s sex life is different. Don’t be judgy. Just because we jumped into bed right away doesn’t mean everyone else does.”

“We did not jump into bed right away,” Louis retorted. “I was sexually frustrated around you for a month before anything happened.”

“A whole month?” Harry asked, eyebrows raised. “Wow, try twelve years.”

“Calm down, Curly,” Louis sat up a bit straighter, which Zayn knew meant he was simultaneously flirting and about to get a point across. “I’ve already told you I’m willing to make all of those teenage fantasies a reality. I’ll even channel Benji for you.”

Zayn watched them for a few moments as they discussed role play with Louis’ _Little White Lies_ character before he decided to interrupt. They were here to help him after all.

“As much as I’m not enjoying this weird form of foreplay you two have going on here,” He said, causing both of them to look back at him in surprise, as if they had forgotten he was there. “We’re supposed to be helping me.”

“Right,” Harry said, running a hand through his hair and blushing. “Sorry Zayn.”

“Okay,” Louis turned back to him. “So what’s the problem?”

Zayn shrugged. “That’s just it. I don’t know what the problem is.”

Louis blinked at him and Harry tilted his head and furrowed his eyebrows.

Louis spoke first. “Why are you and Liam so shit at communication?”

“Louis, be nice.”

“I am being nice. It’s not my fault they’re shit at communication.”

“Sex can be a sensitive topic, Lou.”

“They’ve both had sex before.”

“Do I need to leave the two of you alone?” Zayn interrupted again. Hell, what was with them today? It wasn’t like they were usually prim and proper around other people; Zayn had seen them kiss or subtly (at least what they seemed to think was subtly) feel each other up on multiple occasions, but he’d never seen them do this weird verbal back and forth. They weren’t just arguing, he’d seen them bicker before. There was something about this that felt like some kind of strange under the surface sexual tango.

“Sorry,” They both apologized again, turning slowly back to him.

“Why don’t you tell us what’s been going on?” Harry suggested, reaching over to pat Zayn’s knee.

“I mean, like, we do other stuff,” Zayn told them, blushing slightly. He wasn’t usually one to talk about his sex life. “But every time it starts to go farther than hand jobs or blow jobs Liam pulls away. I asked him about it before and he told me about Louis.”

Zayn looked at Louis and smirked and Louis shrugged. Harry nodded, revealing that he knew about their sexual history as well.

“So I thought that was it,” Zayn continued with a shrug. “Like, he didn’t feel right sleeping with me until I knew about that. Maybe he felt like he was hiding something and that made him uncomfortable. But that was two weeks ago and he’s still acting weird.”

“Maybe he’s worried you’ll want him to bottom.” Louis suggested.

“What?” both Zayn and Harry turned to look at him.

Louis shrugged defensively. “Liam doesn’t like to bottom. We’ve talked about it before. And like… we’ve done it before. It’s just not his cup of tea.”

Harry’s eyes widened and his jaw slackened in wonderment. “Who doesn’t like bottoming? Bottoming is like… so good.”

And well, that answered the question Zayn could admit he’d been wondering about for a while.

Louis bit his lip to keep from laughing “Wow Harold, way to sell it.”

“Well I don’t mind bottoming,” Zayn said quickly, before they could start flirting again. “I mean, I’ve obviously never done it before but I want to try it out.”

“It’s amazing, you should definitely try it. He’ll make it good for you, I’m sure,” Harry smiled reassuringly at him. And Zayn knew that, but he appreciated the gesture anyway.

“So how do I tell him I don’t mind it?” Zayn asked. 

“You say ‘Liam I would quite like for you to put your dick in my ass, please’.” Louis told him very seriously.

Zayn just looked at him. He should have watched a lot of gay porn instead of coming to these two, honestly. The internet was there for a reason.

“Louis is being a brat but actually that is kind of what you need to do,” Harry admitted. “At least before you are able to read each other, because then it gets easier. But just say like, ‘I want you to fuck me’ or ‘can’t wait for you to be inside me’. Shit like that. Honestly though, that’s all we can really say to help. We can’t give you the answers. Liam is the one you need to talk to about this. Healthy sex starts with communication with your partner.”

“Yeah,” Louis nodded in agreement. “Harry’s right. It’s a personal thing that the two of you are going to have to discuss on your own. Just bring it up and get right to the point. This seems to be a trend with you two. Communication is key. Just remember that. You aren’t going to get anywhere without communication.”

Zayn sighed. “Okay.”

“Maybe you should write a song and perform it at the next awards show and then he’ll finally get the picture,” Harry teased.

“We’re not, no we’re not having sex…” Louis started singing the tune to ‘Friends’. “Nor have we ever been…”

“So you can take the backroad…” Harry joined in, wiggling his eyebrows and earning a high five from Louis. “And my ass will bring you straight back home…”

Zayn ran a hand over his face and sighed deeply, highly unamused.

“And if you want me, like I want you,” Louis kept going, because he had a death wish. “You should fuuuuuck me, we should fuuuuuck…”

“Wow,” Zayn made a face and stood up. “So it’s time for the two of you to go.”

Harry and Louis both broke out into fits of laughter but they did end up leaving shortly after that, both wishing Zayn luck and asking him to tell them how everything turned out as they headed out the door. Zayn closed the door behind them and then stood with his back against it before deciding to go to Liam’s later that afternoon.

 

He headed over two hours later, letting himself in with the key he’d had forever. Liam was sitting on the couch in the living room, his laptop open on the coffee table with papers spread out all around him. He was on the phone and smiled at Zayn when he walked in. He motioned that the call was wrapping up so Zayn nodded and sat down next to him to wait, his back against the arm of the couch. Liam reached for his hand and started playing with his fingers and Zayn couldn’t help the smile that fell onto his face. 

Overall, the dynamic of their relationship hadn’t changed all that much since they finally gotten together. They were akready best friends who spent an obscene amount of time together and told each other almost everything. The most obvious difference was that now they also kissed and got each other off. But in all honesty those weren’t the things that made the most difference to Zayn. It was the little things. It was how Liam absently touched him and looked at him with wide open eyes, like sometimes he couldn’t believe Zayn was real. It was the fact that Zayn as well, could now look at Liam for as long as he wanted, and that he didn’t have to fight random urges, like the stupid ones he often got to run his fingers over Liam’s buzzcut.

It was the added layer of intimacy that wasn’t there before; the way they both seemed to greedily drink each other in like men dying of thirst, but men who also wanted to savor every drop as if it could be their last. Zayn craved everything, from the heated kisses to the stolen glances, and he cherished every bit of it.

“Yes, that sounds good,” Liam said to whoever he was talking to on the phone. “Just send me all of the info in an email so I’ll remember it.”

He said bye and then tossed his phone onto the table, turning to look at Zayn.

“Hi,” he said, smiling softly and leaning over to kiss him.

“Hi,” Zayn said when they parted.

“Wasn’t expecting you until later,” Liam told him, moving back to lean against the opposite armrest so they were facing each other. “Nice surprise though.”

Zayn shrugged. “Was bored. Are you busy with work? I can just hang out while you finish stuff up.”

“Nah I’m good,” Liam winked. “Never too busy for you.”

Zayn snorted. “Okay, because I wanted to talk to you about something.”

Liam suddenly looked concerned, his puppy dog eyes coming out in full force. “What’s up?”

Zayn took a deep breath. “I wanted to talk about sex.”

“Okay…” Liam said slowly. “What about it?”

“Why aren’t we having it?”

Liam made a choked off noise. “What exactly is it that we’ve been doing?”

“I mean like, penetrative sex,” Zayn clarified.

“Oh,” Liam swallowed and then shrugged, refusing to make eye contact with Zayn now. “I guess I just wasn’t sure if you were ready.”

Zayn squinted his eyes, knowing that answer was bullshit. “I brought it up two weeks ago.”

Liam bit at one of his fingernails and Zayn was perfectly content to sit in silence and wait for him to gather the courage for whatever it was he wanted to say.

“I’m nervous,” Liam finally admitted, looking back to him. “It… means more with you. And it’s your first time and I want it to be good for you and yeah, I’m just nervous.”

That was sweet, but Zayn needed to make sure of one more thing.

“So it’s not because you don’t want to bottom?” He asked.

“What?!” Liam exclaimed. “No, I don’t care. I mean, yeah I prefer topping but I can bottom too. If you’d rather. Whatever you’re more comfortable with. I’m fairly versatile.”

“Oh, because Louis said you hated bottoming.”

Liam’s eyebrows skyrocketed. “Why the fuck would you listen to anything Louis says about sex?”

“I mean… he has had sex with you before…” Zayn noted. “I didn’t think it was unreasonable to take his word for it. He said you guys have talked about it. I don’t know.”

“Okay,” Liam allowed. “You have a point there. I do prefer topping but not like, because I hate bottoming. I just like making someone fall apart underneath me. It’s fun. It’s nice to feel like I’m needed and appreciated and can make someone feel good.”

He paused and took a deep breath so Zayn smiled at him encouragingly to continue

“I get insecure just day to day,” Liam said. “And that especially comes out in the bedroom, so having that little bit of control is nice, not that being the top means you have all of the control because that’s not true at all. Bottoms have control too. Like I said, I just like making people feel good. And now I’m rambling and we can talk about this more if you want, but in short, yes I prefer topping, but I like bottoming too. And I want to do it all with you.”  
Liam took both of Zayn’s hands in his. “Also, Louis is an idiot and you should never talk to him about our sex life ever again. You just gave him fuel to tease us for like, five years.”

“Point,” Zayn chuckled, realizing Liam was probably right and they were never going to hear the end of this. Hell, Harry and Louis had already started to tease them. But he was also relieved that Liam was being open and honest with him. Harry and Louis were right; they needed to discuss these things if they were going to have a long-term adult relationship. And Zayn was pretty sure he never wanted this relationship to end.

“So we’re cool?” Liam asked after a bit.

Zayn nodded. “We’re cool.”

“Cool,” Liam smiled and relaxed back against the couch.

“Yeah,” Zayn said. “Let’s go have sex.”

Liam gasped. “Now?!”

Zayn crawled across Liam’s legs and the couch to straddle his thighs. “Yeah, wanna fuck, want you to top.”

He ducked down to kiss him, nice and filthy with lots of tongue, to let him know he wasn’t playing around. He wanted this to be it. He ran his hands up underneath Liam’s shirt, brushing his thumbs over his nipples and then scratching his fingernails lightly down his sides. Zayn hummed in triumph when he felt Liam start to harden against his thigh. He adjusted his position and rolled his hips so that they were grinding against each other.

“Okay, okay,” Liam said, pulling back from their kiss to catch his breath. “Let’s go to the bedroom. Not fucking you for the first time on the couch.”

Zayn smiled as he crawled off of him and stood up. Liam stood up as well and gave him another soft kiss before leading the way to the bedroom, their fingers loosely linked together.

Zayn hopped onto the bed and Liam retreated to the bathroom, coming back with a bottle of lube and the box of condoms Zayn knew he kept under the sink. Zayn smiled at him, because he looked nervous, before pulling him closer to the bed.

“Don’t be nervous,” He whispered as he undid the button of Liam’s jeans. “I know you’re gonna make me feel so good.”

Liam’s breathe was shaky and he nodded but his eyes were focused on nothing, almost like he was giving himself a mental pep talk. Zayn figured that was actually probably exactly what he was doing so he stood up and put a hand to the back of Liam’s neck, bringing their foreheads together.

"Hey,” He said, looking deeply into Liam’s eyes. “I love you, yeah?”

It was something they’d said before, but only on a handful of occasions. Unlike Harry and Louis, who loved loudly and said it to each other every day, multiple times a day, Liam and Zayn loved each other much more carefully, and treated the expression as something to be cherished. They’d only been together romantically for a month, everything was still fairly new, and although they did love each other deeply and strongly, their relationship was still so fragile and exciting that they approached it with caution. It was a shock to Zayn’s system every time Liam did something as simple as kissing him hello or goodbye, so saying ‘I love you’ was even more precious.

Liam took a deep breath and nodded. “Love you, too.”

“Whatever happens, I’m still going to love you.” Zayn said. “I mean, as long as you’re still here in the morning this time.”

Liam laughed shakily. “Promise I will be.”

Zayn smiled and brought their mouths together again, glad they were at the point where they could joke about it.

He pulled Liam with him as he sat down and laid back against the pillows. They undressed each other, their clothes forming a pile at the foot of the bed. Liam poured some lube into his hand and then reached in between them to work Zayn to full hardness, propping himself up with his other hand next to Zayn’s head. Zayn loved the way Liam was so much bigger than him, the way he hovered over him and crowded his space. It was one of those things that continued to surprise him. He’d always loved having small, soft, female bodies underneath him. But having Liam’s big body box him in made him feel safe and content.

Liam pumped his cock a few times before grabbing the lube again. “I’m gonna finger you open.”

Zayn winked at him. “I know how it works.”

“Still telling you I’m about to finger you open,” Liam said with a chuckle.

He kissed his way down Zayn’s body and then took his cock into his mouth. Zayn moaned and Liam hummed around him, running his tongue up his length.

He heard the cap on the lube snap back open and looked down to see Liam getting his fingers wet. He laid back down and took a couple of deep breaths, stuttering a bit when he felt Liam’s finger circling his hole. Liam pulled off of his cock, took a deep breath, and then took Zayn all the way back down, pushing his finger in as he did so.

And. Yeah, that was weird. It didn’t necessarily hurt. It just felt… weird. It was interesting combined with the warm suction of Liam’s mouth.

Liam worked his finger in and out and around a few times before pressing in again with two. And that was a bigger adjustment. Zayn wiggled around a bit, trying to get more comfortable and Liam pulled off of him.

“You okay?”

Zayn nodded. “Yeah, just... weird.”

Liam nodded back understandingly. “Give me a second and it’ll feel good.”

He started moving his fingers again, this time crooking and scissoring them, his face screwed up in concentration. It took him a few tries but he eventually ran his fingers over Zayn’s prostate, and Zayn gasped.

“There we go,” Liam hummed, placing a kiss to the inside of Zayn’s thigh before moving his fingers again.

Okay yeah, Zayn definitely understood the hype and why Harry had looked so appalled at the news that Liam didn’t like this. 

Zayn fisted his hands in the sheets as Liam slowly worked him open, panting into his mouth when he moved up his body to kiss him. Zayn reached in between them to jack Liam off as another finger entered him. His movements weren’t as firm and quick or sure as they usually were, but Liam seemed to enjoy it all the same. 

“Okay,” Zayn said after a bit. “I think… I think I’m ready.”

Liam nodded and pulled his fingers out slowly and Zayn suddenly felt so empty. It was strange and he didn’t understand it but he felt like he needed Liam back in him more than he needed to breathe. He whined and told Liam as much while he put on the condom and slicked himself up.

“I’m here, I’m here,” Liam said, kissing Zayn quiet as he pushed into him slowly.

Liam threw his head back when he bottomed out and Zayn just laid there, breathing heavily and relishing in the feeling of being so full. He clenched his ass around Liam experimentally and Liam groaned.

“Jesus, you feel so good,” He whispered harshly into Zayn’s ear as he finally starting to move. “Knew you would.”

He thrusted in and out of Zayn at a slow but steady pace and Zayn wrapped his legs around his waist to pull him in closer, wanting to feel him throughout every part of his body, wanting to drown in him.

He could tell when Liam started to get close as his movements lost their rhythm and he started moving faster, chasing his orgasm. He grabbed Zayn’s wrists and held them up over his head, hovering right over him so that their bodies were touching from head to toe. Zayn moaned at the change of angle and Liam started kissing every part of Zayn’s face that he could reach.

“I love you so fucking much,” He sobbed into Zayn’s neck. “So much.”

“Me too,” Zayn whispered back, his heart skipping a beat. “Love you so much it hurts sometimes.”

Liam nodded and then he came with a shout, collapsing on top of Zayn and running his hands down his arms. Zayn rutted up against Liam’s stomach a few times and then he was coming as well, making everything sticky and hot in between them. 

They both lay there in silence as they came down, their breathing evening out and their heart rates slowing. Zayn brought his arms down and wrapped them around Liam’s back, reaching one hand up to rub over his short, soft hair. Liam hummed contentedly.

“We could have been doing that for weeks, you wanker,” Zayn told him. 

Liam chuckled. “I’m an open book from now on.”

“Good,” Zayn said. “Not get up. We need to clean off.”

They sat up and wiped themselves off with one of Liam’s old ratty work out shirts before ordering in take away, which they ate on the couch in their underwear. They talked and talked and talked. About everything they’d been avoiding up until that point. They talked about sex and what they needed from each other. They talked about the past and about the future and everything in between and Zayn was grateful to Louis and Harry for knocking some sense into him. They should have been doing this all along. 

His phone lit up a couple of hours and another round later. He reached over Liam, who was falling asleep, to grab it from his bedside table. He then laid back with his cheek resting on Liam’s chest to open the text message from Louis.

**Are you nice and fucked?!**

He rolled his eyes and responded with a simple winky face before putting his phone back on the bedside table and curling into Liam’s side to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> communication is my kink 
> 
> and speaking of kinks one of my betas told me i graduated smut school with this chapter so
> 
> also the way simon and louis' relationship works in this fic is probably not how pr/management relationships work irl but i want them to so here's what we got.
> 
>    
> as always, thanks for your comments and kudos! ily guys :)  
>    
> [tumblr!](http://www.littlelouishiccups.tumblr.com)


	8. March

The Trevor Project was ecstatic to hear from Louis, Liam and Zayn. Liam agreed to present an award and Zayn agreed to do a performance. However, they asked for a bit more from Louis than he had been expecting. After hearing more of his story, they asked him if he’d be willing to give a speech before presenting the Trevor Hero Award at the end of the night. Louis was hesitant to agree, but he realized that this wasn’t about him anymore. This was about helping others, and if reliving the past year would do that, then there was really no reason to say no.

So they were going to New York for Trevor Live. Harry was excited because he’d never been to New York and Louis was excited because he loved New York. He was also scared shitless because he would be making a statement with his appearance, but when was Louis not scared shitless these days?

He was at Harry’s, helping him pack two days before the trip when Niall came over unannounced, which was something he’d taken to doing more frequently since Louis and Harry told him they were going to America again. Louis was sure Niall was hedging for an invite to come along, but he was having too much fun watching him drop hints about coming to tell him he already had a plane ticket ready for him. Harry had already arranged for Niall’s clients to be covered by other trainers. At this point, they were just waiting for Niall to get fed up enough to flat out ask. 

Turns out he waited until almost the last possible minute.

“You know, Tommo,” Niall started from his spot spread eagled across Harry’s bed. “I’m kind of hurt you didn’t invite me along.”

Harry squinted his eyes at him and handed him a pile of laundry to fold, which Niall took without question and started sorting through. 

“Why would he invite you along?” Harry asked, making brief eye contact with Louis and winking. “You’re straight. This doesn’t concern you.”

“I’m still an ally!” Niall barked, throwing a shirt to the ground indignantly. 

“That’s my shirt!” Gemma scolded him. “Give it here.”

Niall apologized and bent down to retrieve the shirt, tossing it to her with a sheepish expression before turning back to Harry and Louis.

Harry rolled his eyes. “You just want to go to New York.”

“Well of fucking course I do!” Niall exclaimed. “Never been before, have I?”

“I need you to stay behind to manage the gym,” Harry told him, clearly having way too much fun dragging this out.

“Babs can handle it,” Niall said. “Just like when we went to LA. And she’d be happy for the extra money. Saving up for physical therapy school and all that.”

“You’re right,” Harry allowed, and Niall’s eyes widened. “That’s why I’ve already asked her to cover for the week.”

“What?!” Niall asked excitedly. 

“I bought you a fucking ticket to New York, you leech,” Louis rolled his eyes. “You’re coming with us.”

Niall leapt off of the bed. “Really?!”

Harry and Louis both nodded at him.

“Fucking legend!” Niall shouted. “Man, I love you guys! Get ‘ere!”

He pulled the two of them into a hug and placed loud smacking kisses to each of their cheeks. 

“Absolute nutcase,” Gemma muttered under her breath from her spot in the corner of the room. 

“Love you too, Gems,” Niall said, bouncing over to kiss her on the cheek as well despite her protests not to touch her. 

Niall left shortly after that, apparently to go yell at Barbara for keeping this secret from him. Harry shook his head in amusement when they heard the front door slam closed. 

“I’m gonna head out too,” Gemma said, checking her watch briefly before standing up with her basket of folded laundry. “Haz, don’t forget we have that meeting with the leasing office at three.”

“Right,” Harry nodded. “See you then.”

“Bye Gemma!” Louis piped up.

“Bye!” she waved to them and closed Harry’s bedroom door behind her.

“What are you meeting with the leasing office about?” Louis asked, pointing as Harry held up two shirts to get his opinion. 

“Our lease is up in a couple of weeks,” Harry explained. “We originally signed to keep this flat for another year, but now Ashton is moving up here in two months. Gemma wants to see if she can keep this flat for her and Ashton. So we’re hoping I can get out of my half of the new lease and then sign on for a different one.”

“What if you just moved in with me instead?” Louis asked before thinking better of it, and he immediately wished he could take the words back. Where had that even come from?

Harry froze with a pair of jeans in his hands. “I don’t know what to say because the look of panic on your face is telling me you didn’t think that one through.”

“You’re right,” Louis admitted. “I didn’t.”

“Okay,” 

“Um,”

“Should we pretend it never happened?”

Louis hesitated. “No…”

“You’re confusing me,” Harry said, sitting down next to him on the bed. 

“Well,” Louis took a deep breath. “I didn’t really think that one through, but now that I am thinking about it... I’m thinking I still want the offer to stand.”

“So you’re definitely asking me to move in with you,” Harry clarified. 

Louis nodded slowly, more to himself than to Harry. “...Yes.”

“You’re sure?” Harry asked for confirmation once more.

Louis nodded again, this time with more confidence.

“I mean, we basically live together right now anyway,” he explained. “I don’t remember the last time I spent a night alone. You’re always sleeping over or vise versa. Half of your shit is at my place.”

“It’s not really about the technicality of it, Lou,” Harry told him. “Moving in together signifies a huge commitment. It’s a big relationship step.”

Louis nodded, moving up onto his knees. He shuffled over and straddled Harry’s lap. “A big relationship step that I want to take with you.”

He looped his arms around Harry’s neck, running his fingers through the hair at the base. 

Harry held his gaze for a long moment before breaking out into a smile. “Then, I say yes.”

“Yes?” Louis asked.

“Yes, I’ll move in with you.”

Harry smiled his big dimpled smile at him and Louis’ heart just completely melted. He was so beautiful. Louis was so god damn in love with him. They were fucking moving in together. Louis didn’t know it was possible to fall more and more in love each day, and he was beginning to think that his heart might overflow and burst open. Looking deeply into Harry’s bright, wet eyes, it was clear he was thinking the same thing.

“I love you so much,” Louis told him.

“Me too,” Harry closed the space in between them and placed a soft kiss to Louis’ lips. “Love you a lot.”

“It scares me sometimes,” Louis admitted, squeezing Harry tighter to him and burying his face into his neck. “Don’t wanna ever not be with you.”

“Good thing we’re gonna live together then,” Harry murmured, running his hands up and down Louis’s back. “Won’t be able to get rid of me. Be together all the time.”

“Do you think we’re going too fast?” Louis asked. “Moving in together after only five months?”

Harry shrugged. “Maybe. But who cares? We know what we want. It was probably going to happen eventually anyway. Who cares if it happens now or a year from now? Why wait when we know? I think I’ve always know that I want to move in with you if I’m honest.”

Louis nodded. When he put it that way, it made a lot more sense. 

“You’re the only thing that makes sense to me anymore,” Louis told him. “Us, our relationship. Like, all I know anymore is that I want to be with you. You make me want to be better: be healthy, be nicer to people, be strong... You make me strong.”

“And you make me happier than anything,” Harry said. “And if it makes sense to us, then fuck everything else.”

Louis placed a wet kiss to Harry’s neck before trailing up to mouth at his jaw. Harry brought a hand up to cup Louis’ cheek and kissed him soundly, sighing into his mouth. He always managed to kiss Louis like it was the first time. Like every time was just as important as the last or the next.

“Look at us, settling down together,” Louis said when they pulled apart. “We’re going to be proper domestic.”

Harry traced the lines of Louis’ collarbones with his fingers. “We can go grocery shopping together and I’ll make you breakfast while you make me tea in the morning, because you make it best. And we can get a dog and take him on morning runs.”

“I’m not going on fucking morning runs,” Louis scoffed. “You don’t make me want to be that healthy.”

Harry pouted and Louis giggled. 

“But think of the sweaty showers we’ll get to take together afterwards,” Harry sat up a bit straighter and winked. “Worth it, I think.”

“We can get sweaty in other ways.” Louis said. “In fact, I can think of much better ways to work up a sweat.”

“Oh?” Harry asked, grinning cheekily. “And how’s that?”

Louis walked his fingers up Harry’s chest and leant in to bite at his earlobe. “Should I show you or tell you?”

Harry shivered. “Both,”

Their sex life had started to thrive over the past few weeks and they were starting to experiment more and more. Not that their sex life was boring before, it wasn’t in the slightest, but they were now comfortable enough with each other to try new things. They knew each other’s bodies all too well, knew what made each other tick, and they were now exploring new ways to drive each other mad. Louis was having a blast, and he was pretty sure Harry was loving it too. 

“What if I do all the work?” Louis asked, sucking at the pulse point in Harry’s neck. “While you just lay there and take it?”

“Hmm,” Harry hummed, holding Louis in place with a gentle hand to the back of his head. “Well if you aren’t going on morning runs you’ll have to get your cardio in somehow.”

Louis chuckled and tilted their bodies so Harry fell back against the bed, wrinkling the folded clothes. He loomed over him and grinned, Harry smiling back. Louis had a flashback to the first time they’d had sex, how he’d been struck dumb by Harry’s openness in bed. Back then, he’d been sure he didn’t deserve Harry. That was sometimes still the case, but he was getting better at appreciating that Harry was in this whether Louis thought he deserved him or not. Harry loved him, loved everything, with his arms wide open. Louis envied that. He also sometimes worried about that, thought Harry was too trusting, too nice, too optimistic. But in the terms of their relationship, we was extremely grateful that Harry was so open. 

Louis reached for Harry’s hands and held them down on either side of his hips as he sat up on top of Harry and rolled his hips down. Neither of them had dressed for the day, both in sweatpants, and it was easy to feel that they were both half hard already. Louis leaned over Harry to grab the bottle of lube that was sitting on Harry’s bedside table. Gemma had made several comments about putting their shit away after using it, but Louis was happy to have it there for easier access.

Harry’s eyes follow Louis’ movements as he poured some lube on his fingers and then reached behind to finger himself open. And if the way Harry’s eyes widened slightly was an indication, this was not how he expected this to go. 

“I’m gonna ride you,” Louis informed him as he made quick work of opening himself up.

Harry nodded quickly, showing that he was down with that plan.

“What if-” he hesitated briefly, putting his hands on Louis’ hips. “What if like… you tie me up?”

Louis halted his movements. “What do you mean?”

“Nothing intense,” Harry said quickly, rubbing his thumbs over Louis’ hipbones. “Just like, my hands to the headboard.”

“But then you won’t be able to touch me,” Louis pointed out. “I like it when you touch me.”

“I know,” Harry said. “Me too, but if I’m tied up then I’ll really have to just sit here and take it, you’ll be doing all of the work. Just… can we try it out? Exploring new things, babe. If we don’t like it you can untie me obviously. But I think it’ll be fun.”

Louis considered him for a moment, and it seemed like Harry genuinely wanted to give this a try, so he figured they could give it a go. After all, Harry was right. They were exploring new things and maybe this would turn into something they both really liked. 

“Okay,” Louis nodded, and Harry’s smile returned. “You don’t have handcuffs hanging around here that I don’t know about, do you?”

He made a show of looking around the room and Harry laughed. “No, we’ll have to be inventive.”

Louis spotted one of Harry’s headscarves on the floor and bent over to pick it up. He held it up for Harry to see and Harry’s breath rushed out.

“Yeah, use that.” He nodded enthusiastically. “Fuck, that’s hot.”

Louis quirked an eyebrow but didn’t say anything as he grabbed Harry’s hands and moved up his body to straddle his chest to tie his hands to the headboard. He tied him gently, making sure his hands were bound tightly together, but allowing him quite a bit of give from the headboard itself. 

“How’s that?” He asked, looking down into Harry’s eyes. “I don’t want it to be too tight.”

Harry gave a few experimental tugs. “It’s perfect.”

Louis was skeptical but he trusted Harry to tell him if he didn’t like it. Still though, he asked again to double check. “You’re sure?”

Harry nodded. “Yeah Lou, I like it.”

Louis tilted his head. “Okay,”

He moved back down Harry’s body and pulled his pants off to find him now completely hard, which kind of surprised him since his own erection had gone almost completely soft during that exchange. He looked up at Harry with raised eyebrows.

Harry shrugged as best he could with his hands tied. “Told you, I like it.”

Louis chuckled. “I’m beginning to realize that.”

It was strange, because even though Harry was the one giving up the control here, Louis felt extremely vulnerable as he thought about how to go about this. He just… felt a bit awkward with all of this attention on him as Harry patiently waited for him to decide what to do next. He reached for his dick and started stroking himself lazily while Harry watched on with a hungry glint in his eye. And that’s when Louis got an idea. It was something they’d done before, something Harry particularly got off on, but they’d never done it in this position. 

“Want me to fuck your mouth?” Louis asked, moving up Harry’s body a bit.

“Oh, my God,” Harry sighed. “Yeah, please.”

Louis shuffled up to straddle Harry’s face, still holding his cock, which Harry’s tongue darted out to lick at greedily.

“Just like, I don’t know... tap on the headboard three times if you need me to stop or something.”

Harry nodded and opened his mouth up wide, so Louis didn’t waste any time guiding himself into his mouth. He thrusted in and out gently at first, until Harry gave him a look and an impatient whine. Louis started to thrust in and out in earnest then, and Harry just… took it, doing his best to work his mouth around Louis, sucking him down whenever given the chance. Louis always slowed his movements when Harry gagged, but Harry never gave any sign of wanting to stop, so Louis didn’t. 

His eagerness spurred Louis on a bit, made him less nervous, and when he finally pulled away, Harry whined. He looked wrecked, his eyes glassy and teary and his lips puffy and red. Louis always thought Harry had the perfect mouth for sucking cock. He was truly gifted with that mouth. 

“You’re so gorgeous,” Louis ran his fingertips over Harry’s swollen lips and Harry sucked one finger into his mouth. Louis about came right then and there.

“You’re a menace,” Louis told him as he pulled his finger out of Harry’s mouth with a loud pop.

Harry grinned up at him and shrugged as best he could with his hands in their predicament. Louis kissed down his torso, pausing to suck two bruises into Harry’s newest hip tattoos. They’d been a surprise. Harry told Louis he was thinking about getting another tattoo, but he didn’t tell him when or where, and when Louis showed up back in London after a weekend in Doncaster, he about swallowed his tongue when Harry took his shirt off for reunion sex. 

In short, he was obsessed with the new tattoos. Thought they were sexy as all hell and he spent a lot of time pressing his fingers into them and kissing them. 

“You love those a lot, don’t you?” Harry asked breathily.

Louis looked up at him through his eyelashes and nodded. “Love you a lot.”

“Love you more,” Harry said, batting his eyelashes with a goofy grin on his face.

“Idiot,” Louis said fondly, and without any warning, he sat up and planted himself on Harry’s cock. 

Louis hissed at the stretch but it was worth it for the way Harry threw his head back with a shout, his hands pulling against his restraints. Louis sat still for a moment, allowing them both to adjust, and Harry huffed out a laugh.

“Jesus Christ,”

“No,” Louis shook his head. “Just Louis, actually.”

Harry rolled his eyes. “You did not just make that joke.”

“Mmm,” Louis raised himself up and then slammed himself back down. “I’m afraid I did.”

“Fuck!” Harry groaned, rocking up.

“You were right,” Louis said, rolling his hips. “This is fun.”

He started to rock against him, using his hands on Harry’s stomach to steady himself, trying to find a good rhythm. Harry began to rock his hips up as well and together they somehow managed to find Louis’ prostate, hitting it almost every time Harry thrusted up and Louis sank down.

“Hazza,” Louis whispered in awe and he jostled their movements by leaning forward to kiss him before sitting back up and fucking himself fast on Harry’s cock.

It felt amazing, but wasn’t enough. He wanted Harry to touch him, needed Harry to touch him.

“Need you to touch me,” He told him, reaching up to untie his hands and Harry nodded, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. 

It took a second for Louis to untie the scarf. He’d done better work than he thought, but as soon as he was free Harry brought his hands down to Louis’s hips and Louis sighed in relief. He put his hands over Harry’s and Harry began to move them both, moving Louis’ body as he rocked up into him. 

“Haz,” Louis squeezed his fingers, feeling overwhelmed. It was all too much, first having Harry trust him enough to tie him up, then having Harry give him exactly what he needed in return. He loved him so much, basked in their give and take. “Hazza.”

He slumped over him, biting and panting into his shoulder. The new position caused friction on his cock as it rubbed in between their bellies. He moved Harry’s hands to cup his ass and then reached in between himself to jack himself off. 

“Harder,” He sobbed into Harry’s ear. “I need- please Harry, harder.”

He wondered when he went from being the one in control to the one begging, but he didn’t think about it for long as Harry pounded so hard into him that he shoved Louis’ body up the bed. And then Louis was coming, his back arching off of the bed as he continued to jack himself off. Harry pulled out when Louis went limp and started to jack himself off as well, emptying himself out onto Louis’ stomach before collapsing on top of him, still shuddering. 

“You okay, babe?” Harry asked him after he caught his breath. “You got kind of worked up.”

“I just love you,” Louis said. “You… you trust me so much and that’s… that’s just-”

He shook his head. He couldn’t find the words to express how amazing Harry’s love and trust made him feel. He was dazed and overwhelmed. Harry kissed him, swallowing all of the words Louis didn’t know how to say, and then he held him as Louis calmed down. 

“It was good, right?” Harry asked after a while. “We’re figuring everything out? We’re good?”

Louis sat up and nodded. “So good.”

“Good,” Harry said. “Because we’re gonna have to wash all of these clothes again before I can pack properly.” 

Harry started laughing and Louis fell back against the sheets and now wrinkled clothes and giggled. “Worth it.” 

*****

The trip to New York was much like the one they had taken in January to LA, the only exception being that Zayn and Liam were talking to each other this time around so the five of them flew out together, rather than Liam arriving separately the next day. Both Simon and Zayn’s management arranged for photographers to get a few shots of all of them leaving JFK. Louis only wanted to do this as a highly publicized thing once, and Simon was taking full advantage of that. 

They had a free day to play around the city before they needed to get down to business and Louis was supposed to call Simon and let him know where they’d be so he could set up photographers. It was all a bit stupid and Louis felt like it was overkill but he figured he should put on a brave face for the LGBT community and for Harry.

When they exited the airport and the photographers started swarming, Louis took hold of Harry’s hand, leading him to the car that was waiting for them. Niall skipped ahead of them without a care in the world, with Zayn and Liam trailing behind. 

“I’m never going to get used to that,” Harry said once they were safely in the car with the door shut behind them.

“Not always this bad,” Louis assured him. “I think Zayn’s got it the worst.”

“And even I don’t usually have it this bad,” Zayn said with a shrug. “Unless I’m promoting something.”

“You’ve done a red carpet, babe,” Louis told Harry. “Everything else is downhill from there.”

Harry sighed and nodded and then turned his attention to the city, gazing out of the window with Niall in excitement. They were like a couple of eager puppies, pointing out various landmarks they’d seen on television and in the movies. Liam indulged them with information, as if he were a tour guide, while Louis and Zayn watched each of their boyfriends fondly. 

“We’ve gotta go to Times Square!” Niall exclaimed and Harry looked over at Louis with hopeful eyes.

“Babe, can we go to Times Square?!” 

Louis hesitated. The last thing they needed was to get mobbed in Times Square. It would have to be an entire ordeal and he’d have to get a security team to go with them, which he didn’t really want to deal with. And Times Square wasn’t even that big of a deal to begin with- just crowds of obnoxious tourists.

Harry, noticing his hesitation, grabbed his hand and leaned into him a bit. “Please, Lou,”

Louis made eye contact with Zayn briefly, who winced in sympathy, obviously knowing exactly where Louis’ mind was.

“I want to show you the city, Haz,” Louis said gently. “But not Times Square. I don’t want to get mobbed and the crowds there are ridiculous. You and Niall can definitely go though. I’ll arrange a car for you and everything, and then we can do something together later?”

Harry pouted but nodded his head in understanding.

“I think Simon wanted to get pictures of us walking around the city. I’ll take you shopping on Fifth and Madison,” Louis suggested. “Burberry, Alexander McQueen…”

He ran his fingertips over Harry’s wrists. “We can get you a new scarf.” 

Harry’s breathing got a bit heavier and Louis winked at him, squeezing his wrists a bit more firmly. 

“Yeah, okay,” Harry swallowed. “That sounds fun.”

“Does sound fun,” Louis agreed, leaning over to give him a quick peck on the lips.

They turned their attention back to the rest of the car, who were all watching them in bemusement, as if they knew exactly what was going through their heads when there was no way they possibly could. Still, it made Louis a bit squirmy.

Niall blinked at them a few times before jumping up and down in his seat again.

“Can we get hot dogs from a street vendor?!”

 

They dropped Harry and Niall off at Time Square before the rest of them headed to their hotel. Harry and Niall promised to catch a car to the hotel before lunch time so they could all go eat and then to the shops. 

Louis and Liam reserved a large suite for the five of them to share and Louis, Liam, and Zayn all settled in while they waited for Harry and Niall to get back. After they decided which rooms were whose and had their bags brought up, Liam and Zayn retreated to take a short ‘nap’ and Louis called Simon to tell him their plans.

“I’ve got photographers lined up,” Simon told him as Louis sprawled across one of the couches in the living area. “And I’m at Heathrow waiting for my flight right now. I’ll be there later tonight and we can touch base again in the morning. Call the office if you run into anything, I’ve got a few people on standby in case you need something while I’m in the air. And Alberto is on call if you need security.”

“Sounds good Simon,” Louis said. “Thanks,”

“No problem,” Simon replied. “Is Liam around? I’ve got Celia here with me and she wants to touch base with him too.”

Louis almost got up to find Liam and tell him his publicist wanted to talk to him but then he remembered that he was taking a ‘nap’.

“He’s having sex right now,” Louis told Simon very seriously. “So I don’t feel like interrupting, but I know he and Zayn were planning on going shopping with us.”

“Alright,” Simon said with a laugh. “Let him know Paddy’s on call too.”

They went over a few more things before hanging up, and Louis decided he’d take a small nap too… a real one, to try to beat the jet lag. He stripped down to his pants and fell asleep easily despite the moans coming from Liam and Zayn’s room. He honestly regretted giving Zayn sex advice. They’d turned into a couple of teenagers with no refractory period overnight and it was all almost a bit too much... but he supposed he was happy for them too.

Louis woke up a couple of hours later to Harry joining him by taking a seat on the edge of the bed. 

“Hey sleepyhead,” Harry said, rubbing his back.

“Hey,” Louis stretched. “Did you and Niall have fun?”

“Tons!” Harry told him. “It’s just like in the films!”

Louis listened to him as he babbled on about the two hours he’d spent with Niall. 

“And there’s a giant store store just for m&m’s. Like that’s it. Just m&m’s from floor to ceiling Oh, and I got recognized!” Harry said, and that last bit caught Louis’ attention.

“Really?”

“Yeah, some girl, probably still in uni. Asked me if I was Louis Tomlinson’s boyfriend.”

Louis raised his eyebrows. They’d never really planned what to do if Harry was recognized when he was out and about without Louis. He got recognized from Weight Warriors sometimes, and from his DVDs, but this was sure to be different.

“And what did you say?”

“I said that yes I was,” Harry shrugged. “She said she recognized me from the Oscars and asked for a picture so I took one with her.”

“You’re already a better celebrity than I am,” Louis teased. He hated taking pictures. “And I’ve been doing this for twenty years.” 

Harry chuckled and Louis got up and dressed so they could meet the other guys in the living room before they all headed out together. And then they set out on a -for the most part- peaceful afternoon outing. They got papped eating lunch outside on a cafe patio and at the first two shops, before the photographers got what they needed and continued on with their lives. For the most part, they weren’t bothered. Zayn was recognized the most and therefore brought the most attention to the rest of the group. Niall got a kick out of a group of Southern tourists asking him if he was a celebrity as well. 

Harry lost his shit in Alexander McQueen when Louis bought him three scarves and they had a brief argument about Louis spoiling him and spending too much on him. He calmed down a bit when Liam and Zayn both came out of Armani with their arms full and Louis threatened to buy him some stuff from there as well. 

After shopping they made it an early night, opting for room service for dinner and then after watching a stint of telly they all went to their separate rooms to shower and get ready for bed.

Leaving the bathroom still a bit steamy from his shower, Louis crawled into the hotel bed next to Harry, who was propped up with his back against the pillows with his laptop on his stomach.

“Watcha doin?” Louis asked, cuddling up next to him and resting his cheek against Harry’s shoulder.

“I googled you,” Harry said, nodding his head to the screen. “The pap pics from the airport are everywhere.”

He angled the laptop so Louis could look with him. All of the tabloids and news outlets showed pictures of Louis and Harry as well as Liam and Zayn. And the difference in how the couples held themselves was somewhat staggering. Liam and Zayn, who were both used to the cameras and the attention, were shown holding hands and waving, Liam with a bright smile and Zayn with a more tight lipped, forced smile. It was clear they were both used to the attention. 

The pictures of Louis and Harry on the other hand, were very different. Harry looked uncomfortable, his head ducked down, and Louis appeared very protective of him. He was holding tightly onto Harry’s hand in some of the pictures, and in others he was guiding him with a hand to the small of his back. He’d also angled himself so that he was shielding Harry somewhat. It was strange, because he didn’t even remember consciously doing that, but their defensive body language was very easy to read when presented side by side with pictures of Liam and Zayn.

There were also a few pictures of Niall with the rest of the group, and several outlets were wondering who the “mysterious blonde boy often seen with Louis Tomlinson” might be. 

Everyone was speculating what they might be doing there in New York, and only the Daily Mail had it right, stating that the group was back in America for The Trevor Project’s semi-annual Trevor Live event. Louis assumed Simon sold them the story.

“Everyone says I’m gorgeous and that you did a good job with me.” Harry informed Louis.

Louis rolled his eyes and settle down farther into the sheets with a yawn. “I already knew that. I don’t really want to look at what people are saying.”

“I’m only seeing good things, Lou,” Harry said comfortingly. 

“Well that’s nice,” Louis told him. “But if we keep searching we’re gonna end up finding some bad things.”

Harry sighed and closed his laptop. “I guess you’re right.”

He put the laptop on his bedside table and turned off the lamp before snuggling down next to Louis. He put his arm around him and Louis rested his head on Harry’s chest. 

“I think this is my favorite place.” Harry murmured, his breath tickling Louis’ hair.

“This New York hotel?” Louis asked skeptically. 

“No,” Harry said with a snort. “I just mean… In bed with you. Not even like, having sex. I mean that’s great too, but just… being with you in bed. Cuddling. Having you lay on my chest. It’s my favorite.

It was a totally cheesy thing to say, but Louis understood. There was something about the easiness of it. Trusting someone enough to fall asleep on them, being with them in the simplest way, being lulled asleep to the sound of their heartbeat becoming one with yours. 

“Me too,” Louis replied, tapping his fingers against the butterfly on Harry’s stomach. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Harry said and placed a kiss to the top of Louis’ head. 

*****

Two days later found them on another red carpet. Louis was simultaneously more and less nervous than he’d been for the Oscars. On the one hand, he wasn’t telling these people something they didn’t already know, and he wasn’t nominated for something that could change his career. On the other hand, he was going to be opening up to these people more than he’d opened up to anyone except Harry, Liam, Zayn, and his therapist. It was scary as all hell.

The five of them arrived as a group, which Louis supposed was just as big of a statement as any. Louis and Liam, the bromance dream team, with their hot successful boyfriends and the random Irish blonde guy. The media was going to eat this up. 

“This is a bit tamer than the Academy Awards,” Harry told Louis as they walked hand in hand to the carpet.

“This is tame?” Niall asked incredulously. He looked nervous. It was probably the only time Louis had ever seen him nervous.

“This is very tame,” Liam told him, and he was correct. It was still a bit of a madhouse, but as far as red carpet events went, this wasn’t extremely overwhelming. And all of the fans were in rainbow. Which was a cool thing Louis hadn’t considered. 

“You should stop for some autographs, Lou,” Harry told him, nodding to a group of screaming teenagers at the edge of the carpet. 

Louis looked to Simon, who nodded his head. “That’s fine. We’ve got a bit of time. All five of you should go… Well, maybe not Niall.”

Harry laughed, but Niall seemed a bit relieved.

They made their way over with bright smiles and the group started jumping up and down. 

“Hi,” Louis said to a boy with blonde hair at the edge of the group while Harry remained a few paces behind.

“This is unreal!” the boy exclaimed. “Wow, you’re like my favorite actor.”

Louis chuckled. “Thanks, love.”

“Will you take a picture with me?” the boy asked excitedly.

“Sure,” Louis said reaching for the boy’s phone to take a selfie of the two of them.

“Can your boyfriend be in it too?!”

Louis tilted his head and shrugged. “Harry!”

Harry walked over, his face pleasantly interested. “Do you need me to take a picture?”

“No I was wondering if you’d be in the picture too!” the boy said. 

“Oh!” Harry said. “Um, sure?”

He leaned in and Louis took a shot of the three of them, then gave the boy a hug before moving on down the line to take a few more pictures and sign some phone cases.

The actual carpet was pretty easy, just a bunch of people telling him it was great to see him supporting an LGBT cause and that they were proud of him for coming out and happy for his Academy Award. A few interviewers asked him how he met Harry and Louis confirmed that Harry was his personal trainer and he met him after his stint in rehab. He also got asked about any upcoming projects and said he didn’t have anything lined up quite yet but was almost ready to start working again and that he’d been looking at scripts.

It was one of the best nights Louis had spent in public in a long while. Everyone was amazingly supportive and everyone was gay and proud. And everyone was there because they wanted to offer support, which was so important. Louis and Harry mingled during the show, always making it back to their seats in time for a performance or award. Zayn sang a new song, which Louis knew was meant to be the first single on his new album and Liam presented an award to Mary Lambert. 

When the time came for Louis to present at the end of the night, he wasn’t nearly as nervous as he thought he’d be. He went backstage to get prepped about twenty minutes before hand and then walked out onto the stage with a huge smile when his name was announced.

“Hello,” He said into the mic and everyone smiled up at him. “I’m gonna pull my speech out, no judging.”

The audience chuckled as he retrieved his speech from his breast pocket and unfolded the pages.

“I didn’t know much about The Trevor Project until about a month ago,” Louis started, clearing his throat. “But I wish I had known about them sooner, because their mission is extraordinary.”

He paused to glance at his notes and prepare for the long haul of his speech.

“I contacted The Trevor Project about a month ago, to see how I could get involved, and they asked me here today to tell you my story, to tell you all that I am no different from each and every one of you. Every day I wake up and worry what the world will be saying about me. Do I look too skinny or too fat? Does my new tattoo look stupid? Should I not have worn that outfit? Do I look too gay if I stand like that, walk like that? This isn’t something that is singular to my experience. These are questions everyone asks themselves. And it sucks to still be asking yourself those questions… because I don’t know about everyone else, but thought I was supposed to come to terms with my sexuality when I came out to my friends and family when I was eighteen.”

“That’s what everyone says, right? You just have to come out to your loved ones and it’s so much easier from there. But I think we all know that in today’s heteronormative society, it can be extremely hard to ever come to complete terms with yourself. I’m now out to the public, I know my family and friends love me and will support me through everything, I have an incredible boyfriend who helped me save my life, has become my rock, whom I love more than anything, who shows me that he loves me every day… and yet I am still struggling. I have been battling with my sexuality for over ten years. And that battle led to a struggle with drug and alcohol addiction, as well as some internalized self-hate. All of these struggles together resulted in an over-dose and an attempt to end my life last summer.”

Louis took a shaky breath. This was the first time he’d talked about all of this so publicly. 

“I turned to these false solutions because I was feeling alone and scared, and even though I am now eight months sober I-”

The audience cut him off with a round of applause. Louis’ breath rushed out and he smiled and nodded his appreciation as he waited for the claps to die down.

“And even though I am now eight months sober,” He started back up again. “I do still have my troubles... I think that for a lot of people, it’s sometimes hard to believe that someone like me, who appears to have it all, can still be so scared and wanting. Every day is a journey and every journey is different. We all struggle.” 

He paused to look up at the audience to see that everyone was looking at him with rapt attention, some with sad smiles and others with teary eyes.

“But I have now realized that the struggle is what makes all of this so beautiful. The fact that we are struggling shows that we are alive, that we have something to fight for, and I am finally ready to start fighting for the LGBTQA community.”

The audience erupted into cheers again.

“With community comes support. For the longest time, my community consisted solely of my best friend Liam Payne.” He paused to find Liam in the front row and they shared a smile.

“I remember the day I came out to Liam like it was yesterday. I had just broken up with my girlfriend at the time -because we all try to be straight for a little while- and I sat him down all serious and told him I needed to tell him something. And when I told him I was gay, he started laughing and said “Oh, thank God. I think I might like boys too” and we hugged each other and cried and laughed for hours. And then we made out, which looking back on it, was really fucking gross.”

The audience chuckled and Louis noticed a cameraman turn to focus on Liam, who was shaking his head in amusement.

“We discovered our sexuality together.” Louis admitted. “I was so incredibly lucky to have the person closest to me, someone who has known me since I was seven years old, my best friend, go through that with me. And I’m speaking to all of the questioning young adults out there when I say that you’ve got to have a support system. Doing this alone is so hard and it’s not necessary. With The Trevor Project you have round the clock support, people who want so much to help you. If you don’t have a Liam, I encourage you to reach out to The Trevor Project for help. And even if you do have a Liam, extra support never hurts. That’s what all of this is about. We’ve got to help each other, we’ve got to lift each other up.

“I don’t feel like I’m the right person to tell you all this; you already know this. I am still so young and I feel very hypocritical standing up here and saying these things, especially when I am still discovering everything myself. All I really know is that -and this is the most cliché phrase in the world- but it does get better. It. Gets. Better. It is possible to hit rock bottom and find your way back up. I’m an example of that. And I’ll end with this: I found the courage to come out because of love, because I fell so quickly and deeply in love that I didn’t think it was fair to myself or to my boyfriend to hide that love away any longer. I’ve learned that love is worth it. Don’t let anyone tell you who you can or cannot love and never let that person be yourself. There is so much magic and beauty and warmth you are missing out on by doing that.

We can do this. You can do this. And just, thank you.”

His eyes found Liam’s in the audience as everyone gave him a standing ovation, and then Zayn’s. Both of them looked unbelievably proud and Louis felt so much love for his best friends in that moment that he didn’t think it was possible to feel anymore full when he looked at Harry, who nodded and gave him a teary smile. But he did. He felt so full. Yeah, he’d finally made it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am aware that trevor live is never in march. 
> 
> we've just got the epilogue left! thank you guys so much for reading :)


	9. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo this is it! Just a massive, _massive_ thank you to anyone who read, commented, left kudos, etc. 
> 
> And also a huge shout out to the homegirls in the doc (my AMAZING betas). Chelsea, for being the best, most encouraging cheerleader ever and for helping me with literally whatever I threw your way. Hafsa, for indulging me in conversations about countless trainer Styles imagines before this story was ever written. And Carly, for never failing to badger me about getting off my ass and writing. I love you guys so much xoxoxoxox

Harry was stressed. Harry was stressed and he didn’t do stress. Harry did yoga. He did yoga and he did meditation and he did blow jobs. But he didn’t do stress. He especially didn’t do stress when it involved his husband, yet here he was. Stressing. All because Louis was coming home after an almost two month stint of work and Harry just had too much to do before they left two days later for Los Angeles. There was a house to pick up and a children’s football league game to go to and reunion sex to have. 

He pulled into the garage of their house with a sigh and grabbed the bag of groceries he’d picked up on his way home from the gym. The gym he’d sold to Niall five years back, although he still went in part time during the week to teach a yoga class and help out with business-y things. He still considered that gym his baby, he was protective of it, and Niall understood that. Let Harry come in to do whatever he wanted to do. Was grateful for it. 

When Harry walked through the door into the kitchen, someone was crying. Proper wailing somewhere within the house. He could hear the soft, soothing tones of Caroline’s voice and figured all was fine so he unloaded the groceries rather than freaking out, like he would have ten years ago. The crying stopped while he putting everything in its proper place, before traveling deeper into the house to see what all of the fuss was about. He spotted Darcy in the living room where she was lying backwards on the couch, with her feet in the air and her head hanging off the end. Her long blond hair brushed the floor as she watched telly and texted on her phone.

Harry pushed her feet over so that she fell down.

“Dad,” she said, exasperated.

“Don’t sit like that,” he replied simply. She kicked off the couch and stood up before plopping herself back down on her arse.

“Better,” he noted, before gesturing to the house at large. “What’s all the fuss?”

Darcy rolled her eyes and sighed dramatically, already possessing extreme Louis levels of sass at the age of thirteen. “Something about Mia and the cat. They just went out to the backyard.”

Harry looked up to the floor-length windows that showed the backyard, to see Caroline standing outside with Mia and Elliot, all three of them looking up at a tree. He pushed open the door and made his way over to them.

“What’s up?” he asked. Elliot and Mia turned to look at him. Mia’s face was blotchy and tear stained from crying. Elliot, on the other hand, looked sheepish.

“Daddy!” Mia ran over and made grabby hands. He picked her up, settling her onto his right hip.

“Daddy,” she hiccuped, getting teary eyed again. “Ellie scared Willie and he scratched me and then ran up the tree and now he won’t come down!”

She held her arm up to show him the scratch on her forearm. It wasn’t deep enough to cause any bleeding, so Harry decided he’d worry about it later. He placed a kiss to the scratch and then turned to Elliot.

“Elliot,” He fixed the six year old with a hard stare. “What have I said about harassing the cat?”

“That it’s not nice,” Elliot mumbled, staring down at his shoes. They’d been through this at least five times before, which mean Harry needed to administer some kind of punishment. 

“Apologize to your sister and then go up to your room,” Harry said gravely. “You have ten minutes time out.”

“But!” Elliot protested, but Harry interrupted him.

“Would you rather it be fifteen?”

Elliot looked like he might argue, but he sighed instead, throwing his head back dramatically.

“Fine,” He turned to Mia. “Sorry, Mia.”

“It’s ‘kay” Mia mumbled, burying her face into the crook of Harry’s neck. Elliot stomped through the yard and into the house while Harry turned to Caroline and let out a deep breath.

“Hello, love,” he greeted her. “You alright?”

“Good, I’m good,” she smiled and he held Mia out to her so he could coax the cat down from the tree. “What about you, darling? You excited?”

Willie jumped onto his shoulder and he grabbed him, winking at Caroline. “Couldn’t be more excited. A bit stressed though. Got so much stuff to do before we leave again.”

Louis was coming home from a stint doing press junket in The States and around Europe for his new film. He’d been gone for six weeks and Harry felt like he was going out of his mind. He missed him so fucking much, felt like a part of himself was missing, almost like he was hollow, when Louis wasn’t around. It wasn’t a new feeling, he went through this every time Louis was gone for work, but that still didn’t make it any easier.

“When’s he supposed to arrive?” Caroline asked as they made their way back to the house.

Harry checked his watch. “Within the hour! His flight gets in around five and he’s taking a car from the airport. You’re free to go home early. I’ve got everything covered from here.”

She put Mia down in the living room and the toddler scampered off to bug her older sister, who was now painting her nails on the coffee table. Harry didn’t have the energy to tell her to be careful not to spill the bottle everywhere.

“I’ve got a crockpot meal going,” Caroline informed him as they walked back to the kitchen.

“You’re a gem,” Harry said, writing out a check to pay her for the week. “And all’s good to go to California with us in a few days?”

She nodded. Caroline and her husband and kids were coming along to Los Angeles for the premiere of Louis’ new movie. Caroline agreed to watch the younger ones while Harry and Louis attended the premiere and she decided to make a vacation out of it, bringing her family with her. Louis and Harry were going to surprise them with tickets to Universal Studios and Disneyland.

“Where’s Connor, by the way?” He asked as he handed her the check. “Playing video games in that vortex of a room?”

Caroline laughed. “What do you think?”

Harry sighed and shook his head. Connor might have Harry’s DNA, but he was all Louis when it came to his interests and hobbies. They did gestational surrogacy with Darcy and Connor, Darcy with Louis’ sperm and Connor with Harry’s. At the beginning that was going to be it, they’d only planned on having two. But after a few years, Harry asked Louis how he felt about having some more. Louis was happy with whatever Harry wanted, so they adopted Elliot first, and then Mia two years later. Harry could never be more grateful that they did; their family hadn’t been complete without them.

Caroline left and Harry trudged up the stairs to let Elliot out of time out. He was sitting criss-cross apple sauce in the middle of his bed, staring mournfully off into the distance with is chin in his little hands. Harry joined him and sat down on the bed as well, tucking one leg underneath him.

“Why do I always tell you not to be mean to Willie?” Harry asked him.

Elliot sighed. “’Cause it scares him and he can hurt people when he’s scared. I’m sorry.”

“That’s right,” Harry nodded. “And that’s okay. I think you need to go find Willie and give him a kiss and apologize to him too. What do you think?”

“Yeah,” Elliot nodded, jumping up.

“First!” Harry said loudly before Elliot ran out of the room. “We need to finish packing for your sleepover at Uncle Niall and Auntie Carly’s tonight.”

Niall called the day before, said he and his wife would take the kids for the night after they reunited with Louis, so that, “you and Lou can start rechristening every part of the house, you cheeky bastard”. After weeks of rushed, quiet phone sex, Harry would have to be an idiot not to take Niall up on that offer.

“We’re going to Uncle Niall and Auntie Carly’s?!” Elliot asked excitedly.

“Yep,” Harry said, opening up his closet. “So you can play with Bobby and Fiona after we have dinner with Papa and you give him lots of hugs.”

They went through Elliot’s closet and drawers, picking out a pair of pajamas and an outfit for the next day. Harry was always of the opinion that they let the kids dress themselves, let them present in the way they wanted. It made for some pretty amusing outfit choices at times, but it was necessary to ensure the kids’ happiness. Their happiness was always his first priority.

“And tomorrow you’re going to breakfast with Uncles Liam and Zayn,” Harry told Elliot as they packed an overnight bag. “And then when you get back we’re gonna spend the day with Papa. Sound good?”

Elliot nodded enthusiastically. “When’s Papa gonna get here?”

Harry glanced down at his watch. Louis’ flight should have already arrived so he pulled his phone out of his back pocket to see if Louis’ had texted him. Sure enough, he had a missed text from eight minutes prior.

**Officially back in London! See you in a few! xx**

“He’ll be here in a few minutes!” Harry told Elliot. “You finish packing, I’m gonna go check on Connor.” 

He made his way down the hall, stepping on a pile of legos on the way. He cursed and made a mental note to have Mia or Elliot pick those up later. When he pushed Connor’s bedroom door open, he was greeted by the sounds of Mario Kart and the smell of dirty socks. Honestly, he was only eleven. His room shouldn’t smell like teenage boy already. 

The boy in question was sitting in a beanbag at the foot of his bed, his eyes fixed on the small television in front of him. His feet were resting on their twelve year old border collie, Zoey, as she lay there looking pitifully old and worn out. She was the second dog Louis and Harry got together. Their first dog, Bruce, whom they adopted shortly after moving in together, having passed away two years prior. Unfortunately, Zoey didn’t look that far off from facing the same fate these days.

“Hey,” Connor said, acknowledging Harry’s presence without stopping the game.

Harry sat down next to him and watched for a few moments before asking him to pause the game for him. Connor did so and turned to look at Harry with an expectant expression.

“Papa’s on his way home,” Harry told him. “He’ll be here any minute now.”

Connor’s face brightened. “I’m almost done with this game and then I’ll head downstairs.”

“Sounds good,” Harry stood up and ruffled Connor’s curls, earning himself an eye roll and a grunt as Connor started the game back up.

Harry was in Mia’s room, starting to pack her overnight bag, when he heard a loud squeal from downstairs. He finished folding a pair of pajamas before he headed downstairs as well, Connor running past him when he reached the halfway point. 

He heard Louis before he saw him, his soft laugh and feathery voice greeting the kids. He rounded the corner to see Louis on the floor, all four of their children dog piling him. His eyes were twinkling as he gave each of the kids hugs and kisses. He looked up at Harry after giving Mia a loud smacking kiss to the forehead and his eyes softened even more, before he bit his bottom lip and gave him a cheeky once over. Harry rolled his eyes.

After seventeen years together, fifteen of those being married, Louis still acted like Harry was something special, like he was the same hot piece of ass he’d been when he met Louis at 24. Harry didn’t see himself that way. His hairline had started receding over the past year and he lost his six pack when he sold the gym. It was kind of discouraging when Louis still looked as good as ever, his hair still thick and long with the temples graying attractively, his skin still golden and tan. Harry still had every bit the same crush on him as he did when he was a fourteen year old boy, marathoning reruns of _Little White Lies_ in his childhood bedroom late at night.

“Alright, alright,” Louis said, kicking Harry out of his self-deprecating thoughts. “Get off me, you terrors. I need to go say hi to Daddy.”

The kids jumped off of him and helped Louis up when he held his hands out. He crossed over to Harry and pulled him into a hug.

“Alright there, Curly?” he murmured when he pulled back. “Missed you.”

Harry nodded and smiled. “Missed you too.”

Louis stood up on his tiptoes to give Harry a soft peck on the lips, laughing at the noises of disgust coming from behind him. Harry looked over Louis’ shoulders to see the kids all making faces: Darcy’s nose wrinkled, Connor with a finger in his throat as if gagging, both Elliot and Mia exclaiming “ewww!” and “blegh!”.

“Oi!” Louis shouted, turning around but keeping Harry’s arms around him. “If your Daddy and I never kissed, he wouldn’t have been able to get pregnant and none of you would exist.”

Harry huffed out an exasperated laugh. 

“Papa,” Darcy fixed Louis with a bored look. “Shut up.”

“You need to learn to respect your elders, young lady,” Louis mock scolded her, complete with finger pointing. Darcy rolled her eyes. 

Louis laughed, and then he went around the room to hug everyone again. After everyone was thoroughly hugged and kissed, Harry and Louis took Louis’ suitcases to their room to unpack, the kids trailing along behind them and piling onto the bed. That California King had been a good investment. 

“So what’s the plan?” Louis asked Harry as they sorted Louis’ dirty clothes into piles. 

“The kids are spending the night with Niall tonight,” Harry said, winking when Louis raised his eyebrows and tried and failed to nod nonchalantly. “And then Liam and Zayn are gonna bring them over tomorrow around lunch time. At some point, someone needs to take Connor to get Bradley a gift and drop it off, since he’s missing his party for the premiere.”

Connor sighed in disappointment at missing his friend’s birthday, but other than that remained silent. 

“And Darcy has a football game tomorrow night.” Harry finished.

Louis took a deep breath. “Well, welcome home, eh?”

Harry laughed. “Yeah, welcome home.”

They started Louis’ laundry and finished packing the kids’ overnight bags, before Harry went down to see what was happening with dinner. Caroline had started on some kind of chicken and mushroom dish so Harry cooked some rice to go with it. Louis sat at the kitchen table with Mia, coloring with her in a book, as he chatted to Harry about his trip. Harry didn’t contribute much to the conversation, just happy to nod along and let Louis’ voice wash over him.

“Mia,” Louis said when Harry announced that dinner was ready. “Will you go tell everyone that dinner is ready and to wash their hands before coming down?”

“Yeah!” She agreed easily, happy for any chance to boss her older siblings around.

Louis smiled as she scampered off before he gathered the crayons and coloring books from the table and placed them in a neat pile on one of the counters.

Harry got some plates down and was scooping food onto them when Louis’ arms came around him from behind and a kiss was placed to the back of his neck. 

“Are you okay?” Louis asked him. “You seem a bit off.”

“I’m fine,” Harry shrugged. “Just a bit stressed out about everything we need to do before we leave.”

Louis’ fingers lifted up the hem of Harry’s shirt and he rubbed circles into Harry’s hips. 

“Everything will fall into place, baby,” Louis assured him. “Just like it always does.”

Harry turned his head and bent down to kiss him, sighing into his mouth.

“Can you guys chill for like, 5 minutes?”

They pulled apart and turned to see Darcy sitting down at the table. 

“You love each other, we get it.”

“Can you chill for like, 5 minutes?” Louis mimicked her. “You’re thirteen, we get it.”

Darcy’s retort was cut off by Connor running in and tumbling into Louis in his excitement. 

“Papa, I forgot to tell you I leveled up twice while you were gone!”

Louis held his hand up for a high five and they started talking video game strategies. 

When they finally all sat down to eat, Harry just watched on as the kids fought for Louis’ attention, each of them trying to impress him more than the next. He and Louis made eye contact and shared smiles from time to time, but they both knew this was the kids’ time. It was their chance to show their love for their father and have him show his love for them in return. Harry and Louis would have time to do that themselves later. And in a way they were already doing that, the kids the most tangible evidence of their love for one another. 

Harry always knew this kind of love was possible, but it was different to experience it, and to have lived with it for almost half of his life now.

After dinner, cleaning up the kitchen was a group effort, and then they all piled in front of the telly. Niall showed up a couple of hours later, and after hugging Louis and chatting for a few minutes, whisked the kids away for a night of what Harry was sure to be rambunctious fun. He learned long ago, after an incident with a blanket fort, some water balloons, and a football, that when Niall was involved, it was best to live ignorantly. The kids always came home safe and happy and Niall’s kids appeared to be safe and happy, so that was good enough for Harry.

They waved goodbye as Niall drove off, and Louis was on Harry the second he closed the door, his face buried in Harry’s neck and his hands squeezing his ass. 

“Missed you,” He whispered hot and wet against Harry’s neck. 

“Need you,” Harry said, lifting Louis chin with his fingers and kissing him. “Bedroom?”

Louis pulled back with a groan. “Too far.”

He led them both to the living room, pulled a blanket off of one of the couches and laid it down, before dragging Harry to the floor. They undressed quickly and then Louis pushed Harry down to suck a line of bruises along his collar bones. 

“I want- fuck me,” Harry panted. “Lou, please fuck me.”

“Always so polite,” Louis chuckled. He sat back on his knees and shook his head.

“We probably should’ve gone to the bedroom,” He said with a sigh. “But you just stay there looking pretty and I’ll be right back.”

Harry waited while Louis went to retrieve whatever it was he needed from the bedroom, although presumably it’d just be a bottle of lube. They weren’t as adventurous anymore as they once were, saving the kinky shit for special occasions.

He stroked himself lazily while he waited and when Louis walked back in, with, as Harry suspected, a simple tube of lube, he paused at the sight of Harry and just stood there admiring for a moment.

“C’mon,” Harry pouted. He just wanted his husband. Didn’t care about anything else at the moment.

“What if I made a fire?” Louis pointed to the fireplace. “Made this all romantic, like.”

Harry glared at him. “Since when have you been romantic? Almost twenty years together and you’ve never given a shit about romance.”

“Wow,” Louis made a face and put his hands on his hips. “I take offense to that. Remember that meal I cooked for you on your twenty-fifth birthday? I am romantic as fuck, thank you very much.”

“Louis-”

“AND FURTHERMORE,” Louis continued, speaking over him. “Liam once said in an interview that I’m the most romantic person he’s ever met! And Zayn has written five albums for him, so I think he knows what he’s talking about.”

“Jesus,” Harry sighed and rubbed at his temples.

“I haven’t seen my husband in weeks and I missed him and I want to be romantic!” Louis exclaimed. “So sit there nicely and let me, god damnit!”

Harry struggled to keep a straight face and nodded. Louis threw the lube at him and then turned around to leave the room again.

“Where are you going?” Harry asked him, jumping slightly when the lube hit him in the chest.

“I’m going to get fucking candles,” Louis huffed. “And a bottle of wine.”

“Oh, my God,” Harry sighed and ran a hand over his face. “Lou, I don’t need all that. I just need you.”

“Nope,” Louis waved him off. “Romance, Harold. Romance.”

“How about,” Harry was willing to compromise. “Fuck first, and then romance, and then we can fuck again?”

Louis tilted his head and considered him. “Deal.”

He skipped back over to Harry, who lay back flat on the ground, looking up at Louis expectantly. He wished he’d stop teasing. They had time for teasing later. Right now he just needed Louis’ body on his own, needed to feel him all over. 

“I will murder you,” Harry said as Louis simply stood there and smirked down at him. 

“Alright, alright,” Louis finally sat down, straddling Harry’s hips. “Don’t get your panties in a bunch.”

“Not wearing any panties,” Harry winked, rolling his hips up. “Now kiss me, you fool.”

Louis giggled and ducked down to kiss him. He ran his hands down Harry’s arms and linked fingers together, then brought Harry’s arms up over his head. They kissed and kissed and kissed, because even though they knew each other’s taste by heart, sometimes they needed to refamiliarize themselves. 

Harry could feel Louis hardening against his stomach and he rolled his hips up with a whine. Louis chuckled and kissed him quiet before licking his way down Harry’s stomach, biting his nipples and tonguing at his belly button.

“You’re so hot,” Louis said as he kissed each of Harry’s tattoos. “How are you still so hot?”

“M’not,” Harry argued, blushing at Louis’ praise.

Louis looked up at him and pouted. “Mmm, yeah you are.”

Harry shook his head. “Gettin’ chubby. Got this tummy now.”

“I like your tummy,” Louis told him, nuzzling said tummy. “And your love handles,” He squeezed Harry’s hips. 

Harry raised his eyebrows and Louis matched his fierce expression. “And I like your dick.”

Harry snorted and Louis grinned before ducking down to take Harry in his mouth. And God, he’d missed Louis’ mouth. Louis always gave the best blow jobs. Harry would never forget the first one. Even at the beginning, when Louis was so cautious about sex, about everything, he’d still given killer blow jobs. 

He pulled off of Harry’s length and replaced his mouth with his hand, sucking his balls into his mouth instead. Harry kept his arms over his head, even though Louis hadn’t asked him to, liking the feeling of desperation that was beginning to pool deep in his stomach. He struggled to keep his hips on the ground, while he knew Louis was trying his hardest to make Harry do the opposite.

He moved back up Harry’s body and bit his earlobe before dragging his teeth down his neck. 

“You getting yourself all worked up for me, baby?” Louis asked when Harry whimpered. 

Harry nodded frantically. “Want it so bad.”

“Yeah?” Louis raked his fingernails down Harry’s chest.

“Yeah,” Harry breathed. “But not yet.”

It’d been so long, and originally Harry thought he wanted this first time after so much time apart, to be hard and fast, but now that Louis was showering him with attention, Harry wanted to savor this. Wanted to push himself a bit. Luckily, Louis seemed to skip forward to the same page.

“Want me to tease you?” He asked, looking into Harry’s eyes. “Get you desperate for it?”

Harry nodded again and bit his lip. “Yeah. Yeah, Lou, yeah.”

“Turn over then,” Louis said, pushing Harry gently onto his stomach as he said so. “Don’t touch yourself or me until I’m inside of you.”

“Okay,” Harry whispered in agreement, turning over. 

He looked back over his shoulder as Louis pulled his cheeks apart and ran his tongue over Harry’s hole. Harry let out a long, low groan. This wasn’t something Louis did very often. Harry loved rimming Louis, but Louis only returned the favor every now and then.

Louis licked over him again and again, and a shiver ran throughout Harry’s entire body. It was so good and Harry always felt overwhelmed when Louis focused all of his attention on him like this. He was moaning against Harry as he licked and probed gently at his hole, for god knows how long. He only pulled back when Harry started to thrust his hips into the ground unconsciously, trying to chase some friction. 

“Hands and knees,” Louis said, giving Harry’s ass a light smack.

Harry obediently rose onto his hands and knees and looked back over his shoulder at Louis again. Louis met his gaze and smiled at him before gesturing with his head that Harry should face away. Harry hung his head and hissed when Louis finally pushed a slick finger into him. 

“I miss this when you’re away,” Harry panted as Louis thrust his finger in and out. “Not the same when I do it myself.”

“Me too, love,” Louis whispered, his voice soft and feathery. “Miss it too. Miss you.”

He’d worked his way up two three fingers before Harry started begging.

“Need you in me now,” He said, biting his lip. “Please, Lou. Ready for you.”

“You sure?” Louis teased, crooking his fingers deliciously.

“Yeah, fuck, please,” Harry whined. “I need it.”

“Alright, baby,” Louis pulled his fingers out slowly and leaned up to kiss the back of Harry’s neck, before reaching for the lube. 

Harry could hear him slicking himself up before he felt him at his entrance. He pushed in slowly and Harry felt hot all over, throwing his head back when Louis bottomed out. He held onto Harry’s hips as he began rocking into him. Harry started moving as well, meeting him thrust for thrust, relishing in the pants and grunts Louis was letting out behind him. 

Louis brought one of his hands around to wrap around Harry’s cock and squeezed.

“Fuck,” Harry said, eyes rolling to the back of his head. “M’close.”

“Wait for me,” Louis said and Harry nodded shakily. He could hold out for Louis. It would be hard, but he could do it.

His fingers clenched in the blanket they’d laid down and he held on as Louis’ thrusts turned frantic as he chased his orgasm. He wrapped an arm around Harry’s chest and pulled him up so they were both kneeling, with Harry’s back against Louis’ chest.

Louis mouthed at Harry’s neck until Harry leant back and kissed him sloppily. Louis came a few thrusts later, moaning and breathing hot into Harry’s mouth. He pumped Harry’s cock until Harry joined him, coming with a shout, and then they collapsed into a heap on the floor. 

“I’m never doing a film again,” Louis said after a bit, laying with his arms crossed on Harry’s chest, his chin resting on his arms. They’d cleaned themselves up and there was a fire burning in the fireplace, but the wine and candles were long forgotten, which Harry had known would happen all along if he just got Louis to lay down with him.

“You always say that,” Harry chuckled, tangling their legs together. 

“But I mean it this time,” Louis insisted. “I miss being away from you lot too much.”

It was something they’d discussed at length on several occasions. Louis’ work keeping him away from home. They even considered moving to Hollywood permanently, but Louis loved England too much. Their family was here, their best friends were here, and half of the films Louis did were on location anyway, so he’d still be away from home for half the time.

“You’d miss making movies too,” Harry noted reasonably, looking over Louis’ head at the fireplace mantle, where along with a few portraits of the kids, sat Louis’ Golden Globe and two Oscars.

“Nah,” Louis dismissed him and Harry rolled his eyes.

“You love making movies,” Harry continued. “You’re just saying this because you’re tired, but after a month break you’ll be itching to do something else.”

“Is there a reason you want me gone for extended periods of time, Harold?” Louis asked, raising his eyebrows cockily. “Got a mistress you bring round when I’m not home?”

“Yep,” Harry played along with a shrug. “Can’t believe you didn’t figure it out until now. I’m having a torrid affair with Zayn.”

“Well,” Louis put a hand to his heart. “Liam is going to be heartbroken.”

Harry laughed and Louis joined in, the crinkles by his eyes even more pronounced now with age. 

“I love you,” Louis puckered his lips.

Harry ducked his head to brush their lips together. “Me too.”

“Connor’s grown half a foot,” 

“I know. He’s growing out of everything. We’ll take him shopping in California.”

They talked about the kids at length, about the attitude Darcy was developing and the trouble Connor was having with kids at school, about Mia’s new obsession with the ocean and how Elliot’s teacher wanted his IQ tested. 

They talked until they’d exhausted every topic, and then they started to touch each other again, taking things slower this time, bathing in the familiarity of one another.

When they finally retreated to their bedroom, they were in a pleasant sleepy haze. They settled into bed, with both Zoey and Willie taking residence at their feet. Harry fell asleep within minutes, and slept completely through the night for the first time in weeks, waking up the next morning with his husband draped over him, snoring softly in his ear. 

He retreated to the bathroom quietly to relieve himself before joining Louis back in bed. 

Louis turned to him and smiled sleepily, his eyes bleary and his cheek displaying tracks from the sheets. 

“Morning,” Harry said and Louis yawned in his face. 

“How much time we got before Zayn and Li bring the kids back?” He asked, reaching up to run a hand through Harry’s hair.

Harry glanced at the alarm clock sitting on the bedside table over Louis’ shoulder. It was already 9:00 a.m.

“Probably an hour or two.”

Louis yawned again. “Can we just stay here until they’re back? Pretend like we don’t have a thousand things to do?”

Harry chuckled. “Yeah, if you want.”

“I want,” Louis said, throwing a leg over Harry and cuddling in closer. “What’ve we got to do anyway?”

Harry went over everyone’s schedules again, running his fingers over Louis’ side as Louis continued to play with his hair. Louis listened attentively and made suggestions and amendments to Harry’s game plan, reminding Harry of how much easier things were when Louis was home. They worked the best together. 

“It’s going to be a busy week for the Tomlinsons, innit?” Louis asked after they had everything sorted, giving Harry a wink.

Harry smiled and nodded. “Sounds about right.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic is a couple of months old and i still get questions about this so i'm just going to address it here: in reference to niall/barbara/carly, you didn't miss a niall/barbara break up! i didn't write one. they were still together during the last chapter of the fic. one of my betas is named carly and she insisted that i write her in as niall's wife in the epilogue. since there's a 15+ year gap between the last chapter and the epilogue i figured it wasn't too far fetched that niall and barbara would have broken up and he would have married someone else. i like to think he and barbara made the mutual decision to break up when she went to physical therapy school. hope that clears up any questions!
> 
> thanks again for reading! xx
> 
> come chat with me on [tumblr](http://www.littlelouishiccups.tumblr.com) and tell me your feels


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